walter/Erica

Derek You have reminded me of a similar experience that i was angry at my boss( within reason I still want to think 1) Anyway it was a bit out of charachter, the way I responded..I applied to attend a conference in San Diego, and She felt that the cost was too much. I then responded with a long e mail commenting on the reasons why I felt that I should have gone. I requested that She not respond to my note, she didnt, and thank God, I dont perceive any ill feelings..she probably knows where I am at.. she has been a help . Get a bit irritated/annoyed with my parents who live with me. They are wonderfully supportive, andf I love them dearly, however at times I feel overprotected and closed in. My prayer is that God will spare them for more years as I know that I am neglecting them because of my grief..and feel guilty, although I know they understand

sorry Derek I saw the note, makes me feel bad...nothing really for me to get mad about, its only a car, you are dealing with a person. I pray God will undertake for Carson and you in a wonderful way as only He can. God is all we have..isnt it, He is the only one who can help us out of this mess ex

Derek When was the last time you felt really angry? Did you get my response to your note about Carson? Ex

I woke up at around 1 am this morning with the alarm of my daughters car blaring, only to discover later, when she tried to leave for varsity,that potential thieves had attempted to steal her car... I felt so angry..where was Walter..he used to proect and take care of all this stuff, I felt angry and abandoned, dissapointed in God..Did my heavenly Father not know what i need..His protection at night, do I still have to ask for this.. Is He not going to fill the gaps that Walter left, or even just give me a bit of a break before more "unfortunate" things happen. I know that this is just how i am feeling now ..but it was so intense. I just pray that God will strenghten me and give me the courage to persevere on this journey that i never asked to be on, but grudgingly accept. Oh for Gods healing and peace....

Hello all Feeling sad , lonely and missing Walter so much. A bit of the old feelings are back, not as intenseas before, but back : How will I cope, nothing more to look forward to, the future stretches ahead with so many years , Cant something catastrophic happen ( that doesnt affect me and my children) just to distract us from our grief ....is this normal) Triggered off I think by Our first family wedding. Walters nephew got married on Saturday. He would have been the master of ceremonies, made all the speeches etc. I just cannot imagine that he is truly gone.... Oh God please strengthen me, I pray in Jesus name.....

Thanx Kayc and Derek, I will keep my antennae up and give her more time. I need to realise that jody ( my son) and jill my daughter are different...Will trust God to take crae of them Just like he is caring for me Love Erica x

Jody 25 years old, is much more communicative than Jill ( 19) I am not quite sure if I am handling her correctly. I have probed honestly and directly, but she has informed me that she does not want to speak about her feelings / her dad. She will come to me if she needs to, so she says. She does feel sad at night but prefers being on her own. She actually seems to be fine.. doing much better at varsity this simester, is socializing, has a boyfriend, and actually seems to have alot of her late fathers attitude " just get on with it" In my gut I feel that i need to respect her. Jody my son says it will probably hit her intensely later on.. for example at at her wedding ... I have noticed that she is alert to my feelings....She will know if I cried silently. Also she is a bit fretful when I do business travel, and when I sometimes venture out on my own.....Where have you been, mommy..she gets upset when people pass comments about me remarrying. Tells them no! that will never happen...I also heard her tell her boyfriend that she will always stay with me in my home to look after me Please advise....

I read / herad somewhere that the moment you are able to recall "negative or unpleasant memories" of your decesaed spouse/loved one, that also could indicate healing. What are your thoughts on this and what has been your own experience As far as my memories go, I no longer only have the picture in my mind of Walter so ill and suffering. I can now picture a few pleasant times without sadness, and wonder of all wonders, my son and i had a lovely chat on Monday, where we were both able to share some memories of Walters imperfections , and we actually had a giggle! I just see God's hand of healing and I am grateful. I know its still a long journey, but at least I can see the light. i dont feel the desperation of months ago, the fear of never getting or feeling better. Praise God! Also the triggers are not having the devastating effect they had on me a few months ago. For example I took a walk on sunday and saw a few grandparents with their grandchildren. It made me sad, but I didnt crumble!

