Lily

Dear Deborah, you don't ever have to apologize - this absolute sorrow and sadness that we have screams for help and it seems as though there's no real helping to soften the pain it brings - Rich died 6 months ago and time isn't helping me - it seems to be worsening because now this is life - if you can call it that - without him. Rich and I fought his cancer for three years and never gave up hope - then when the "gold standard" meds didn't seem to be working, we traveled 2500 mi to California for a clinical trial which I persued because the meds had been approved in the phillipines and seemed to be working - I never gave up and Rich didn't either - but while in Cal., the meds or something just didn't seem to be helping and he, after suffering many indiginities, said he wanted to die. I lost my belief in god then - how could he make his child suffer - I wouldn't - how could God... but now I'm desperate for a god because that was my only hope and now I have nowhere to go - nothing here on earth is helping - but so far nothing is... I feel like you - just an empty shell, my home is just a house, when I shop for basics I just see families getting ready for summer, or just walking and talking about something or nothing and I'm jealous; I'm just not "normal" me anymore; I cry a lot; I still can't believe Rich is not going to be coming around the corner or up the stairs or call out to me...if someone told me I was going to die tonight, I would feel relieved, an easing off of the hurt that won't go away. So please don't apologize - don't put the burden on yourself that you're somehow hurting others because of how you feel - you have enough hurt to deal with - somehow I think we'll go on but for right now I just can't see how...this place with all the kind friends is a lifesaver for me, I can't talk about how I feel with anyone else without making them uncomfortable and I think sometimes (most times) that's what we need and that's why we come back here - it helps at least for a little while - I know I keep waiting for a miracle and I know I'm not going to get it - they say god has his reasons - but right now I can't see them or everything happens for a purpose - I can't see that either right now - Deborah, believe me when I say that I feel your pain...Lily

Hi Wendy, I have pictures of Rich everywhere - and sometimes I can't bear to look at them because he's so real in them and I feel as though he's going to be coming through that door so I just cry and cry - but sometimes I get strength...when I feel so let down by others, I remember how he would always be there for me and I can almost feel his arm around me now and hear what he would be saying to me - and I feel him still...but the sadness and the lonliness are always with me...I don't know, Wendy, is this the price we pay for that rare love and all that it brings with it? I could never imagine life without Rich and here I am...and it's not good. Lily

Kim, When I read your post I felt as though every word and feeling you had expressed exactly what I feel....like you, I put on a fake smile because if I don't, people don't know how to react to the grieving that is going on in my heart...with me anytime can bring a painful sobbing - whether I'm riding around in the car or walking with my dog or waking in the morning or listening to something on tv or just anything...I miss my husband so much and I'm tired of saying that to people who just hear the words and can't feel the pain and the loss that's so horrible....I, too, tried a counselor and I liked her well enough, but in some ways it seemed like things were worse because, once again, nothing is going to bring Rich back. I feel no joy, no life, nothing. I wish I could help you, I wish someone could help me. But, Kim, I do know the terrible torment you're going through; I know that what we're doing is just going through the motions of living; I know that sometimes I just want to scream and scream and scream and sometimes I do - and I know that sometimes for the moment that helps - even if for only a little while - and maybe it's these "little whiles" that will get us through - I keep trying and do keep busy - and somehow I get through the day - but I feel dead on the inside and I don't know what to do about that...I wish someone had a remedy for that. If I couldnn't come to this site, I really don't know what I would do because at least here I know that we all feel a sorrow that can't be expressed in words and we don't have to put on a fake smile here, do we. you take care, kim. Lily

