walter/Erica

Gail, thank you. I am just so tired. Can I go on? My body is so sore . every muscle aches. has been for weeks. Do you think its part of teh grief..should I see my Doctor. My 9 months will be in December...all those holidyas. Lord plesae have mercy on all of us

Hello all..a very interesting topic. Right now it feel like I havent let Walter go, but not sure how it would feel if I did let him go. Even though I am 47 I rather can identify with the elderly widows, cause I have not let him go and find myself regularly counting the days /time till I join him. I am not suicidal, its just I long to be where he is . I am not convinced that I can have a relationship with Walter when he is not here.....And just the finality of that finishes me Shell i wish i could speak sternly to myself like you did...will it work if i just say Erica snap out of this.... Maybe I shoul distract myself with an overseas holiday or something huge like that... Love Erica

Karen God is with you in every storm, the natural storms as well as in our stormy lives. God bless, love, Erica

Hi Terry and welcome. Mine passed away 7 months ago , we were 47 and 48 yrs old. My children are 25 and 19. We also had so many dreams....we wanted to retire early, live away from the city, enjoy our grandchildren and even go into Christian Ministry. This life is hard and I am nowhere near getting used to it. Its probably the worst experience I have ever had in my life. It fills me with pain to know that I am the only parent my children have now...I will pray for strength for you nad the children..we WILL get through this with Gods help!

Gail, its 7 and a half months for me and I am feeling alot like you do. I found myself once again asking Gode the whys tonight..... Just now while taking an evening walk Why us at 47 years old, why wasnt he allowed to share any of my childrens weddings or see any of our grandchildren, why after we went through so much with the cancer was my husband still taken away? Why ...I know that when I ask why its usually my anger surfacing again,and its a horrible space to be in. All of this was triggered off by a baptism of a baby this morning, which he didnt attend with me, and a family birthday party this afternoon. the worst was beside not attendingany of these gatherings with me, He wasnt even at home when I got home.....It doesnt seem fair and I am so sad

Hello dear fiends, I havent posted in a while but have been reading all your posts. Some of us appear to be a bit better.. am I correct? It was around a week or so where we all feeling very depressed, there were quite a few of us around the7 month mark. Its so good to start becoming aware of the fact that God does provide respite for us just when we think we cannot take another step. I really trhank God for His healing touch on each of us, I pray for you all often. My prayer today is that you will have a good weekend, that God will send many blessings upon you and your families especially today, Saturday and Sunday( These are often the hardest days)

Have a wonderful weekend. God go with you all Erica x

Derek I just think its wonderful about your new job opportunity. My only concern was Carson, but you have assured us taht he will not be neglected in any way. For me this is a sure sign of your healing...being able to take on a new challenge at work, and I love the way you are parying about each new plan. the Bible says" commit all your plans to God, and they will succeed. " I claim this verse for you. Its 7 months for me since my loss, and my prayer is that God will energise me at work, motivate me to be effective and productive. I also have prayed that God find another new job for me, but only in HIS time, cause His timing is perfect Take Care Erica

Suicide.....My heart breaks when I read these stories. I am in no position to judge anyone wrt suicide, I love each one of you . I do however know that Jesus was NOT judgemnental at all when on earth. The Bible says that Gods thoughts and ways are not our thoughts and ways, In fact His thoughts are way above our thoughts, so I trust Him completely on this issue. In my circumstances it never came up at all, not by Walter or by me. I guess we just trusted God to see us through, provide us with strength and since we believe that His timing is perfect, we knew Walter would pass on at the right time, Gods appointed time. And it was hard ,believe me because we both suffered. My last prayer a few days before he died was Dear Lord, If you are not going to heal Walter, please take him quickly out of this suffering, even though I want him to be healed....Your will be done, For me, I have never contemplated suicide but in the darkest moments of my grief,even a few days ago, I find myself desperately wanting to go to heaven, to be with God and Wwalter and out of this painful state..but thsn I find myself thinking that it is NOT my time, and i still have to parent my chidren.... Love Erica