Hello all There are a few things that I have stopped doing since Walters death: no makeup; no music at all in my house; not able to raise / clap my hands in worship at Church;no activities at Church-walter and i were cell / small group leaders befor he died I still feel no inclination to do any of the above....

Derek did you receive a 2nd response from me mid morning?

Derek, it seems that our times are quite similar. It will be 9 months in DECEMBER, for me, so it sounds like i can expect things to become a bit easier...How is that possible, being CHRISTMAS AND new year. Please explain to me what the positives were at 9 months. I am aware that I must not dwell on the fture, and I dont want to..please let me know.. Other friends too, what were the "improvements/ growth at 9 months i took a walk on the pavillion this afternoon and i did not feel as upset as i thought i would, when i saw grandparents with grandchildren..realised that would never be for Walter and i...we were looking so forward to spoiling grandchildren..missed him alot this weekend, and did feel some pain. i just thank God for His amazing presence with me. it is Him heling me...

Hello dear friends. was feeling better than I ever felt in thelast 6 months that I lost my husband , however on friday out of nowhere, I just started to feel really sad and depressed. I couldnt find any reason or trigger. Feeling a bit better today, and really trusting God to help me. However, what I really want to say is that my energy and concentration at work is really bad. i cannot get into work. I stare into space, and just battle to start a task, let alone complete a task. I seem to lack motivation and a sense of urgency. I procrastinate and am really feeling unproductive at work and feeling quite guilty about not performing as I should, when will this end? I need to get really stuck into work. Any suggestions? What can I do?

I have had my husbands ashes in a wooden container on my dining room table for the past 6 months. I have no inclination to get rid of it, in fact I feel like I would like to hold onto it till I die and then leave both our remains with my two children to dispose of as they plesae. They dont have a problem ..Is it okay to hold onto the ashes? Erica

Derek, what you are saying si so true, new realtionships too early on in our grief journeys is like trying to get rid of emotional pain with alcohol or other substances.....I have often said to the Lord, that with His help I want to do my grief work properly and hard now, so that when its over, it will REALLy be over, so I cant see myself with anybpody else ever tough, try as I amy. i pray for strength to continue this journey and not to look for quick fixes/ premature ways out.I then know that when I am feeling better and whole and healed, it will be the real thing. Stay strong . God will help , pull you thru nad blees you love, Erica

Kayc I never knew your story and my haert just goes out to you. what a wonderful Christian you are, I dont think I would have managed like you have. My prayer is that God will just take care of you and bless and provide for your every need. My own situation has some common thread.last 5 were wondeful.. I was married for 25 years .. My husband had alot of baggage and in the ealy years of our marriahge was quite verbally and emotionally abusive, however God did a miracle in his life over the laST 10 years and I can honestly say that the last 5 years were WONDERFUL, he was the husband what I dreamed about take care Erica xx

Hi guys, may I as a female join this discussion...please tell me what it was/is like in your new relationships. How does the new compare to the old... same butterflies in tummy, excitemnet as before... are there real differences...are they subtle or in your face. The same thrill when you hold hands or kiss? God Bless and take care of yourselves Erica

Hello dear friends. Its around 6 months and a week since my darling Walter has passed on. I have really had a good few days(8) where I have really felt better than I have in months..I thank my God for this and am reminded of the verse in the Bible which says that God will NEVER give us more than we can handle. For a long time I felt so overwhelmed and quite sure of the fact that i would never ener feel better...well now I am. Is this okay. When did you all feel the "better" that i am describing........

I dont think that I have ever dreamt about Walter in the 6 months that he has been gone. Some have said its because I havent released him. Others have said I can expect him to come and tell me in a dream that he is safe and happy. I cant recall dreaming..What do you think?