Dear Kathy, you must be hurting so much...and there's nothing to take to make the pain go away. I lost my husband in October...he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2004 and for three years we fought the cancer going for long distance treatments everyweek...he was so strong and showed so much courage...and I never thought I would ever be without him. I cant find words to express how much I miss him. But Fred is right, coming here seems to help some. Everyone here is hurting and the kind words are like a substitute for those hugs we don't get. Sometimes I don't think I'll get through the next few minutes and really don't want to but I keep going; I don't know how, but I do...and you will too. I wish I could say that after a time, the pain goes away, but I can't. That pain is so real, isn't it and it's frightening, because there's nowhere to go with it. But I'm trying to take one day at a time and sometimes the pain eases a little; I think it has to for us to live, to survive. If you have to cry, and scream and cry somemore, you should do it...it helps me I know. No matter what the hour, if I think I'm going crazy with the loneliness, the missing, the hopelessness, I get on here and write, knowing that someone will answer my plea for listening. Kathy, you try that too....it will help. Lily

Yesterday I was walking and one of my husbands home health nurse who came to our home every week for about 2 years called out to me. This was the first time I saw her since my husband died and when she asked me how I was holding up I just fell into her arms and sobbed and said not well. Well I just cried and cried and cried and told her how much I missed Rich and the terrible pain and, you know, she stood and listened - I mean really listened - she acknowledge my pain - she didn't offer advice on what to do - just said it was really going to be hard. I felt such comfort in that...I think that her just listening meant so much; I didn't feel uncomfortable because I didn't feel that I was making her uncomfortable... I wanted to share this with you because I believe that if people only allowed us to cry; if they acknowleded our pain, our hurting, then - in some small way that would be healing. Now, though, I, and from others here, I know we tend to repress our feelings - except here - and that's what's so comforting - no judgement, no advice, no crticism, and and confirmation and acknowlegment of the terrible sadness and loneliness and desperation. I think that when I talk to others who have not experienced the loss, I feel worse and no comfort because when I tell them how I feel, they start giving advice - time heals, get on with activities to take your mind off, etc so then I understand that they can't really understand my words, I can't convey the pain to them. I feel so alone. I don't really have any "close" friends and I have no family here. I have resorted to listening to Sundays religious programs even though I don't belong to an established religion. I need something though to help me through the days. People don't seem to help, in general. I know that the counselor who let me cry and affirmed the hurt and the missing; and the nurse who did the same; and the friends on this site all seem to help. But, mostly, it seems that others want to do not what's best for me now, but what makes them feel better. This is another lonely Sunday for me. Lily

Joe, I know you must be living with so much sorrow now. My husband died in October of cancer and I still can't accept he's gone from me. And yes, I think youre right, after so many weeks, you get the definite impression that people don't want to hear more sadness or grief or mourning talk. So, I've started to do what Dusky said he did - just have to scratch their names off the address book. All my emotions now are superficial - I smile when I think I should because if I don't I feel that I'm creating an uncomfortableness...So I go for walks with my dog and I cry where no one can see me and no one has to feel uncomfortable. I wish there were magic potions or miracles for us because this pain is almost unbearable. But how can you have lived with someone for many many years and not have their not being with us now hurt almost beyond enduring. Maybe someday the memories will bring a smile and lightness to the heart, but I know right now all those moments we shared make me cry and cry and cry. This group is really a lifesaver....I sometimes get so down that I can't come here - it all seems so useless and then I need the kindness, the comfort so much that I come here I guess to be soothed and it helps. Maybe one day at a time with people who don't tire of listening to us and sharing is helping even though we can't feel it yet. Lily

Dusky, thank you...I just know you must be in so much pain...it's ironic that your words tell me that and yet sometimes even the power of words isn't enough to convey the magnitude of the hurt...I wonder how our hearts and souls would be portrayed on film if they could capture the desperation, the torment, the overwhelming sadness. I hope you keep writing and take care. Lily

Caroline, my husband died in October. We were married for 45 years and I remember when I was younger thinking that it was only "really" old people who celebrated their 50th anniversay....yet until my husband died, I never felt "really" old or even just plain old "old"...I think it was trying to sneak up on me when I realized the "invisible" that you've mentioned - but see then I had Rich and I felt young - always felt as though I was still in my 30's....now though, I feel old and invisible...and, like you, I'm lonely, but prefer to be alone....I think that's because even when I'm with others, or talk on the phone with others, I'm stll alone...and sometime, if it's even possible, when I'm with others or talking with them, I feel the pain of my loss even more and feel even more alone...it's a love that I received from him that fulfilled me I guess...but sharing these thoughts with someone else who is hurting makes the loneliness go away for a while. Lily