Yes, I agree the weekends are the hard, although when I am on the down slope of the rollercoaster ride, every day is really hard. I have been on a really downer for 10 days, I started picking up a bit on Friday. My Fridays, I never go home before 8pm. Striaght from work I wander around like a lunatic in the malls, then go home watch the 9 pm movie, take medication and sleep. Saturdays, sleep in, do some chores and out in the afternoon, preferably by myself, and on Sundays Church twice a day, sleep in the afternoon, and yes,thats it! We are starting with the Summer saeson In South Africa, and my heart just breaks when I look at the beautiful evenings and realize that this year, wWalter and I will not share the beautiful summer days and evenings. summer with teh Christmas holidays were alawys teh best time of teh year for us. I notice most of us are on the 7 month mark and are taking a great deal of strain. Let me encourage you that God will give you a break, where you will feel better for a time, no matter how brief ,till the next cycle of grief. He knows how frail we humans are, how much we can take , and the Bible says that He will NEVER give us more than what we individually can handle, so be encouraged, and know that I pray this for each one of you who are hurting, in Jesus name.

Mike. I too feel so for you. Believe me I know .....My husband died in March this year after 25 years of marriage, also as a result of small and large bowel cancer. I also felt that his death was premature. Our children are grown up, and we were starting to date like teenagers again, and then he was gone. And yes I can identify with the feeling that others want you to move on rather quickly...but for me its like I am stuck, and cannot move anywhere. Just hang in there . I have found it helpful to seek God ,theres no one else who can really help, and it si my prayer taht as I seek healing from God for myself, I pray teh same for you too! take care Erica x

What is the best way to handle anxiety aboout a "perceived"problem regarding my 25 year old son. I am just feeling uncomfortable and suspicious about something. Not sure if this is me / my anxiety or if its really a problem with him. Should i speak with him or not? If I ignore , what if there is a real problem..do I have the energy to deal with or not? Can I safely ignore because of how i am currently feeling. Its at times like these that I really miss Walter.. I dont have the strength to handle this on my own, and dont want to share with any friends / family

I feel so physically tired and drained today. Really battling to get through the afternoon. The last time I felt like this, my therapist said it was related to the depression phase of the grief cycle that I have been thru a few times. Its quite debiliating esp at work. Dont have energy to focus on any task , let alone complete tasks. I am just praying for strength to complete the day. I am feeling ambivalent about a date that I have with a girlfriend for coffee after work, but I have been pushing her away, so I need to see her today. Then straight home and into bed! so aware that many of you are also in pain , and at the 7-8 month mark. I pray that God will have mercy on each one, help us on teh way and be a Father to each one of us Take Care Erica x

A very scary part of this journey is that when I feel the intense grief, it seems God is so far away, I feel so abandoned and desterted by Him..it is then that I tend to get angry, and question His sovereignity. but my hope and desire like, you guys are that My faith and trsut in God will be strengthened from day to day. That God will help me to accept His will even in the death of my precious husband and that i too can help someone to the Lord.

Precious friends, thank you all for your hugs,warm and kind thoughts, empathy. It is so good knowing others have been where I have been, felt what I have felt.... I have come to realize that the numbness I feel today is a way of God relieving my pain...and if I remember correctly, things will spiral up from this point till the next wave of grief hits...more respite from this pain . The one blessing when I think about last year this time, is that we dont have to go through the terrible experience again, and that Walter is now free from all pain, physical discomfort, sorrow and sadness, where he now lives ...

Yes Walter,i hope that you know how much I love you and miss you, how difficult life and living is, but i am persevering beacuse of our two children, and I think its what you would have wanted me to do. I hope you know how hard it isfor me. I miss your company, shoulder to lean on, your laugh and smiling face, your humour, your touch, the protection and security you provided for me today i am feeling sort of numbish, dont know if thats good or bad..at least its a break from feeling as bad as I did last week.What I am finding now is that I am reminiscing about the start of his illness round about October, the terrible time of anxiety and depression taht we went thru from Oct up till his death in March....I just feel so much pian when I think about what we went through as a family and especially for him...knowing taht he wsa going to die and leave us....It hurts me so much. I wish he could hold me in his arms. oh God have mercy on us all....

