Now What ?

[shell]

Hi everyone,

I was just thinking about how so many of us cared for our parent, or parents, while they were sick. I had a kitty that had so many health problems that I had to give him meds ten times a day, insulin injections twice a day, and sub-q fluids once a day. And for all who are cringing, he was living a very good quality of life, believe it or not. All of this didn't seem to bother him at all, until the very end and then I had him put to sleep when I knew he was beginning to suffer. I did this for three years and was so tired I could barely get through each day, but kept going out of love for him. My point to this story is that when I finally had to let him rest in peace, I was totally lost. As tired and worn out as I was, it was like I had no purpose in life all of a sudden. I would get up and just wander around, wondering what now? No meds to give, no shots....I was lost and empty. I felt the same thing when my dad died. As relieved as I was that he didn't have to suffer anymore, and as tired as I was, I didn't know what to do. I think we all suffer this in addition to the grief of the loss. It's like our "job" is done, and then there is that horrible feeling that there is nothing left to be done. That all we did didn't save them.

Does anyone else relate to this?

Hugs to all,

Shell

[Paul S]

Hi shell,

Yes, I can relate to that. I cared for my Mom off and on for 10 years. She wasn't an invalid except for late 1995 thru most of 1996, and then not again until 2004 to her death in Nov 2005. (Invalid may be too strong a word for her last year, but I was definitely needed. It was to hard and unsafe for her to be alone, she needed me around in case she fell, or needed things, etc. I think she just liked having someone dote on her. When it was certain that she shouldn't drive anymore, (hearing, vision, reflexes) unlike a lot of little old people she had no problem giving up her license because I was going to be her chauffeur.

I fixed her meals, made certain she got her medications, took her to her doctor's appointments, brought her home from the hospital (until her last stay).

One of the hard things I found after her death was to try to remember the little morning rituals. Her morning habits of the order she would take her meds, fixing her breakfast, her coffee, and so forth. How she liked things done. Of course, that was in part due to the suddeness with which my sister took over the house and started dispensing things to the dumpster, I had no time to 'turn the page' and mourn for a bit in familiar surroundings. But that is in the past and I have new crises to deal with right now, things that I am glad she is not around to see.

Anyway, getting back to what you said, yes, I felt that my 'job was done' and that is why for the next few months (Nov/Dec 05, and Jan 06) I wished I was dead. Not that I would take my life as there was a smidgen of hope that this, too, shall pass; but that God would decide that my mission in life, that my purpose was over and I would join my Mom, and my Dad, and my late sister (the good one)in Heaven. Along with a lot of others that are hopefully Up There that I miss.

So, yes, I too, am relieved that she no longer has to suffer, that she is safe and free from fear and worry and so on. I keep trying to focus on that, because on occasion I get a little anxiety attack when I think of things as if she was still here, about my worries of taking her somewhere and whether she would fall, or be confused... But that's all over.

What to do now? Take care of my life, one day at a time, get through all of the new crises that develop, have faith that God will pull me through, as He did yesterday, a truly awful day, but not a topic for this forum.

I think that our 'job' now is us. (And shell, you still have your Mom to take care of, and all the little furkidlets. In a way, I envy you.)

[Maylissa]

Okay, Shell, you dragged me back online with that one....though just a short reply for now. Of COURSE, and you KNOW, I can relate to all of that! Same thing happened to me with Sabin, even though I had new duties to Nissa at the same time....and I can't tell you the # of times I've been dreading that same reaction with her failure now...never forgot that horrible servicelessness that comes with an ending. Though with my Mom's situation, it was almost a relief in some ways cuz it was so frustrating trying to DO something for her long distance. All the 'good books' and sages tell us that our 'mission' is to serve others, so no wonder our true nature takes such a beating when those acts of love and servitude are abruptly ripped away from us!

[Paul S]

Maylissa said: "All the 'good books' and sages tell us that our 'mission' is to serve others, so no wonder our true nature takes such a beating when those acts of love and servitude are abruptly ripped away from us!"

Now THAT is an intersting take, I didn't consider. Explains a lot. Seems to fit in rather well with what shell and I said and feel.

[shubom]

I always worried about my parents. When I was younger, say 2 or 3, my parents had a hard time making me sleep in my own room. I would get up in the middle of the night and stand in the doorway staring at them. This freaked my mom and dad out because it happened often. Sometimes I think back on that and wonder what in the world was I doing?! LOL It's funny, but then it's also sad. Because they are no longer here for me to check up on. My dad went into the hospital for a minor heart attack and was gone within the next few days. Six years later, my mother dies her sleep, causes unknown. It breaks my heart ! I miss them so much. After my dad died, I worried about my mother like crazy. I took her for medical checkups, etc. I worried when she went out driving, I worried about what she ate, if she was taking her meds. I worried all the time about everything. Sometimes I think I worried too much. But now she's gone, and I'm speechless. I have no mom to call and check up on.