Hi Lin, I wish I could give you words that will make you feel better, but I honestly don't think there are any. When you suffer the loss of someone you loved deeply and that someone loved you deeply, how do words help? Except that for me it sometimes helps to know that the feelings and hurts and pains and torments and the sometimes living hell where you believe that the pain can't be worse and that it will last forever with no hope of ending are also being endured by others...so when those who have not gone through what we are going through think and say you have to get on with your life, and you have to get involved with activities I want to scream - none of that makes the pain go away or the missing him...I happen to come across a picture of Rich when I was cleaning the other day and he was so alive that I couldn't believe he was dead - it was almost as if I was in another reality....You're right about the numbness - I know exactly what you mean....all the little petty things that make up life seem without meaning...all the bigger things seem without meaning....and the worse part of life now is that family and friends have their own lives and wellmeaning though they may be, they don't realize you can't really wholeheartedly participate. I, like you, miss being able to just enjoy him - his calling me to watch something on tv, talking about so and so doing this or that - I can't really explain it, but I think you know what I mean - at the end of the day, there were no kids or cousins, or parents, or friends - there was just him and me. Truthfully, I don't care if I die tomorrow...I just don't think I can take the existing and not living. I am so sorry If this made you feel worse in any way, I an hoping that your knowing that your pain is something that we all understand might help just a little...for a atleast a little while. This group is what keeps me going when I feel all loss of hope or help...so maybe it's one tiny faltering step at a time, one blessed helping hand. Lily

It's early am and my only hope for some comfort is here with all of you who know the pain. It seems that I'm better off when I'm alone because then I can cry and not feel that I'm making someone feel uncomfortable...when I'm with someone I have to listen and participate, but it's just a sham. None of me is really caring about the small talk, or who gets elected or the economy...it all just seems so what? to me...what does it matter. I haven't had anything that has brought me even a second of joy since my husband died. But people don't seem to realize that crying and talking about your loved one really helps you...they want to change the subject or tell you you have to try to do things to keep your mind busy and I find myself losing patience with them...I do do things....I keep up the house (it doesnt feel like a home anymore) I pay the bills, I shop for food, I go out to eat, I go to the dentist, But I don't feel like getting involved in activities that were never of interest to me before...why do they think they will be now. I finally went to a counselor. Didn't want to go because what could a counselor do... no one can bring my husband back. But I did go and how it helped was that it allowed me a place to cry without feeling that it was making someone else uncomfortable...I don't know how often I'll go but I asked if I could call for anapppointment if I just needed someone to talk to. Caroline, I understand how you feel. Rich and I were married for almost 45 years...we grew up together didn't we and shared all of lifes good times, bad times and times of sorrow. I just told someone the other day that I never felt old...we went biking and hiking and kayaking and we walked in the evenings holding hands and joking....just simple times but so heartfelt. I look in the mirror now and I see old lady...and you're right about invisible...I understand. Lily

Kim, I know today (wed., your and Dan's anniversary) is making you hurt badly. I wish somehow that hurt could be washed away. I was just lying awake and thinking of the silly, little, insignificant, stupid thoughts, or jokes, whatever you want to call them, that made us laugh...you know, one of those "you would've had to been there"? and I miss those times with him so much. I know you must have had those times, many times, with Dan. I don't believe that it's only the great moments in life that make us soulmates, but the hundreds of seemingly insignificant moments as well. Take care Kim. Lily

