shubom

so...I just learned that my grandfather passed away today. I feel so numb. I lost my mother 3 years ago on Jan 11th, and when I learned my grandfather was in the hospital last night, I almost fainted. It was just last week my grandmother was in the hospital sick for 2 weeks and my grandfather wanted to see her everyday, but he couldn't. All I could remember was him putting his hand out to hold her hand. Such a thought makes me sick when I think about it ! I'm so pissed ! And numb. I don't even want to think about it. This is horrible. My grandmother lost her son (my father - 1999), her daughter in law (my mother - 2006), her twin sister (2008), and now her husband (2009). I'm just sick of this crap ! Sorry to blow up like that, but I feel so numb right now. I don't even know how to feel. I'm lost....... Thanks for listening.

It's been a long time since I've been on this site. I lost my father, 47, in 1999 from heart attack. And then my mom, 56, Jan 2006, unknown causes. Just came home and found her on the couch. Feel like I've been dealing with these loses my whole life. I really miss my parents. Earlier this year, my grandmother's twin sister died, 78, of organ failure. And now my grandmother is sick !!! I'm so sad. I feel like crying. There are times when I can't eat, can't sleep, then other times, I find myself binging and sleeping for hours on end ! This is just horrible ! They don't know what's wrong and they are trying to do everything they can and not go into surgery. She's been in the hospital beginning this week, and I've only visited her once. I just just just can't get up enough nerve, to see her suffering and I can't do anything about it ! I considered myself so lucky after I lost my mother that I didn't just go into a mental institution. My grandmother helped me stay afloat. You know, we weren't that close before, but after she lost her son (my father) and then her daughter in law (my mother), she really took it upon her shoulders to make sure her granddaughters made it through ok. And now she's suffering ! I'm so afraid, I don't know what they are going to do. I call her every morning and every morning she sounds the same, with not much improvement. I guess she had a stomach surgery a few years ago and its one of the common side effects for the stomach to clog up. So she hasn't eaten nothing since Monday and all she does is throw up. They put a tube down to unclog it, and it worked, but she still throws up. I'm so sad. I can't stand another loss !!! My family can't stand another loss !!! And I know she really misses her twin. 78 years together ! My grandmother's twin's side of the family fell apart after her death, and I'm afraid to think what will happen to our side ! I call my grandmother every day, but I just can't work up enough nerve to go visit her. I feel I might go mental case. I already call around to other family members very frantic to get updates, but of course they are not doctors and don' t know the details, so then I call up my grandmother and feel like I'm drilling her. I feel like I'm going to scare her. So I try to keep the conversation mellow. I don't know ! I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just feel like I'm talking in circles and don't know how to act. Thanks for listening everyone !!! Any advice appreciated ! I hope she gets better ! Thanks

Thanks for your advice. And you are right. No one knows me better than I do. Today is my Great-Aunt's wake, and I'm more than likely not going to go. It will be at the same place my mom's was, and the painful memories and feelings are still raw.....picking out the casket.....crying like crazy......and all eyes staring at us..... Ugh....thinking about it just gives me the creeps!!! I hated every moment of that horrible crappy time. I told my grandmother yesterday, and she understands. I feel really bad, but I want to make sure I don't have a nervous breakdown. The funeral is tomorrow at an unfamiliar place, so it'll be better for me. That's about all I can say right now........ I'm crying so much, I miss my mom.

Cindi, sorry for the loss of your mom. I remember when my dad first died, and how horrible it was for my mom. I felt so bad for her, myself, my dad, my family. It was horrible. I tried my best to take care of her. Both of my parents loved Vegas. We tried to continue the family vacation afterwards but it was hell, and we ended up never going back. My mom passed away 2 years ago, and the first year was very painful. She was my best friend. I too couldn't get out of bed and go to work. If it wasn't for my Grandmother and my aunt, who knows where I would have ended up. It still hurts now, but I try my best to allow myself to feel those pains. To be sad when I'm sad, and to be happy when I'm happy. That way I'm not confused on my emotions. I figure I still have to live here in this world. Why not make the best of it. I still have to deal with these everyday issues, just like everyone else. So I cannot allow myself to fall between the cracks. It would break my mom's heart, and everything she worked for would be gone. Just give it time, and it'll get better. And it's ok to feel those feelings. Just give yourself time. I hope this helps. No one can replace mom's love.....

