pet loss Missing my baby girl so much

[DanielleD]

Hello, I lost my baby girl Chanel on December 2 2017 at 1:36 am at the age of 6. It still hasn't fully set in as my mind keeps thinking she's still here, either sleeping in the other room or just outside playing/going pee. It wasn't something expected or I could prepare for. Some asshole left food with antifreeze in it at the local park where multiple dog owners go with their fur babies. I've barely slept or eaten since then cause whenever I close my eyes that night just replays over and over again in my mind. I don't want to go into detail right now but it was bad, really bad. I've had my baby girl with me since she was 2 weeks old. Yes 2 weeks. My brother and I found her and her two brothers in a box thrown in a ditch in the rural part of town where we used to live. They were so sick and cut up we didn't know if any of them would make it but all 3 did. And turned out to be all very happy and healthy dogs. But that Friday night we had gone to the puppy park (how she knew it) like we always did and she was being her goofy playful self doing her 'bunny' jumps and chasing her tail. I always did my best to stop her from eating or drinking anything at the parks or on our walks because even before her poisoning I knew there are some sick people out there that purposely do this, especially where I live now there have been multiple reports at a bunch of parks of scum doing this.  But she was just so quick sometimes and would eat things before I could get it out of her mouth. For a dog that would NEVER take food from anyone but me or my brother even if I said it was okay she always managed to find stuff on the ground and would eat it. Which is exactly what happened that night. It was around two later she started puking and I knew she must of ate something that she shouldn't have and just thought it was an allergic reaction (she was allergic to A LOT of things) but then she started to seize and struggling to breath. I rushed her to the emergency vet and they tried for hours to save her. Her liver and kidneys were so swollen like they were about to burst and were shutting down going into complete failure. Their levels were so high the machine couldn't even read them. She had such a high dose of antifreeze in her system even if I got her there when she initially ate it they don't think they could of saved her. I stayed with her until they closed at 8am and they kicked me out. The vet wasn't so cold but the vet techs were amazing and so kind. But now here I am a few days later still trying to process everything. She literally went everywhere with me so even leaving my home is too painful having to see everywhere we used to go but also staying in is just as painful. I haven't gone in my bedroom since that night cause it's all how she left it. Her blanket bed all messy her toys everywhere and food bowl with food still in it. I had to take down all her pictures for now cause it's just so painful to see them all. When I do sleep (very little) I have her favourite toy with me, her collar wrapped around my wrist and one of her blankets that smells like her. Only support system I have close by are my dad but who still has his own life to live, my bf and a few close friends (but none that have ever owned a dog). My brother is currently living in another province. When I say this dog was my whole life I mean it. I never would want to hangout with people cause just the thought of being away from her longer than I needed to killed me. But flash forward two days later my bf had been by my side the whole time with me including that terrible night. Him and Chanel were best friends especially since he is off on disability leave from work for some serious health reasons, so they were together everyday while I had to work. When I was home they were constantly together doing everything.  He was the one person I needed the most right now as we live together and have been together for 8 years. But now he's so cold mean and distant. Yelling at me and blaming me saying I always ignored her cause I had to work. And the worst saying she was just a dog and I need to get over it cause he is over it. I know with grieving comes anger but this feels different. He actually threw out her leash and some of her stuff while I was out with my dad arranging for her cremation and paw print impression. I had to go dumpster diving to get it all back, thankfully he put it all in a bag so nothing got ruined. Now ontop of trying to grieve Chanel I'm going through a breakup. He said the only thing keeping us together was 'that dog' and he hasn't loved me for years if he ever did at all. I literally don't know what to do anymore. If I'm not breaking down crying I'm just numb. He was by my side crying and grieving Chanel for those first two days and now he's a completely different person. I didn't know where else to go but online to try and find some help and guidance and came across this site. It physically hurts how much I miss my baby girl, it literally feels like there's a hole where my heart used to be. I'm struck with guilt for deciding to go to the park at night for not paying closer attention. Everything just keeps replaying in my mind and all the what ifs are killing me. And then wham my bf kicking me when I'm down and being so cruel towards me. I know it will take time if not years but at this moment I feel so helpless and lost. I know I will feel slightly better once I have her ashes back home with me but till then I just keep laying in my bathroom with her blanket and toy cause it was the only place she never went into and the only place I feel slightly okay with everything that is happening. I'm sorry that this is so long I just needed to get it out. Thank you for reading.