Sometimes all I can think about is being that little girl who was standing in the doorway watching her parents sleep. What was going on in her mind.....?

[Paul S]

I sort of did the same, shubom. I never stood in the doorway staring, (I chuckled at that ) but since I was 5 or 6, whenever they were napping I would stare at their chests to see if they were still breathing.

If that sounds morbid, or just plain wierd, it's because when I went to kindergarten I noticed that everyone else's parents were a lot younger than mine. When I was born, my Dad was 50, and Mom had just turned 47. So, with my warped little mind I assumed that my parent's were going to die soon. That never happened, as Dad died at 83 in Sept. 1995, and Mom at 89 last Nov. But until her last nite, whenever she napped, I would glance at her chest to see if it was still moving up and down.

And then one morning it no longer did.

P.S. So it may seem that I had been prepared for my Mom's (or Dad's)deaths since I was a youngling. No, not really. Although I didn't grieve much over Dad (I was a practicing alcoholic at the time, so I pickled myself) nothing really prepared me for Mom's death. All the anticipatory grieving may have for the actual death, but nothing prepared me for the absence later.

Edited April 27, 2006 by Paul S

[shell]

Hi all (glad to see a post from you Shubom, wondered if everything was ok!),

I have done the "watching their chests to see of they're breathing" thing too! With my parents and my fur babies. I had to laugh when I read that!

Shubom, that's exactly where I'm at now, worrying like crazy about my mom. I do everything for her too, like you and Paul did for your moms, and I think maybe you're right about worrying too much. Only in the sense that I probably am making HER nervous! I just keep thinking if I keep on top of everything that she will live forever...silly, but I just don't want any mistakes that I didn't catch (I don't trust doctors that much, really), if you know what I mean!

When I said, What now?, I meant it in a sort of physical way, if that makes any sense! I just remember that feeling of not knowing what to do with my time once my baby was gone. I think when my dad died I didn't feel it as strongly because I did have my mom and furkids and even my brother (who's older than I am, but I still feel like he's younger than I am...you know men! Sorry, Paul) to take care of, not to mention the zillion legal things to deal with. So I still had things I had to do. And, of course, still have my mom and all to take care of.

Maylissa, GREAT point!

Everyone take care,

Hugs to all,

Shell

[Paul S]

Oh, physical. I walk a lot.

[shubom]

If only she could have lived one more day.....I miss her so much....

I also listened to my dad's snoring every night to make sure he was ok. Sometimes his snoring would scare me because it would be so loud. And then I would watch my mom's chest to see if she was breathing because she didn't snore. I'd get on this worry kick and would check on her everyday before I went to work. I would also check her answering machine just to make sure she didn't get into any car accidents or she was hurt, or whatver. I worried worried worried and I was ok with it, because it was my mom and nothing meant more to me in this world but her. I alreay lost my dad, and she's all I had left.

And now she's gone. I have no one too look after, and I don't think I even want to anymore. My aunt has carpul tunnel and is going in for surgery on Monday. I'm staying with her, and I told her that I'd be able to help her if needed. But I'm having second thoughts. I'm scared of taking on that caring role, and having something happen to them ! I don't think I can bear it.

On another note, I'm doing ok, just busy with work. Trying to take each day slowly. Thanks for checking up on me. At least I know someone out there cares.......

[shell]

Shubom,

Glad everythings ok.

I know how you feel about taking care again. I would always be there, gladly, for someone I loved dearly, of course. But the thing I have found lately is that all sorts of people call me when they need something and I am not that close to them. One of our neighbors who has taken and taken from me for years and not only NOT given anything back, but actually took advantage of me in a terrible way (it involved helping a stray cat that was hurt in the neighborhood...won't go into detail, but for the posters who know me, well, you can imagine!) got throat cancer and now she is cancer free and is now calling me for all sorts of favors! I'm glad she is ok, really, but frankly (and I hope this doesn't sound too cold) I wish she'd leave me alone! And all the others who somehow decided I can help them with every little problem they have. I'm tired. I'm not that close to them and I don't want to help them. There are people I do help and gladly, but you can only spread yourself so thin, especially when you are suffering yourself.

