Feeling lost

[meowwlinda]

Hello everyone,

I broke up with my ex boyfriend 7 months ago. We tried stay friends but he wrote me one day that he didn't want to talk to me since he still had feelings for me  and that he would recontact me when he is ready. I respected his wish because I wanted him to get over me and be happy.

Three weeks ago, his mom called me: he killed himself over the weekend. She told me that his depression became worse after we broke up (he already had depression when we were together and it was too much for me to handle, which is one of the many reasons I decided to break up) and that he had some kind of breakdown after our break up. He had to go in a psychiatrical clinic. During the last weeks of his life, he was feeling better and reaching out to people and he was allowed to stay at home during the weekend. His mom and sister went on a vacation and came home 3 hours later than usual and they found him dead. Hearing this broke my heart. I'm also feeling guilty: What if we were still together, would I be able to prevent that? I should have tried to keep in touch, to talk to his family and friends... I feel so sorry that I was not there for him during his last months. He wrote me a letter that they found in his diary at the hospital in which he says that he is very happy that we have so much memories together.

I'm not in love with him anymore, I have a new boyfriend whom I love and I was very happy with him until I heard what happened to David. I don't know how to behave when I'm with my boyfriend, he is there for me and very sweet but it seems wrong to me to see him while I mourn my ex. I don't even know who I'm thinking about when I listen to a love song. I don't know how to cope with loss since it's the first time someone I know dies (I'm 21). The pain is always there.

Do you have any advice on how to cope with this?

 

(Sorry if my grammar is not too good, English is not my 1st language)

[kayc]

I'm very sorry for this situation.  You are NOT responsible for his death!  He had problems before you were together, and he continued having problems afterwards.  If he had been able to change his depression, he would have, but sometimes people are so depressed they don't know how to handle it, or how to get better.  he was getting help and even that professional help wasn't enough.  I had a friend in this situation and he also took his life.  His family/friends tried to help him, he was under professional care, but he didn't feel he could go another day. 

You are very young to have to be facing something so hard.  It's okay to cry, okay to mourn.  I'm glad you have someone that cares about you in your life.  Your XBF wasn't able to be whole for you and I wish you well with your current relationshp.  Sometimes, try as we might, we can't be what someone else wants, we can't be responsible for their happiness.  You can only take with you the good memories.

I would encourage you to seek professional grief counseling, sometimes we need help getting through these complicated situations.

[MartyT]

My dear, for those who are left behind, a death by suicide is one of the most difficult kinds of loss to bear. Add to that the fact that you are so young to be experiencing such a traumatic and complicated grief. I urge you to do some reading that is aimed specifically at survivors of suicide loss, to help you come to a better understanding of what has happened here, and to give you some ways to manage your own reactions. You'll find dozens of helpful resources here, and I pray that you will take advantage of some of them: Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss ♥