Sorry to hear about your mom. It just brings tears to my eyes, picturing her singing to you for your b-day. My mom passed 2 years ago, and it's been really rough. I have dreams about her every now and then. Most of dreams come from the house I grew up in. Probably because that's where I was the happiest when my both my parents were alive. I have been studying dreams. And I know that we dream every night, but it's just that we cannot remember when we wake up. So Awareness, Concentration, Meditation, will help you become more focused, and can possibly help you remember your dreams. This is what's worked for me. I hope this helps. Take Cares and stay strong.

Thanks for all your support. My Great aunt passed away last night at 11pm. It's been really tough. I stopped visiting her last Saturday because I was having panic and anxiety attacks with memories of my own parents. It was horrible. I was afraid to drive and the closer I got to the hospital the worst it got. And the thought of her passing when I was there, brought memories of finding my mom's body. I just couldn't bare it. I felt really guilty, but I had to take a breather for a few days. I called other family members to check on them. Now, she's gone and I'm really sad. I'm really nervous seeing everyone and going to the funeral. It was so tough with my mom I just don't know. I'm going to try my best to relax and hopefully the panicking will subside. There's a new grief group starting next month. I'm going to go again. It helps to talk to others. Thanks for your support here on the board.

After reading these messages, has brought up just sad memories of my mom. I came home from work, found her on the couch not breathing. Pulled her off to give her CPR. Everything was cold, except for her body. I felt sick. I called 911, went outside and just sat in the garage until help came. I couldn't bare to look at her anymore. At the funeral home, I didn't want to go in. But my aunt and grandmother helped me through. And when I saw my mom......she was beautiful. She was my mom, and I felt this warmth, even though she was gone. And right then and there I didn't want to leave her side. I stayed and stayed until they put her into the ground. She was still my mom, body and all. I know exactly what you were feeling. I miss my mom dearly. And oftentimes I do think of her body there all alone, in the ground, on top of my fathers. It drove me crazy for months after her death. It's hard to deal with. Right now, she doesn't have a headstone, just my fathers. It sickens me and makes me sad. That day was the most horrible of horrilbe.

I believe in signs too. I got them when my dad and mom passed away. Mostly through dreams and strong sensations. Sometimes my mind has a way of brushing it off, just because. But no, when I think about it, they were definite signs. I know what the difference is between real and no real. I believe in signs. Just have to be aware.

I haven't written in a long time. I lost my dad, 47, a few year ago, and my mom, 56, in Jan of 2006. Never got to say goodbye. They died unexpectedly. It's been a hard rode. Um...I'm writing because my Great Aunt ( My Grandmother's twin sister) is in the hospital, sick, in her last days. Her body is shutting down, she's not coherent at all. I visited her 3 days ago, and she did open her eyes and smile at me. But now, nothing. They called the family together last night to the hospital to pray. It's been really difficult. All the thoughts and emotions of the hell I went through after losing my parents is coming back in one gigantic freaking mountain collapsing. I can't eat, sleep. I'm nervous, shaky. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking, screaming. Last night I went to the cemetary and yelled at my parents. Seeing my great aunt like that, and then watching other family members crumble, just hurts. I can't bear it to think that they are going through what I went through losing my parents. And now we are losing another family member. My great Aunt is 78, just like her twin sister (my grandmother). My step grandfather is 81. So is it just going to be one big ripple effect?! I'm so afraid. My grandmother was there for me when I lost my parents. Is this what I'm looking forward to. I just attended the funeral of my best friend's grandmother. It's been so sad and stressful. I'm freaking out. Any advice from anyone? I can't bear all this death!