Dear Teny, My heart goes out to you. Like you, I don't post my feeling for a while ...I think because I just "give up"....but then the loneliness, the sadness, the desperation of hopelessness becomes so intense that I think I'll go crazy and then I look for help and comfort again and I come online and feel some peace...because here, at least, everyone is suffering and knows... really knows the pain and torment...I haven't felt a moment of joy since Richard died...I can't imagine feeling lighthearted...I'm not interested in whose running for office or the environment or art or anything because none of it seems important to me. It's as though life is a blink (something we always heard before but now I really understand it) - everything happened so fast...and all the things that made up life and make up life just seem irrelevant to me now. Unless someone has lost what we;ve lost, then they can't feel what we do. I know that in the past I would sympathize but now I know that I didn't FEEL the pain of that person. I know that now because I talk and walk ok people think I'm ok and I'm not. You're not either and I wish so much I could help you. Sometimes I make myself listen to my Richard saying to me before he died "Promise me you'll try to do the best you can with the time you have left" He held my hand tightly...he knew how hard this would be for me...he told the doctors and nurses he was worried because I would be all alone....Well, I held on to him and promised him that I would try...and now I am trying...it's just so hard...but I get a little stronger each time I think of how much it meant to him that I be ok...so I picture him beside me holding me hand and us walking together like we did so often and I know it will give him more peace if I got stronger as each day went by...until we can be together again. I do this by myself because like Scotty said about the saying "Misery likes company"?, but he added "Company doesn't like Misery"...That's so true...so we put on a front of "wellness", but you know, Teny, when you look in the mirror - it's just a shell. I'm hoping that we'll work this out; that someday there will be peace and that when we smile or laugh it will be from our hearts. I wish people, friends, family would just let us cry and cry and cry and just hold us when we do...I think that eventually that would help us...but instead they want to get us on another subject or another activity - so we just bury our grief and cry alone otherwise everyone is uncomfortable...I know that when I lost my mother and when my younger brother died, Richard was there by my side always and when I cried I cried and he held me and I never felt I was making him uncomfortable...he just let me cry and talk and cry and he held me. So I have to think he's still here holding me up when I cry and maybe I'm not crying alone after all...Teny, don't you think Yanni is there with you too and that when you cry he's there...and after you cry the pain out that at least you feel maybe just a little peace for just a little while. I'm thinking of you, Teny. Lily

Dear Scotty, It;s 4:30 am and I can't sleep even with a sleeping pill - I've been crying and crying ....so I'm here...seems as though you all are "lifesavers" ....I know what you mean about the crying...Some days when I don't cry, I think OK I'm getting a little better...and then the sadness overwhelms me again....but I think the crying does help if for no other reason than it serves almost like an energy eater and we can rest quietly for awhile....the sadness is still there, but it seems to lose its tormenting impact of desperation...at least for awhile...I think crying saves us. I had some friends call today that I had not spoken to for some months and I cried so hard and deep but just the sound of their words of kindness, so sincere, made me feel as though I was in their arms crying even though it was over the phone, and I felt better afterward. Does this make any sense...I don't really have anyone here for support and comfort like that...we've all said this...people either feel awkward, or they give advice about time has passed and time to go on and so we or at least I do, but I've read other letters here where we seem to back off and show only our outer selves...then they think we're getting better and doing OK...My heart, my chest feels like its petrified rock; maybe the tears are Gods way of watering the heart eventually giving it life again... Isn't it as though we're two persons? One can go on with ordinary living like going to work, or taking care of the bills, or handling whatever other daily life seems to require...and then - the big slam in the chest - and this one of us "capable" person becomes a crying sobbing lost soul crying out for someone to help...SCotty, my thoughts are with you now at 5:00 a.m. just so you know you are not alone...Lily

