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It's been a year

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I can't believe it has been a year since my mom passed away unexpectedly. March 26 was the anniversary of her death and April 1 will be the anniversary of her memorial service. (Also Easter and Passover weekend, seems like an auspicious date.) I actually don't feel extra sad or anything this week. Just the same lingering sense of missing her that has been there for months now, which I know will never go away. 

Some thoughts on what's been going on...

I still have a lot of dreams about her, mostly nightmares actually. In a lot of them, it turns out she was still alive all along or comes back somehow, but something is wrong, like she lost the ability to speak or doesn't recognize me. Maybe that's my brain coming to terms that while this is terrible, it's the way things are supposed to be.

My life hasn't changed dramatically in the past year. I still live in the same place, have the same job, same friends, same daily routine. I think the worst part is not being able to talk to my mom about my daily life. She was the one person who always wanted to know what I was doing, even if it was trivial in my eyes. I get upset when I can't share a favorite new book/movie/song with her. I think if/when my life does change, like if I buy a house, meet a partner/get married, etc., it will be difficult to know she's not there. 

 It's been different for my dad, who changed his entire life becoming a widower. Surprisingly, though, my dad is already selling the house and moving in with his new girlfriend! I'm happy he's not alone but it's also been a little weird for me, if I'm being honest. 

Recently, I went to a grief therapist. She gave me some coping methods and introduced me to meditation, but I still didn't feel comfortable talking about some of my more complex emotions of grief. She told me "I think you're scared of your emotions." That's true to a point. I'm scared of giving in to the powerful grief and so I try to avoid things that might make me break down. Something to work on I guess. 

I did start getting a lot more serious about my writing hobby this year, and enrolled in a writing class. Some threads in my novel in progress are inspired by what I went through with my mom. It's a good way for me to process it in a way that is from a distance and yet very intimate, and I hope if it's ever published, it might help people see their grief reflected. 

Love to you all. Even if I don't post much, I visit the forum often and find it comforting. 

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4 hours ago, Firedragon said:

I still have a lot of dreams about her, mostly nightmares actually. In a lot of them, it turns out she was still alive all along or comes back somehow, but something is wrong, like she lost the ability to speak or doesn't recognize me.

My mother died 11 years before my dad, and I coaxed him into moving from PA to AZ to be with me. We had ten good years together - just me and him and my cat Lena - and I was devastated when he died. I remember a really vivid dream a few months after he died...in the dream he was alive and suddenly came home from the hospital, demanding to know why I was getting rid of his stuff and what was he going to do without this and that. It was really unsettling, but it was just a dream and the way I was processing his death and handling of his affairs. 

I was afraid that he would die within a year of her death, as many older men do after their wife of many years dies. I spent a ton of time talking on the phone with him before he moved and then spent most of my time off work with him once he was in AZ and living in a condo less than two minutes from mine. I was really trying to keep him alive. I remember thinking for awhile that he might find another woman to be with and people used to tell me that my dad really should find a new partner as if I was supposed to facilitate that. But eventually he told me that he really had no interest in anyone else after my mother, and that relationships are more work than he was willing to devote. So we just settled into being there for each other. We became very close from spending so much time together, and that made the time sweeter but the loss deeper. I also was very isolated after his death. I had spent all of my time with him and hence had really no friends that lived near me. I have built some relationships since his death, and that is good.

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I'm finding more and more lately I'm missing my mom, which is surprising to me because my mom was so mentally ill all her life, but there were moments when she was fairly lucid and I'm finding the things I struggle with in my life now (living alone) she would understand because she did it for so long.

I don't think we ever get over some losses but it does help to talk about it here, at least it has me.

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