No one, family or friends mentioned my parents this holiday season. It's been 8 years since my father passed, and 2 years since my mother passed. This Holiday season was a little better. I mean, I felt better enough to at least buy a singing snowman, but not hang up house lights. Still sad time. No presents, except for the exchanges between me and my sibling. And even that was sad, since there's only 2 of us now. We felt like robots giving each other presents, like it was mechanical with no spirit. You know? I miss them dearly. No one asked. No one cares or remembers but us

I know what you mean. The same thing with my sibling. When my mother passed, she had her boyfriend there to help her out. Me, I had no one. So she always seemed in control of her feelings and stuff. While I was throwing tantrums in my mom's bedroom in the middle of the night, she and her boyfriend had to come in and help me. I was a basketcase. But she didn't cry or anything. So I always thought she was stronger than me. I felt like I was the one going crazy ! Well, it's been about 2 years now. We hardly talk about my mom's death, so I assume we are both ok. Well, about a week ago, our next door neighbor who had cancer for about a year, passed away. She was my mom's good friend. She was married with 3 kids, 18 and under. My sibling felt so bad, she cried and cried. When I came home, I noticed her eyes were red. I asked if she was ok. Then she started crying about my mom. I was sort of shocked because she hadn't really done that before. It made me scared about what else does she keep in. You know? When my dad passed away 10 yrs ago, I sought counseling, which helped me. So I knew what to do about my mother. I realize now that people grieve differently, and not only that, maybe it's better than we are all not breaking down at the same time. Maybe she had to keep strong for me, and maybe now it's my turn. That's my speculation. I probably wouldn't ask her though, because she probably did grieve, just different from me. I really miss my mom.

Thank you so much. Chuckles1984, you said a lot of things I hadn't even thought about. Like about life being really simple before, until it was thrown into a blender. That really puts a visual effect on how I'm feeling. And then grief as being a mental virus. Thats exactly what it feels like. The mental virus comes up every now and then, and you try to control it, but you can't. Seems like time is the only thing that can ease the pain. I also like the idea of having choices and options, and just taking the time to relax and deal with the grief and just wait. Yeah, perfect example. I met this guy at a Network Marketing event. Every time I saw him, we talked. However, a few times I couldn't come. He literally had the nerve to yell at me in an email about missing an opportunity, my life, etc. I just ignored it. I didn't know what else to say.....ugh.....my mom passed away, I have a mortgage that's sky high, working 2 jobs, staying busy so I don't feel alone, etc. It's just tough. You don't want to tell someone because you think they'll alienate you, but at the same time, when you don't tell them, they assume certain things. So I don't know. I usually just play it by ear, and when the time is right, I say something. Yes, it would be easier to date someone who understood.

Thank You Everyone for your words of encouragement. Sorry to hear about your losses and what you are all going through. I'm glad I can come here for support. I feel like I'm so lost. None of my family members talk about my mom anymore, and when I start to, then say I'm being 'negative'. Or whatever they want to call it. I just need someone to understand. I feel extremely frustrated. Yesterday I went to a baby shower and it was ok. But you know..... I started reflecting on my situation and started feeling bad for myself. And since it was coed, everyone there brought their significan other and babies. I spent the whole night comparing myself, asking why not me? I don't want to feel desperate. But it feels like 'time' is closing in on me. I don't know. I just want my mom back. When she was here, things were simple, and all I wanted was to spend my whole life with her. When she lost my father 8 years ago, she was miserable. I cared for her. We became really close. And now, I can almost see how she could have felt. Just the thought of not having someone there in your 'old' age. It's unbearable. I try to take it day by day, as it comes. I want to focus on the things that make me happy and live my life the best way I can. Thanks Shell for your words of encouragement and validation of my feelings. Thanks for listening to me. I haven't been to a grief group in a long time or even have 1 person I can spill my feelings to. So I'm glad I can post here. I know this is not a counseling dating service. But I just feel like my feelings are stemming from the grief. It all seems to be a part of it, and it's hard to separate, since my life has changed COMPLETELY. I hope someday Chuckles1984.....that we will be able to feel like ourselves again. We just need to hang in there. Thanks Haley, I would love to see the poem. Again, thank you all for listening and sharing.