Stallyn, I had a similar thought about an older aunt who also had colon cancer and is now cured whilst wALTER, AND ANOTHER FRIEND DIED IN THEIR FORTIES AND FIFTIES RESPECTIVELY. But in spite of my intense feelings, I choose to believe that God is sovereign, and for now I cannot see the bigger picture, but I will have to trust, I pray for strtength and courage for each of one us, and that God will give us a braekthrough, so that we are not entirely destroyed by this past bad week(s). I know that we wont always feel like this, heres to a better week, God go with each one of us

hello Friends, i have had a bad week. Went walking around a mall today and so desperately felt the need to hear someone say to me that I needed to push on, that there is something to live for, that I must not give up....Just feeling so empty and alone, so directionless, so anxious about a future without Walter.It will be 7 months on Monday.

Thanx for the reminder to feel the feelings and in this way be encouraged to heal further. Well I have beeen in pain all week, since the incident with my daughters car. MY heart is sore and painful, longing , I am aching and missing Walter so much,. i can feel the anxiety and the pain even as I am writing... This week I have been getting into bed early with my pain, taking medication and sleeping till the next morning. what a break my drug induced sleep has been from the heartache. Its weekend and I am praying taht God will allow me to experience this weekend differently...a new place to go, people to mingle with..but I dont have the energy to arrange any of this myself I pray for Gods strength to getr me thru and for His peace

Yes Corrinne, those are tender ages. it must be hard for them. they probably cannot identifyor even name their feelings..it is probably so overwhelming for them. But God is the great Healer. Jesus is able to reach into their little hearts and heal them. i believe that, I pray it now in Jesus nmae, and i ask that God will reassure you, by showing you in their behaviors that He is working in their young lives. I place thier young lives int His capable hands Love, Erica

YES, YES, Kayc Go Home..thats what I often think, but I have my 2 children that I need to still take care of , and whom I cannot put through another death of a parent. However I have often said to the Lord that If I could safely take Jody and Jill with me, Id want to go home RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not entirely confident of Jill and Jodys salvation, I pray for that each day, and believe that God will answer prayer ..sometomes I wish the rapture would happen. I am now earnestly praying that part of the Lords prayer which says "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven" Also " even so Lord Jesus come quickly" Yes its a tough call. I am only 47 yrs old now and cannot imagine the future... Love, Erica

Thanx Kayc for your good counsel, i listen to you and I then have hope that i too will get though. This is my constant prayer to God for each one of us who have lost our spouses Corinne, How old are the girls? Yes my children are also grieving. Jody my son is 25 and we speak deeply about our loss when we are led to. He misses his Dad, but also is very protective over me.He told me once " Mom you and Dad were soul mates, I only pray that i will have a marriage like the two of you did" Jill my 19 year old daughter on the other hand does not want to speak about her dad and i respect that. I believe firmly though that when she needs me , she will come to me. I was very worried about her first semester results ( she only started at university this year, and her Dad died in March) however I praise and thank God that she is so industrious now. working on her computer even as we speak. But Corrinne I pray for them all the time, and as I pray for mine, I will now pray for your girls too.. anything in particular you want me to pray for? Take Care Have agood night, eric axxx

AnniO I am so sorry to hear about you losing your parents in such a short space of time. Tori my heart goes out to you. Your grief is so complicated . I wish there was something I could do....I sense that we are all going thru a really bad time in our grief...

Lyn and Corinne, What can I say. Corinne I cannot imagine what it must be like to grieve and take care of two little girls...I pray for an added portion of strength for you. I have jody 25 years and Jill 19 years. i am feeling terrible and in bed right now. Its 17:45 in South Africa..... i just feel so pained, have no energy, told my therapist I wish I could have sleep therapy till after the new year.....Like you I just feel so down, drained I pray that we will get thru, May God help us

Dear Friends took a real dive today. Like Wendy and william, i too am approaching the 7th month mark. Today I cried and actually went to lie down in the clinic for about 45 mns. I just felt so incredibly sad, lonely and depressed. Missed my husband so much. I have made an appt with my therapist for this afternoon. Wendy I am so sorry that you have to go through this with your mom. I pray that God will be with you both in a special way and touch your mom and give you strength. May God have mercy on each one of us Love Erica x