Hugs,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Shell,

Sounds to me like it's time to learn to start saying, "No," lest you make yourself sick, too! Time to start loving yourself as much as you love others by putting up some boundaries, at least for now. The roof won't cave in -- I promise! If you find this too hard, maybe just think of yourself as a larger furbaby, who also deserves some (self-)care!

Shubom,

Yes, good to know you're still around here...I'd been wondering, too! I think we ALL need a rest from care-taking when we're suffering so.

[Paul S]

One of the reasons why I wanted to start that volunteer work on Sundays is so that I can continue to care about someone or something. That aspect of me was triggered these past 10 years by my caring for Mom, and I didn't want to turn that off. It almost seemed like a survival instinct, I didn't want that outlet to go away. I dunno, just me, just different, not better. Sometimes I wished I didn't take the volunteer position. Just how deep can one's emotional tank be? Maybe that's why some don't wish to care again for someone for awhile after a loved one dies, they just can't. Its not being cold, just, can't.

Snoring??? Omigawd, when both my parent's were alive, it was an opera in the house. You could hear them both from anywhere in the place (big Victorian). I used to joke that the neighbors complain, that the seismic people who track California earthquakes picked them up (we're 2,500 mi/4,000km from SoCal). As I got older, I found it a comfort, and also used to just listen to see if they were alright. Now I'd give anything just to hear a snore. I will never complain about that if any future wife has a noisy nocturnal shnozz.

My Mom, such a cute little nose too, where'd it all come from?

[Paul S]

Did Maylissa say that shell is furry in post #11??? ...

My f2f (face-to-face) grief counselor said something a while ago that is sort of relevant to shell's postings about demands being made on her.

Something to the effect that when you are working through this grief sometimes you may have to put up boundaries to protect the creative process. Remember, in all this griefwork, a new person is being created, and other people's interference (whether it is well-meaning or ignorant) may harm it. You may have to just in some fashion, put up a barrier for a certain period, determined by YOU, until you are open for business. He likened it to protecting a little plant that needs tender care to grow. I likened it to pouring a cement floor, you need to let it harden before you can let people walk all over it. Same thing.

Edited April 29, 2006 by Paul S

[shell]

Hahaha, I probably am a little furry at times.

I love both the plant image and the cement floor! Especially the cement floor, that is priceless and good advice. I have a couple friends that I would do anything for, my family, of course, and this board and the people on it. It's just the "users" I'm getting sick of. I guess I'm in one of my burned out moods. But, Maylissa, you would be proud of me. The neighbor who has never, never done anything for me (except call me for favors) called yesterday and wanted to know if my brother or I knew how to fix computers....hers was acting weird. I said "Nope, we don't know anything about that!" Which actually was true, but at one time I would have gone over and tried to help. I actually went over years ago to help her step-father with his computer. He didn't know why his emails weren't getting to people....he wasn't hitting the send button. Even I, the pooter dummy of all time, could help with that one. Anyway, I am going to learn to say no, except to the people who are really important to me.

Hugs,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Way to go, Shell! And always remember, if you start feeling guilty about saying "no", it can be as temporary or as permanent as YOU want, or you can mix it up and do some of each...in the final analysis, I don't think it really matters, as all you have to do is remind yourself of all the times and all the people who said "no" to you. It's just self-care, and that's all, no matter what anyone else tries to make it into. The bonus, I've found, aside from feeling more in control of your own life, is that after you've said "no" to a few people, even once, they're more grateful when you say "yes" at some future date! Then you can chuckle to yourself....like this...hehhehhehheh, and say "I done GOOD for me!"

I, too, liked Paul's analogy of the cement floor...he's really good at those. (hey, Paul - maybe you should write a whole book of your own analogies! ) The part about being walked on is a nice reminder of WHY we should take care of ourselves.

[shell]

Maylissa,

Thanks, I was rather proud of myself too. It is so funny that you should say what you did. I've always said that people who are spoiled, hateful, moody, you get the picture....people are so nervous around them that when they act NICE, it's like a huge gift or something. Everyone falls all over themselves trying to please them. So your idea of saying no and then they will be more grateful when you say yes falls right into that. And you're right, I can say heheheheheeh!

Paul, you have to write something, that's all there is to it! A book on anything!

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Shell

[Paul S]

One thing I have to keep in mind is to try to discern when "putting up boundaries" is a legitimate need for survival or personal development and strengthening and NOT an attempt at isolation.

Isolation...bad. Although I can count on the fingers of both hands and feet how many times I wanted to run away and get lost.