I can never remember the right words to a song butI always thought Johny Cash's song was "on a lonely sunday sidewalk, lord I wish that I were dead"....and if those aren't the words, that's how I feel....it's easter sunday and i took by dog for a long walk and ride and the streets and sidewalks are all deserted...and those words ran through my head ....I'm so much in pain that I can't see how I can live with this...it's getting worse for me not better...I want him back so badly and I know that can't be and that just seems as though my heart is breaking in thousands and thousands of pieces every day...other than all of you here, I don't have a support group...when I go out to a dinner or for a ride I can put on a "face" but inside I'm crying for him....I miss him so much, so so much...and I really can't see it getting better for me....I just can't....he was everything to me...the other day, I heard someone on tv I think describe 3 kinds of friends - Inner - Outer and behind the veil....he said the inner are those you know by name, are cordial and nice to...these are acquaintances. the Outer are those that come to your house, go out to dinner couple times, you call every now and then/ you know the names of their kids....The BEHIND THE VEIL - you could have 2 - at the most!!!! YOU ARE BLESSED IF YOU HAVE ONE. tHESE ARE THE ONES YOU INVITE TO HOLD YOUR HEART/ THEY CAN HURT YOU IF THEY DESIRE/ YOU SHARE PARTS OF YOURSELF THAT INNER AND OUTER FRIENDS ARE NOT PRIVILEGED TO KNOW. You can call these friends at 2 a.m. and they'll be there for you. Rich was my behind the veil friend. And from reading all of these letters I know that your losses were also the same....and I don't believe that anyone can understand the pain and grief unless they have suffered the loss of someone so much a part of your own being. I can't cry when I'm with others because I can sense it makes them uncomfortable if it even seems that I might cry and the subject is changed and so I have to listen to what other subject makes everyone comfortable...I don't think I'm being a cry baby or pity me person....it's just that I want someone to help me so badly and there is no one....I cry for Rich I cry for God and I don't think they can help me because I know that if Rich could, he would....and certainly God can make a go of it....I'm just so tired and so lonely and so alone... I don't know what else to do....I can putter around the house, pay bills, make calls, etc....but I can not have a moment of quiet peace....I used to read read read...couldn't wait until I got home from the bookstores... and I can't concentrate now beyond a sentence or two....I thought that if I could get interested in reading again, I would be able to get absorbed in whatever book I was reading ...and that might give me some relief...but I try and try and can't...someone gave me the name of a counselor, but I'm afraid I'm defeating that before I go because I can't imagine how the counselor can help....or how can meds help...the other day I was listening to Robert Morrison "going home" gospel song? He is so powerful in his rendition, but rather then be blessed with serenity....I wanted to die and be with all those who are waiting for me over there....my god....I hope this doesn't make anyone feel worse - this seems so full of despair...but I have no where else to go and really no one else to talk with. Thank you - all of you - I read as many of your letters as I can and sit here and cry and wish I could hold each and everyone who is in so much pain and help the pain go away....Lily

Scotty and Rosemary, I wonder if the this preoccupation with death is just part of the overwhelming pain of sadness that we have because we've lost part of our hearts...I made arrangements for my funeral services, but Rosemary, like you we had no children...we had such a closeness and now he's gone and I'm all alone. I don't feel like retraining my life to have other interests. I enjoyed doing things with Rich and he with me...and it could be almost anything....and now I miss him so much that I cry everyday and talk to him hoping somehow he'll answer me...but that's not happening...so I keep my self or at least try to busy and part of keeping busy is "getting things in order" I made a new will, made funeral arrangements, have given bags and bags of "stuff" (my stuff, not Rich's) to Goodwill. I think I'm doing this because I pray to die in my sleep....I just miss him so much I can't bear it. I actually think he will come back to me...and then I realize that's not going to happen....and I cry. People tell me I have to get out, keep busy, find other interests. My God - I try to keep busy, but still, beneath the surface of the "busy" work thoughts is a running memory tape; And I'm not ready and don't know if I ever will be ready to change my lifestyle...I liked what I had before...but now I have no joy of life and almost everything seems meaningless to me....so, yes, I think of death - I think it would bring a release of the pain...nothing else seems to be helping... Scotty, it's strange, isn't it...that even with this awful emptiness and pain, we can still think rationally ...here you are fixing the house thinking of your daughter and I'm sorting things out and throwing things out so that if I should die no one has a problem...and doing all that I think makes people think we're doing well...for me it's just a cover. I think the world perceives "depressed" as not getting out of bed, or cleaning up, or not eating and if you're doing all that, then you must be doing better or well...I get out of bed each day, clean up, and eat and actually function some...alone, can't be with a lot of people ...but then I never was a "have to be around a lot of people" person....I was a loner and still am...but I find I can't read and I always loved reading as did my husband...and I don't laugh or smile anymore...except superficially. Scotty, Rosemary - you're in my thoughts. Lily

