Some Days Are Just Bad

[Bebekat]

Sometimes, just for a brief second or two, I still think in the back of my mind that this is all some horrible, horrible dream. I just need to wake up and it will all go away.

Thursday was an awful day at work. It actually all started the night before driving home from work. There was a song on the radio; I don’t even know what it was, but I started crying. I got home, took care of the evening chores and decided to check this board. That was the evening Kayc started the discussion “To All Those With Fresh Losses.” Again, there I was, crying my eyes out. So, I decided to sit and watch the rest of “Crash” for the second time. Bad choice, I was again reduced to tears. So, I went to bed. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I got a few hours of sleep. The next morning I went to work. My confidant there was assigned to work in another area, so I didn’t even get to talk to her. I couldn’t seem to be nice to anyone. I work in a high stress ICU environment. There is never enough help. Everything is critical and I was angry. Before going home, I apologized to my co-workers for being a witch with a “b”. They agreed I had been. This morning I got a call at 5am asking if I could come in to work. I said no. I know they are short. I know how hard it is; yet I can’t seem to help. I can’t say yes and I feel guilty. How can I help anyone else if I can’t hold it together myself? I can’t ask to be assigned to another area because the ICU is my comfort level. I can’t take time off as I’m only working two 12-hour days a week now. I volunteered to work 8 hours tomorrow more to relieve my guilt than anything else. I feel like I’m going nuts.

Is it that I just don’t care anymore about anyone but me? Do I still feel like whole medical community is just a lie? Do I not care to get too close to the patients because some of them are just going to die? I never was that way before.

Tom would be the first person to tell me that I need to not be so hard on myself and try to relax, but he’s not here. And that’s really what keeps this thing going and going. He’s not here to help me laugh it off. I just don’t know anymore…anything. Some days are just bad and I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for listening.

All my love Tom

[Guest Guest_vivian_*]

Bebecat: You're not crazy, you're human. I sometimes feel guilty when I turn off the news as they're about to talk about an upcoming breakthrough for some cancer. Whatever the breakthrough is it is too late for Rick. Selfish? Maybe, but it's how I feel. I think you are being too hard on yourself. I try to write a list the night before I go to bed; if I accomplish one thing on that list the next day it's an accomplishment.

I wish I could listen to music stations but I'm still to raw. Rick himself was a gifted composer and I would love to listen to his music but I'm afraid that at the sound of his voice I wouldn't be able to stop the tears.

So hang in there, tomorrow's another day and like you I'm very grateful for this site. Vivian

[kayc]

I don't think it's selfish to know what you need to do to look after yourself...that's called being in tune with yourself. You yourself know what you can and can't handle, listen to yourself and go accordingly. I know what you mean when you say

Tom would be the first person to tell me that I need to not be so hard on myself and try to relax, but he’s not here.

that's how come it's so hard...you don't have him to talk over your day with or get his feedback that always used to put everything into persepective for you. Forgive yourself for being a ------ to your co-workers and move on...they surely understand, and if not, oh well! WE understand! Sometimes I don't even like myself when I catch myself being like that...and I do sometimes. But we've been through a lot, and we are yet going through a lot and we need to be extra kind and full of grace to ourselves.

[Bebekat]

I am so grateful for this site. Thanks

[shell]

Kayc is absolutely on the mark. We all have to "get selfish" and take care of ourselves, and believe me, it's not selfish! And there are periods (not just days) where I am so nice to everyone and want to help them and do for them, etc. Then I hit a period where I'm fed up with helping everyone else and I retreat and take care of me. So we have to remember that this whole thing is a rollercoaster and you just have to ride it up and down. Hopefully, as time goes by, we'll have more ups than downs.

Hang in there everyone!

Shell