[shell]

Paul,

That is so true. I tend to isolate when I'm upset and have to be careful about that too. Luckily, so far, I seem to only isolate when I'm REALLY burned out and need a break from people. Most of the time, I can cope.

[Paul S]

For some reason today I awakened and got up earlier than usual (post-Mom death) and managed to get my morning routine (Prayer, breakfast, and, umm, other stuff) done early. Had some hours to spend 'frivolously' so, despite gas prices I went for a drive. Nice, bright sunny day, picture postcard perfect.

I live in a rural county in central New York and it has rolling hills and valleys and very nice vistas. Nice place to get away, and be by yourself. Not quite like going away to the mountains, but still, an early morning jaunt around sounded nice. So I drove out and about and stopped at a park and saw for miles and miles.

It was nice. A little melancholy for a bit when I was wandering back to the car, I remember doing the same thing when Mom was alive, although I'd usually wait until she was up and settled in for her day. I felt a little bad, partly because back then I would leave and go for these drives just to escape a bit. That made me feel a little guilty, but a voice inside me said that I deserved from time to time back then to do this, to get out and recharge or refresh.

I miss my Mom, couldn't tell her about the little drive, wondered what she might've said about when she and Dad lived and whether they spent any time around the parts I drove through, and what they did there.

I think I'll head back on out soon, go for another drive before heading to the job.

Well, it's 2 hours later, I'm back from the drive, so I'll just do a 'quick edit'.

I didn't go that far out of town, despite the sun and scenery. "Gas price reality" set in and I realized that I can't go around joy riding. Not that there's much joy to ride.

I went out a ways, turned around and noticed that the route back into town would take me past the cemetary. So I decide to pay Mom and Dad a visit. I doubt anyone's noticed, but I changed my signature to include Dad.

I notice upon arriving that the hostas are doing great. Mom and I planted them a few years ago to replace something that wasn't doing well there. Despite the fact that hostas prefer shade, these guys are doing just incredible in full sun. So well that just last year, my Mom's last time there to help me plant, she had me dig up half of each hosta to transplant back at the house, near the patio. I wonder how they're doing now? I'll never know. The hostas were originally from what is now the 'old' backyard.

In a few weeks I'll put in the plants that Mom would always get for Dad's grave. Just this year I'll be doing it alone, and for her, too. No one to help me, or to tell me what to do and how, despite that I know.

And then it hit me. A full blow grief attack. I cried. I moaned again about how alone I am. I begged God, implored Him to call me home, to be with Mom and Dad. This was for like the 1,000th time since Mom died. He stubbornly refuses to cooperate. Then a crazy thought about how would I be buried? No money! Not that I care, toss me in a garbage bag and haul me away to the county dump for all it matters, it's not like I need a grave for anyone to visit. I can claw my way out of the dump during the Resurrection just as easily as I can from a gravesite. Then I remembered the small inheritance that's coming next month sometime. Enough to have a cheap casket and a funeral very few will attend, and then a small plot, near Mom and Dad if possible, and a bunch of $ left over to pay the Church in gratitude, and the local Hospice. The things one thinks of. Ooops, need a Will to direct all that, so that's on the agenda for next month.

So this is what I do sometimes in the aftermath of a death. I pine away and dream of being with the loved ones. Maybe not exactly on topic, but I just needed to babble on this.

Boy, I miss my Mom. Things were better then. I don't know when I'll ever have a home again. I have a nice place to live now, but its not a home.

I'm 43 years old, a guy, and I'm crying in a cemetary, missing my parents.

Edited May 4, 2006 by Paul S

[shubom]

wow, what was in the air this morning ! Paul, you pretty much hit what I was feeling right on the dot ! and so did Maylissa in another post !

I'm sorry Paul about your mom and dad. I'm doing the same thing also by including them both. I miss them both !

Like you, I feel like I don't have a home either. Sure I stay with my aunt, but it's not the same. Sometimes I often dream of going home. How comfortable I would feel and the familiarity. And then BAM ! It comes with a rude awakening that my mother is GONE! She's not there and so I don't want to go back.

Sometimes I go around wishing and hoping I would leave this place at night when I sleep. But nah of course I find myself in reality every morning.

I've been thinking of a Will too. The one thing my sister and I have is the house. It was bought with my dad's Insurance money, and now maybe paid off with my mother's insurance money. My dad always wanted a big house. Too bad he didn't live to see it. My mother loved the house, but she left too soon to enjoy it. I remembered when I was young, my parents always told me that no matter where I went in life, to know that I always had a home, a place to go back too. They cared so much and wanted us to feel safe. But now I don't even know where home is? It's not that 2-story building of emptiness. It's with them and I can't go! I have no home.