Hi Ejn, I'm so sorry...when I read your letter I started to cry...I lost my husband on October 31, 2007. We would have celebrated our 46 wedding anniversay this Feb. 24. How can we not think we're all alone now...we were really kids when we met and went through everything together...Rich was always there for me and we could talk about anything and everything... we shared all the good times and the bad times...I'm sorry about the loss of your son; your husband was at your side then, wasn't he. I was called last week about my dadbeing taken to the hospital - he is ok now, but when I got the call it was as though someone kicked me in the chest - all I could think of was that Rich was always there when something happened and he always was my support always his arm around me....sometimes you have that special closeness with your loved one that no one else can understand or fill the space...not even children even though they try. I feel all alone now too...I go out for a meal or two, but only with one friend...she talks a lot and all I have to do is listen, but if there are more people I really can't bear it...if I don't say anything they want to know "we're you always this quiet" then I have to tell them about my husband and I don't feel like sharing or talking to just anyone ....the only thing that made me feel less miserable for a while was a project to fill gift baskets for a chinese auction to help sick children...I took time and bought items for the baskets and got them ready, but even that...after a while I started to cry because Rich would've been shopping with me and clowning around ....there's nothing I do thatdoesn't make me remember times with him.... EJN, I wish so much I could help you, but I could only cry when I read your letter....I wrote in a month or so ago and then just couldn't write anymore... then I did again and I realized that writing helps me even if just a little, everyone that has written to me is so kind and understanding and no judgments and no directions on "getting on with your life" and I know that helps me some...and even if its only for a while, it thatbrief time when I'm feeling some relief from the sadness and almost unbearable pain. I hope writing will help you some too. Lily

I haven't been here for awhile - just could not bring myself to talk about losing Rich - just seems too painful to even share - each day seems to be worse for me because he will not be coming back to me - I can't explain it but there are no times when I feel fine or good or at peace - I can put on a front for people but inside I feel that I'm darkness and my heart is stone...I never am able to get my mind off of losing Rich - When I'm alone I cry and cry and it seems as though the tears will never stop flowing...I do this alone because I think it makes people uncomfortable...people who are not going through what we are seem to want to offer solutions - but there is no solution to the misery and torment - he can't come back to me. I'm sorry that I can't remember your name - you said your sister in law said people who cry in front of others want attention? I'm sorry she said that to you. I don't want attention and I don't want to be told what to do - I want someone to just sit with me and let me cry and cry and cry...On the surface I can do mundane things like paying bills, getting things done on the legal end, taking care of home maintenance, etc, but on the inside I hurt so bad I wish I could die....someone remarked the other day that I was doing much better....if only they knew....I miss him so much and when I think how he won't be with me anymore for anything....just everyday gossip, just riding in the car -- my god we shared so much and now he's not here...I really can't stand the sadness...I probably will not take my life because I don't know how to do it effectively - I'm only stopped by the fear that I'll mess up and end up in the care of someone for the rest of my life... but I do wish I would die in my sleep.... When your sisteriin law said what she did to you, I thought "well so what if we want attention" I don't want attention, what I want is help help help to rid myself of this pain and misery and torment....so when I cry I cry because it hurts so much and maybe there's this thought that maybe someone can help me with my pain - but then I know no one can because the only way my pain will go away is if Rich were here and he's not and its not possible for him ever to be with me....I look at his pictures and it doesn't seem as though he's gone - they're just too real - his arm around me, clowning around, looking at me as though there could be no one he could love more and this after 45 years!!!! This sounds like a pity letter - and if it is too upsetting for anyone, I am sincerely sorry....it's just that I have nowhere else to go with this....no one really wants to listen and since I act ok "on the surface" they think I'm ok and so "you should do this" or do that and I don't even feel like breathing. thank you for listening to me, I know your hearts are breaking and I know you're in a dark place too...and I don't want to drag anyone down. I want to thank everyone who wrote to me... I'm never certain I'm doing this correctly...but just knowing that out there somewhere are men and women who are having to bear the pain of someone more precious than can be said in words helps me. thank you from my heart. Lily