 

danielle 

 

[kayc]

Danielle,

Wow, I'm so sorry!  Both that you lost your dog and for all she had to go through, and for your BF being so awful to you!  I can't imagine anyone being so cruel, just when you need him the most.  You might want to post this over in Loss of Love Relationship section as well.  

I had a cat that got into antifreeze, years ago, she was walking jerkily and acting really weird, her eyes were sharp, can't explain it, we knew something was wrong with her nerve system, we rushed her in to ER and they gave her three different shots, one was cortisone, don't remember what the others were, but she pulled through.  It is something you never forget.  I don't understand how anyone could be so horrible as to try to poison animals.  I thought they had changed antifreeze so this wouldn't happen.  I know it used to be sweet smelling and appeal to them.

It's going to be really rough, especially since you're living together, to go through a breakup on top of everything else.  Will you be the one leaving, or will he?  I was wondering if you had some place to go to, maybe your dad's?  I'm glad you have him nearby and he's there for you.

Guilt is a byproduct of grief...you haven't done anything to feel guilty about, it's just the grief speaking.  I hope you'll read these articles and take them to heart, most of us feel guilt when we lose someone we love, almost like we are trying to rewrite the ending so we can have a different outcome, but of course, that's not possible.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml 

As for your BF throwing your working in your face, people have to work, no choice about that, and your working paid for a place for her to live, heat for her to be comfortable, dogfood, treats, etc.  Try not to let him get to you.  For some reason he is trying to hurt you, he's choosing to strike out with the most hurtful things he can say...let it reside with him and refuse to take it in to yourself, imagine a shield in front of you so his words will bounce back to him, and not penetrate you.  You don't need that, now or ever.

In time the intensity of this pain will lessen a bit and become more manageable, but there's no way to hurry the process, it is just that, a process, no way but straight through it.  If you can listen to music or something to help drown out the pain for a bit to give yourself a break, or maybe go for a walk to let out the stress...head for the opposite direction as the park.  My heart goes out to you, I feel your pain.  (((hugs)))

It really does help to come here and express yourself, know that you are heard and we care.

[Maylissa]

Danielle, your whole story is just SOOOO awful!!! My computer is just about crashing on me so I can't write much for now, but I echo virtually everything Kay said. I feel terrible for you and your poor baby girl, Chanel. There are too many sick people out there and I'm so very sorry you were both victims of their ghastliness. And what I think of your BF's behaviour & cruel words, I can't even print! But I can empathize with your plight. From my perspective, if he's that mean-spirited, it's best he's out of your life anyway. On a more spiritually-based note, perhaps a crisis and loss such as this was even meant to serve  your highest good, in that he showed his true colours at the worst possible time, to save you from what may have been an even more ruinous future with him?

In any case, yes, write as much, in whatever forums you need to here, and know there are hearts going out to you in your overwhelming sorrow. Were we in person, I'd be crying right alongside you...

Note to Kay: those safer antifreeze products were, or still are?, out there, but they're not mandated anywhere...just potentially available.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Maylissa said:

Note to Kay: those safer antifreeze products were, or still are?, out there, but they're not mandated anywhere...just potentially available.

I'm sorry to hear they're not mandated.  Antifreeze, such as our cat got a hold of, drips onto driveways and roads and the sweet smell/taste attracts animals.  It's too bad our government doesn't care more.

[Maylissa]

Kay, even many animal guardians don't care, either, nor do they bother to learn anything. Our neighbour recklessly stored antifreeze on the floor of the garage (I saw it there). Her cat ended up in Emerg. & nearly died from ingesting some. Kidney damage for life, and his life became a tragedy, filled with suffering. This woman ignored every bit of knowledge & resources I tried to provide her regarding the proper care of "kidney cats," and he slowly died a virtual walking skeleton with severe dementia due to progressive starvation/malnutrition. It was gut-wrenching to witness.

[Avidreader9559]

It sounds like you are grieving multiple losses at the same time, and that can be overwhelming. I am so proud of you for reaching out so that you can tell your story and so that you can process some of your grief. I was reading some articles on grief the other day, and I would like to share them with you. Grief goes through several stages and not in any particular order, and people grieve at their on pace. I would suggest that you find a group that you can connect with in your area so that you have interaction with others who can encourage you. Is there an animal shelter in your area where you can volunteer and be around others who have the same love for animals? Or is there a group that does fund-raising for animal shelters or issues where you can be a part? I think one of the dangers of grief can be isolating ourselves and getting stuck in the middle of the process. Praying for comfort for you in your losses.