I often think about who we'd will the house too if something happened to both of us. We are both single, no kids. We have no one. I'm so lost.

Sometimes I also want to take that long drive to nowhere, where's it peaceful and quiet. I've also stopped communicating with a lot of my friends. They are not supportive, and often times just add to my grief. I need some time alone just recuperate from the sadness...

I miss my mom and dad so much !

[Paul S]

Hi shubom. I have no advice on what to do about your house. The only thing perhaps relevant is something that I was told in my face-to-face counseling is that no major decisions or actions that are irreversible should be made during the first year. One isn't thinking straight, is too influenced by emotions to make effective decisions, so, if possible, hold off on whatever major decisions, that can't be undone. Like selling the house, for example. Since you haven't lived there long maybe rent it out for the time being? If that's distasteful, maybe in a year or so, sell it and use your share to buy a small condo for yourself. I dunno. A Will is safely advised to be a good thing, now that you have a house. (notice I'm giving advice even tho I said I have none )

I am trying to work with the idea that not having a home is just another way of saying that I am free and have the liberty to relocate. Where, I dunno. It all depends on the job situation I'm working on, and how well I cope with living in this town and NOT be living at my Mom's house, and a decision to wait until next Spring to leave, if I decide to. If I get this nice job I've applied for (gov't job, so it might not happen till summer) then I may just move to another part of the county. Waiting until Spring to leave is tied in with that waiting one year for major decisions, plus toss in another Winter cuz I don't wanna move during one. (Also, May 2007 would mark 5 years sober, and I want to get my 5th year medallion from the local AA. It would mean more.)

I don't know what was in the air yesterday morning, but I'm glad it helped.

[shubom]

Paul, thanks for the advice about the house It's the same thing my sister thinks we should do. Wait for a year, and then decide. Which is different from how I felt at first. When my mom first died, I went straight home, got boxes and started throwing away everything in my room. I tore down all my posters...pictures I drew, got rid of all my trinklets, even threw a lot of clothes away. I just hated myself and didn't want anything that reminded me of my past life. I wanted to erase my identity. Eventually I got so tired, and fell to the floor crying. I was a basketcase for a few days after that, so I wasn't able to finish tearing up my room. The funny thing is, when I look at my room now, 5 months later, it's still empty and looks as if I was moving out. And you know what, I miss my old room.

I don't know. Grief makes you do the most craziest things !

Congratulations on being sober for almost 5 years ! That's really good ! Good Luck on getting the job.

And I know what you mean about willing to relocate. I think about that alot. Sometimes I just want to pack and go and move somewhere. But where?!

I don't know. When my father first died a few years back, I wanted to leave this place, but my mom wouldn't. And now that she's gone, now I don't want to leave. I don't understand why? Maybe I'm more afraid now that I was before....I don't know....ugh ! It drives me crazy.

[Paul S]

Heya shubom!

Willingness to relocate may just be a desire to flee from the pain of grief. But you take it with you. I am not sure I will actually leave, who would then take care of my Mom and Dad's cemetary site? Although that is not a great excuse to stay, I still have that emotional attachment to the gravesite. I don't want it overgrown with weeds, and have people go "Tsk, tsk, see how they've been forgotten!"

I don't know, if I feel compelled, I may leave, but as you say, to where? I'm used to this area. Although I may leave my hometown, I may just move to another part of the county. We'll see.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I to looked after both my mom and dad until their deaths last year.. I remember working eight hours a day and than going to the hospital for another two hours and sitting with my mom.. I did this for at least two weeks until she was let out. Then I would do the eight hours and than come home and sit with her until I went to bed each night... I did this for as long as I can remember... With my dad it was not as long it was only from April 2005 until the day he died August 25, 2005... I hope this helps someone take care Shelley

[Paul S]

Hi shelley,

I reviewed the postings on this topic going wayback to when it started. I think the thing to do now is you have to do something to take care of yourself. Whether it is something physical like shell said at first, or going for long walks or drives like I did (I know you can't drive yet), but something to 'clean the pipes'.

Shell had said that being a caregiver was physically and psychologically draining and so now what do we do? Even if you were in anticipatory grief (knowing that a loved one is dying, so the grievieng process has started for you) that is emotionally draining on many levels. You had been caregiving your parents and then sitting with them in a hospital. So, now what do you do to fill up your tanks?

Paul