Bebekat Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 Sometimes, just for a brief second or two, I still think in the back of my mind that this is all some horrible, horrible dream. I just need to wake up and it will all go away. Thursday was an awful day at work. It actually all started the night before driving home from work. There was a song on the radio; I don’t even know what it was, but I started crying. I got home, took care of the evening chores and decided to check this board. That was the evening Kayc started the discussion “To All Those With Fresh Losses.” Again, there I was, crying my eyes out. So, I decided to sit and watch the rest of “Crash” for the second time. Bad choice, I was again reduced to tears. So, I went to bed. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got a few hours of sleep. The next morning I went to work. My confidant there was assigned to work in another area, so I didn’t even get to talk to her. I couldn’t seem to be nice to anyone. I work in a high stress ICU environment. There is never enough help. Everything is critical and I was angry. Before going home, I apologized to my co-workers for being a witch with a “b”. They agreed I had been. This morning I got a call at 5am asking if I could come in to work. I said no. I know they are short. I know how hard it is; yet I can’t seem to help. I can’t say yes and I feel guilty. How can I help anyone else if I can’t hold it together myself? I can’t ask to be assigned to another area because the ICU is my comfort level. I can’t take time off as I’m only working two 12-hour days a week now. I volunteered to work 8 hours tomorrow more to relieve my guilt than anything else. I feel like I’m going nuts. Is it that I just don’t care anymore about anyone but me? Do I still feel like whole medical community is just a lie? Do I not care to get too close to the patients because some of them are just going to die? I never was that way before. Tom would be the first person to tell me that I need to not be so hard on myself and try to relax, but he’s not here. And that’s really what keeps this thing going and going. He’s not here to help me laugh it off. I just don’t know anymore…anything. Some days are just bad and I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening.All my love Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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