Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Still not adjusting


Recommended Posts

Hi. I'm new here. I lost my mom a year ago from peritoneal cancer. She suffered for 5 years because her cancer didn't really have a remission. Longest was 6 months without chemo. I'm 39. I moved back in with her when I was 27. Anyway, i never really got to tell her goodbye. She was having s hard time breathing a lot in the last 6 months so she was constantly in and out of hospital to have her lungs drained. Anyway, she would go in and then come home like normal. This time her breathing just couldn't get under control. She had stopped fighting and suffered severe depression. The women never caught a break. Anyway, she was getting hardly any oxygen, do she was out of it and then it seemed like okay up to hospice where I never spoke to her again. That first day she woke up scared one time because she heard my daughter crying and then back to coma. I got through the funeral even laughing but she helped me raise my child and was with me for everything. God, her bedroom was connected to mine, we shared our birthday. It was like she was my husband. I got through the first year not quite knowing how to make life seem complete. Something is still keeping me back from enjoying my life. Everyone says it gets easier but I feel it get worse the longer it is from when I spoke to her last! How can I come home from work everyday and just live a normal life when I have no one to talk to anymore. Like health issues and my daughter's life, my job!!!! I lost my mom, , my partner, my therapist, my best friend??

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, Stephh123,

Welcome to the place none of us volunteered for.  It is a warm and welcome place.  What you describe is much of my first year of grief.  Although the circumstances may be different, I can completely relate to what you say.  Unfortunately, the "Everyone says it gets easier" are not the ones going through this deep grief and loss. over time the intensity of your grief may lessen but none of us are "normal" or the same.

The profound love you have for your Mom is now expressed in your grief. We fellowship and learn from this group, MartyT, and many friends  share tools to help us to deal with our changed life.  Your coming here is a first step in helping you deal with what you have been facing this last year. 

By sharing my pain and grief here, I have come to learn and cope with it.  You can learn too!.  There will be more people responding and here for you. You are not alone in this.  We understand.  Please come back often.  It has helps me tremendously to have a place to go where people really understand this grief and loss of our loved ones. - Shalom, George

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Stephh, I'm a  few years older than you and I also lost my mom last year.I have been a single parent (of 3) for  years now, and just like you my mom was my other half.We were closer than any mother and daughter I've ever known, we  even finished each other's sentences.She did absolutely everything for me and my kids Even though she  had so much illness in her life (polio and scarlet fever as a little kid,crohns disease, thyroid disease,breast cancer).She had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.I know how much it hurts.She had breast cancer that returned after nine years, spread to her peritoneum/organs and killed her a week after we found out.For me, some days are just ok, other days I cry until I can't cry anymore.My father also passed from cancer a month ago, so  all the feelings I felt when my mom died  have come back to haunt me.He had lung cancer.I hate cancer.I would  give my life for a cure, in a heartbeat. Please know that you are NOT alone.I'm so sorry you lost an amazing mom to cancer.To put it bluntly, it sucks.I'm around if you need someone to listen, and so are many other amazing people . This is a great place!.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stephh,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, and for all she went through.  You were very close to your mom and it's understandable that it leaves a huge gap in your life.  I lost my husband 12 years ago and my mom 3 years ago, and I understand all too well the profound feelings of loss.  Have you seen a professional grief counselor? It might help you a lot.  It seems the grief we find ourselves with matches the love we shared with them, and the deeper the love, the more sorrow we feel.  While we don't "get over" them, we do eventually learn to adjust to what it means to our lives now.  Although it's never the same as it was, I have learned to focus on what IS rather than merely on what ISN'T, but it has been a lot longer for me too.  This grief work is exhausting but oh so important!  I have found it does help to express yourself.  Although it may not change your circumstances, it does help to know you are heard and that your feelings are valid and what you are going through is normal.  It also helps to know you're not alone in experiencing these feelings.  It sounds like you had a wonderful mom, so it's no wonder you're feeling such loss now.  It's like everything has become a "before" or "after" that point in time, because it was life-changing for us.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.  

  • Like 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone! I am so glad to be able to get all that out. My father is in denial still because of guilt and my sister and I are not close so there is really no one for me to vent to! Things haven't really changed much. Everyday I go to work and come home and wonder what to do with myself. It's scary. I really need to find my own life. The "we" is gone so I need to find something for me to do to distract myself. I already exercise and in the beginning it helped with stress but now I have lost 100+ pounds and I don't enjoy it like I did. It doesn't distract me. If anything since I lost this weight I am less happier because now it is a daily chore to obtain. Don't know anymore!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Stephh123 said:

Thanks everyone! I am so glad to be able to get all that out. My father is in denial still because of guilt and my sister and I are not close so there is really no one for me to vent to! Things haven't really changed much. Everyday I go to work and come home and wonder what to do with myself. It's scary. I really need to find my own life. The "we" is gone so I need to find something for me to do to distract myself. I already exercise and in the beginning it helped with stress but now I have lost 100+ pounds and I don't enjoy it like I did. It doesn't distract me. If anything since I lost this weight I am less happier because now it is a daily chore to obtain. Don't know anymore!

Stephh123,

Congratulations on the weight loss.  You are welcome to share here anytime.  It has helped me tremendously because few people outside this group truly understand this grief journey.  My wife died 2.5 years ago and it just takes time. This is not a race but it is a journey.  I have learned I need to take care of myself (health) as well as I did my wife's mother and my precious wife.  I have lost 80 lbs since my highest weight and plan to lose another 100lbs.  I have found a way that works for me and I am not craving foods, hungry all the time, or using food to comfort my grief and loss.  Ask yourself,  What do you like and what gives you joy?  You deserve happiness and healing through his grief and loss.  There are many resources here to help you through your journey.  You are not alone and we all care for you and each other.  MartyT, has wonderful resources, insight and experience to help us along the way.  Take care - Shalom, George

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stephh,

Self care is so important!  It's valuing ourselves enough to do for us.  It's needed all the more so in grief as it's easy to not care.  We need our bodies/brains to be at their optimum because this is a time when we are most challenged and it's hard enough just getting through the day.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...