Dear Teny, I'm so sorry you lost Yiany. I lost my husband, Richard, just 2 months ago and like Yiany was to you, Richard was to me. We had no children and I think because of that we focused on each other, we enjoyed each other so much, we shared so much...we really liked each other, you know. I don't know if any pills will ever help - it would be great if pills could wash away the pain - the only thing that seems to help me is when I think of how Rich always was there for me in times of trouble or grieving - he was always my strong supporter, my shoulder to lean on - now, when I need him the most to help me through the loss of someone who I loved so dearly, he's not here - but he is in my heart and I can hear him saying to me I'm here and you can do this, you can do anything you set your heart and mind to. I know you can. And see, he would always somehow give me that boost I needed. So if I hold him in my mind and think how sad he would be if I didn't keep trying trying trying....I can go on a little...and maybe someday it will get better. Yiany is there for you also, Teny. He has to be. After Rich died I wrote in desperation to the chaplain of the hospital where he died. I wrote because I needed comfort from somewhere someone and even though I had lostmy faith in God because I couldn't see an all powerful loving God allowing Rich to suffer as he did before he died... But there was something about this chaplain that I felt I could write to. I told her about Rich's and my life together ...and her words were very comforting. I had told her that even knowing how much pain I would experience, I would still say yes to marrying Richard. She said "You recognize that the price we pay for a great love is great loss. Is there consolation in knowing that your love for Richard - the way he filled your life, the way your grew up together - has made you bigger, has stretched your sould, and now your ability to love, your ability to see and embrace and understand this precious life of ours is greater than it was before? And even though all this space inside you feels empty now, the greatness of your har will last forever. Richard's legacy to you is love." "Love doesn't make sense unless somehow it lasts forever.... A wise friend of mine believes that the souls of those we love deeply stay close by us a long time after their passing. Have you any senseof Richard's being near to you? When the pain subsides for a while, when you are quiet, do you have any sign that he is close at hand?" Teny, I wanted to share these kind words with you. I hope they help you even if for a little while. Lily

KIM - I started to write a little while ago and then must have hit the wrong key - so I don't know what happened....but what I started to say was simply that my heart cries for your sadness and wondered if just having someone hold you close while you cried and cried and cried with such a broken heart if that would help you...maybe a close family member or are professional counselors allowed to do that. I know that sometimes just a comforting (but sincere) touch or arm around my shoulders helps - only temporary, but stil it comforts. I wish I could help you more but I feel like running too, but where to? All my paths are blocked. My heart goes out to you, Kim. Lily