Today I thank God that I am feeling peace and accepting of Walters death.the pain is almost non existant...there is a sweet longing in my heart for him.......what a rollercoaster ride, this grief journey is! It was only 5 days ago that i reached rock bottom, and never thought I would feel better I have been reading about a link between letting Walter go/ releasing him and realising that he will not be forgotten or loved less if I release him. What are your feelings/ thoughts on this? I feel that I have accepted his death , and even prayed several prayers of release, and I know and believe that I will always love him, why then is my grief still so shattering at times? its almost like the writer was saying If I release him, my grief will be shortened/ resolved?

God really used This article to help me today. I pray that it will help each one of you too, dear friends "All grief must not be thought of as dreary and destructive. The world would be worse without it. If no man's life were significant enough to cause weeping, if birth and death were unmarked, if the measure of our years on earth were nothing, we might better be houseflies rather than human beings, made in God's image. Profound grief is preceded by deep love which gives life meaning. In the deepest sense our days would be empty and futile if we never grieved, or never dying, left empotional chaos behind us. The idea that grieving indicates that we have enjoyed a relationship of deep love and respect is very comforting to me. And it causes me to want to live my life in such a way that I leave behind as much "emotional chaos" as psossible wherever I go. I love you Walter, then, now and always Erica xxxx

Hello all I have not had any of these experiences you speak of... I have heard someone say that the Bible prohibits any contact with the dead. Be very interested to hear from Kayc and Derek your thoughts on this. I do however wish that i could have contact with Walter, even if its indirect like feeling him around.. You all describe such beautiful stories Take care. My prayers are with each one of you .....

Kayc, You are right, there is some anger which is worse at times. I was driving home this afternoon from work and actually shared with the Lord how Walter and i together carried the burden of his illness. I said I am now alone, no Walter to help me with my grief and really asked the Lord, pleaded with Him to intervene in a miraculous way. i just feel so empty and pained. I cant imagine, that around 10 days ago, I thought I was getting better.... It was 6 months since my darlings passing on Saturday..... it is encouraging to hear that I wont always feel this forsaken ...I am hanging onto that hope and really trusting God to PULL me through this terrible nightmare. To day I cried out to God and said that I felt I couldnt take another step....

Wendy what you describe is excatly what I feel. I too am 48, lost my loving husband in March 2007 and am really upset by the fact that he is blissfully unaware of how I am feeling about losing him. This really hurts more than I care to admit, Its like I have been wiped off his memory, like We never existed. He is supremely happy in Heaven, I kNOW he is there as we are both believing Christians, but what good does that do me right now in the middle of my mourning. with repsect, I feel that this has been such a punitive blow to me. I pray that God will help me to work thru this one and give meHis peace..Any suggestions from my dear friends on this site would be warmly welcomed, help

Derek How many months after your loss did you first feel what I have described? Also Its good to hear about the ups and downs , cause that is exctly what happened yesterday. After I hade wrtitten thsi joyful note, the sadness hit me again like a bolt out of the blue. All I could do was just pray and ask the Lord not allow me to go as deep down into despair as I had been ealier on.I read the Bible last night and This morning Praise God I am feeling okay. I bless God for this .

Hello dear friends i have been reading the mails of fellow widows(ers)and my heart has ben breaking, becuase on my journey I have felt very similarly. The feelings were so intense, I thought I would never stop feeling them, but here's my miracle, over the past 5 days I have felt better than I have ever felt since that fateful day on March 8th when I lost my dear husband. For me as a Christian the way I am now feeling is nothing short of a miracle by an all powerful all knowing God. I am reminded of that verse in the Bible which says that God will never give us more than what we can handle without providing a way out if we need it. Just when I thought that the the darkness of my grief would engulf me, morning and light were there. Can any of you identify with this feeling? And to my dear friends who are still hurting, please hang in thee. It will and it MUST get better. My prayer is that God will hasten your morning as well, each and everyone of you love, comfort and blessings Erica