Family Stress

[LoriW]

I lost my Mom suddenly 4 months ago. Since then life has changed drastically, of course. Yesterday was Easter and I really had a bad day. My family...meaning my Mom's youngest sister and my grandmother and some others really put undue stress on me and it hurts.

My Mom's youngest sister wanted to have me, my husband and girls for Easter along with my Dad (who live 90 miles away). My Dad could not come because he had to work and I really wanted a quiet time at home with my family...No big celebration, just a quiet Easter. I thanked my Aunt for the invite but declined and left this on her answering machine. She proceeded to call me and leave me messages....about 8 of them in a 24 hour period. I finally talk to her and just told her we were staying home. I thought that was fine and there would be no problem.

Yesterday, my Mom's other sister called. They live in another state. She had my Grandma (my Mom's Mom) and my cousin, uncle and brother and family over. I spoke with my Aunt and had a nice conversation. I asked about my Grandma. I began speaking with her and then she asks me why I didn't go to my Aunt's home for Easter. I told her I didn't want to...I wanted Easter at home. She was then very short with me and I said goodbye and hung up. My brother later called to find out what went on.

I know this is long..but I didn't want to celebrate yesterday. I missed my Mom yesterday. I missed my usual Easter with her. My Aunts and my Grandma and everyone else are grieving but I didn't want to do what they wanted me to do and I am the one to be feeling guilty. I am a 40 year old woman with my own family and I should celebrate any holiday the way I want to. I don't understand why they could not just respect my wishes. My Aunt who lives near me is NEVER going to replace my Mom...she is never going to be my children's Grandma. I just had a really bad day yesterday....does anyone else feel this pressure from surviving family members?

[KathyD]

I think family members believe that being together should help people get over their mutual loss even though everyone has to do it their own way, whether it be alone or with others. It sounds like your family just doesn't understand your needs - it's as though they think since being with family on Easter helps THEM it should help you too. While I don't have the same pressures or have family calling me and being short with me, there's sort of silent understanding that I have to be the rock for my Mom (my Dad - love of my life - died 3 weeks ago). My brother has told me this and my Dad even wrote in his last letter that I have to do whatever I can. I want to, but I'm trying to cope and deal with my pain and sometimes feel that no one understands. So...I think that despite pressure you should do what is best for YOU and keep your focus on that, since you're going through your own grieving process.

[shell]

LoriW,

I agree with KathyD. You have to do what is best for you and grieve in your own way. If your aunt's and grandma can't understand that, then they will just have to get over it. And maybe, down the road, you can tell them again how you just didn't feel up to the Easter thing and they will understand better. Good luck. I am so sorry for your loss, and for yours too Kathy. You are both in just the early stages of grief, so take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourselves.

My best wishes to both of you,

Shell

[LoriW]

Thank you Kathy and thank you Shell. I know I have to do what's best for me right now. I guess there is the "guilt" factor they throw at me. Kathy, I think you're right...they think things would be good if I am around them...but this year, right now....home is where I want to be with my girls and my husband. I would have had my Dad had he not had to work.

Again, thank you both....working through all this can be tiresome and a struggle.