Hello Everyone, It's been a long time since I've logged on. My mother passed away Jan 06 without warning. I still can't believe it. My dad passed away in 1999 without warning also. I miss them both very much. I've learned to move on with my life. And mostly it's gotten better. However I still feel broken. I'm 31 now, but I don't feel like it. I feel older. What hurts is that I don't have the motivation and fiery drive like I did when I was younger. Years after my dad passed, I was able to get 80% of my drive back. Still didn't feel like my 'true' self. But I was happy with my mom and my sister. We were so close, doing everything together. Then BAM!!! my mom passes. Now my drive is slowly at a standstill about 50%. I do what I can to stay afloat. Try to stay busy. I feel like I'm getting stronger everyday, but there are those hard times. Earlier this year, my sister got married. I was so happy for her. But at the same time, sad. Sad that my parents couldn't be there, and since I was the oldest, I had to be the one to see her off. And ever since then, I've been worried about my life. When I will meet someone and have a family of my own. I'm becoming so desperate. Hearing about friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies, just bums me out. I don't want to attend any of the functions or even hear about them. I mean, I'm really happy for them, but that's good for them. While they are gaining family members, I'm losing them ! It's sad. Is it normal thinking like that?!

Hi Everyone, Thanks for the support. I just can't stop crying. I no longer stay with my aunt. It took a while, but I was finally able to move back home and feel comfortable again. My sister and her boyfriend moved back in to, and we all lived together. Everything was going really good. I didn't feel so lonely coming home. But then yesterday my sister's boyfriend got picked up by INS and has been detained. We don't know what's going to happen to him. He was on a student visa. It's horrible. I couldn't sleep last night. It was just me and my sister in the house, and it felt like the day after my mom died all over again. It was sad and lonely. He's been with our family for 2 years now. From day 1 after my mom passed, he's been there helping out. He was there when all I could do was think about dying. He mediated arguments between me and my sister. He kept us from literally "LOSING IT" ! Now I have images of him being deported out, lonely house, and then my sister moving to another continent to be with him, and leaving me all ALONE. All I can do is wish my mom was here. We were supose to stick together ! She wasn't suppose to die and leave me ! I don't know how much more I can take. My sister has been the stronger one, but now I'm afraid she'll crack because of the situation. And there's no way I can hold her up and me too. I just can't do it The crap just doesn't stop !

Today marks the 1 year Anniversity of the loss of my mom. I'm so sad I've been in a daze this whole year, and couldn't remember the exact date, I just knew it was sometime early January. Maybe I was trying to forget. However, A few friends called saying they were sorry and had me in their prayers. This reminded me and screwed my whole day. I've been extremely sad ever since, constantly thinking of the day last year when I came home and saw her dead on her favorite couch. I hate that couch and want to throw it out, but I know she loved it. I miss her so much, and I'm so sad. I just can't believe she's gone. She was my best friend. I don't know what to say.....just thought I'd share thoughts......I can't believe it's been a whole YEAR!!! It seems unreal. I miss her.....

Thanks Everyone for your kind words and suggestions. Sorry for your loss. Yes, I do remember after it happened, desperately needing a friend, someone who understood and could talk to. I guess it's been so painful, that I've blocked everything out. It is difficult to help someone and when I'm feeling helpless myself. People grieve differently and it's hard to know what to say. I agree, it sucks getting knocked back, when you are trying to move forward. Sometimes I don't know if I'm really dealing with my grief, or just blowing past it. I wish 10, 20, or more yrs would fly by so it wouldn't hurt so much. But the more years, the more good memories fade HOw horrible. I was talking to a classmate of mine about visiting my mom's relatives in another country. Before I knew it, I started crying. My classmate just stared at me and didn't say a word. I apologized, recomposed myself, and continued to talk. But then about 5 minutes later, I noticed tears dropping from her eyes. I was shocked, and thought, Oh No, I made her cry. Just then I realized how powerful tears can be, and how they can take the place of words. I'm making a conscious effort to at least ask my co-worker how he's doing everyday. Sometimes I just want to shut the situation out, because it's so painful. I remember when it first happened for me, I didn't want anybody talking to me. I'd rather they had left me alone in my cubicle. But then when they didn't talk to me, I felt like they didn't care. It was a catch-22 ! Which makes the grieving process complicated.