This is good - being able to write out what's in your heart and mind without fear of taking up somone else's time or someone telling you what you should be or should not be doing. I know people mean well and I know that people don't know what to say or do, but right now I can't handle their uncomfortableness. I feel as though I'm getting worse as each day goes by and when somone calls and asks Am I OK? I feel like shrieking...today I attempted to find out if there were local grief support groups, but its Saturday and offices are closed - but I did get hold of a hospice number and the nurse said she would have someone call me with info on Monday. She asked if I was OK? I became unraveled and shouted no, I'm not ok, but I'll wait until Monday. See, I feel like I'm being overly sensitive - so of course no one wants to be around a crazy lady. I am an intelligent, educated retired professional and yet I can't explain it - but there's a part of me that thinks my husband will be here tomorrow or the next day...it's almost as if I don't want to join a grief support group because then I am accepting that he's gone...and when the moments come that he is not ever coming back to me, I want to die. When you all wrote to me, telling me how you understood and how you too had a dream in which your husband was holding you, how you think too he's coming back, I cried and cried. I know now that I'm not alone in my pain and I think I know too that you have to actually be in a similar situation - because then you actually do understand what is happening to someone. Right now almost everything seems irrelevant to me...my husband died and I had to pack some books that he had been reading and never finished. He wondered before we left our home for his treatment when they would be finished with paving the road - and I came home to the paved road that he never will see...the bicycles that he was getting ready for our trip on still on the stand in the basement with his bike tools lying around...I can hear him so clearly calling me, asking me if I could come down for a minute to help him with something...just ordinary life - how can someone make such a difference. I've resorted to buying a book on having the spirit of the loved one come back through gazing into a mirror - but you have to be relaxed and I'm always either on the verge of tears or crying...and I think if my husband came back, I would never let him go....see I hope you all don't think I'm too crazy for all this but I have nowhere else to go with this pain. I want him with me and I know, really know, that will not happen. You know, I can sleep at night, but the moment I wake up - it's bad. I, too, try to sleep late, but can't...even tried sleeping pills, but they only let me sleep soundly and not longer. I wish so much to just die in my sleep. I held my husband in my arms when he died and I wish he would or could just do the same for me. Please don't think I'm too morbid - I don't want you to stop writing - but right now I just feel as though I'm a well of tears and have never felt such despairing sadness - I can write all I want and for the moment I'm writing, my mind is on the keyboard - but this won't bring him back either will it. Now I feel as though I'm not helping anyone else or supporting them but adding to their sadness. Please forgive me if I've done that - but I can't seem to help myself - I want comfort so badly that I let all emotions out and I guess I can only do that anonymously and not feel self conscious or that I'm making someone feel uncomfortable because I can't see you - yet I know you are all real persons who are suffering and are in pain and agony as I am. Thank you all for listening to me.

Teri - I've just now become a new member and not sure I'm doing any of this correctly - but I'll keep trying because even typing these messages out keeps my mind occupied for a while. MY heart goes out to you - I, too, feel that things are just getting worse for me...and I feel so desperate and hopeless when I wake each day and know my husband is not coming back to me. I can\ see him so clearly when he was sick and my heart breaks and then I see him when he was healthy and I see him joking with me and teasing and shopping and eating and walking and biking and just holding me and I die with each memory. I cry now more than ever--someone said to me after asking how are you today - your tears are probably all dried up. They have no idea. I feel as though I'm burning with pain on the inside. I can't get interested in books anymore and I used to be an avid reader - I can't watch the news because it all seems so insignificant - we're here for such a short time and make so much of nothing - and I too seem to lose patience and want to scream when someone makes a complaint about some minor infraction or minor illness. My husband was so strong for three years and we fought and did everything for him to live, but when the indiginities of his last hospital stay were such that he just couldn't do it anymore, he said he wanted to die, to just fall asleep and not wake up; he didn't want to leave me alone, but the pain of his life was too much...I know he worried about leaving me all alone and I know that he would have fought to live if the pain hadn't been so much...I miss him so much that I don't think I can go on much longer. Life without him just doesn't seem worth it. I thought about trying to volunteer at a childrens hospital, but now I think I would only make it worse for everyone by bringing them down with my sadness... because all I feel is this overwhelming sadness...I have felt this way since he died - but only worse. I can only recall some respite when a few times I had dreams in which he and I were doing things and I felt normal and then I woke and for that brief instant while awake and before realizing it was a dream, I had a light, pleasant feeling. I don't know what to do with myself - I think if I don't do something I'll lose my mind...one of the reasons I signed on to this support group I think was a desperate cry for help. I have virtually no support group in my life. I feel self conscious, I think, about burdening either family or friends - I think they think I should be better by now, so I hold things in and on the surface - I appear ok...but I'm screaming on the inside. thank you for listening.