I didn't know exactly where to post this.....but I think maybe here. It'll be a year in January since I lost my mom. The very thought still sickens me and I try not to obsess over the details. I want to try my best to move on. Christmas time was hard for me. I was ok, taking each day slow. But then, something terrible happened to a co-worker of mine. His son died of possible overdose. It was devastating, and I felt so bad for his whole family. It happened over the weekend, and he came to work Monday. The horror, the look on his face, reminded me of the feelings I had when when my mom died. It was devestating to watch him and soon after I started trembling, and had to take the rest of the day off. I couldn't think straight, I just felt so bad. The feelings for my mom resurfaced. I was literally shaken up for days after. He's back at work now and I have no idea what to say. I asked him how he was doing, but then I started crying, and had to look away. Death is hard, no matter who it is. It's just so sad

Hello, it's been a very long time since I posted. My mother died in Jan of this year, and it's been extremely difficult. I thought I'd be able to handle the holidays, but I was wrong. All I can remember is this time last year, my mom was here. Reruns of the event play over and over again in my mind. I remember our family praying for us to be together another year. And look what's happened. I try to brush it off like nothing. But my friends keep callng me inviting me over for dinner. This brings the reality of the situation alive again ! IT makes me REALIZE I have no where to go for the holidays. I came home today looking for plastic cups. I went through the cupboards complaining to myself that my mom always made sure we were stocked. Then it hit me like a rock, WHY am I complaining as if she is here and can fix it ! I guess I just want to see her stuff that she bought for us in the cabinets. Maybe deep down I hope she'll come back ! It's horrible. I don't think I can do this. For the past 2 years, our home has been a safe haven for many of our friends through the holidays, because they had no where to go and because we lost our father and had to organize a new tradition without him. We were finally able to get things right, and now my mom is gone. Everything IS ALL WRONG !!! Please, some advise on how to get through this horrible horrible time. I would like to hear others stories.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had. I woke up with this eerie sensation that my parents were gone. I don't know if I dreamed about them or what, but when I woke up, I felt scared and cried for an hour. I'm not use to being without them. They've always been with me. I felt like a baby wanted to be held.....touched.....by my mommy and daddy.....and they were nowhere to be found ! The pain was excruiciating. No one was home who could comfort me, and I had no one to call. I felt so ALONE. It was 1 am and I felt like jumping in my car and driving far far away ! Today was a hard day at work, and I had a stress/grief headache that wouldn't go away. Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself sick ! But I don't know what to do. I miss them so much !

It's been a long time since I've visited the boards. I lost my mother in January of this year and it's been really difficult. I feel so lost sometimes. I try to take it one day at a time, but there are moments where I can't stop crying. Sometimes I get this overwhelming notion that maybe I'm moving on without her, like she's no longer part of my life, and that hurts the most ! I miss her ! Last night I had a dream that both my parents were alive and we were chatting. I wasn't aware they were gone, so I started asking hypothetical questions. I began with, "What if you are no longer here, what do you want me to do with my life?" "What about your furniture, what should I do with that?" On and on I shot the questions at them, but all they did was smile and didn't say a word ! It was heart wretching and I woke up crying. My dad died 6 years ago, at 47 yrs, and ever since then I took care of my mom. She was my best-friend, she was my life. And now that she's gone, I'm lost. I'm 30, single, no kids and an orphan. I'm having a terrible day, and I can't stop crying ! I'm scared..... Where's my mom.....my dad?

Thanks Everyone for all your support and encouragement to carry on this "Celebration of My Life" Birthday Party. Your invited.....you know.....you just have to find your way out here ! LOL Thanks tattoodlb, I agree. I feel my parents are still with me, in my heart, and I will definitely bring that out at the party with the slideshow and the cooking, etc. I was going through my old photo albums to create a slideshow. It was very hard seeing the changes our family has taken. It's sad. There's pictures of me as a little girl, and I just think how sad that little girl lost her mom and dad. I also see younger photos of my mom, and it makes me sick to see how she aged quickly when my dad passed. There are some good pictures that make me smile. Like my high school and college graduation. My parents were so happy back then. I also think about how great it is to see how they raised me, and how I turned out. It's definitely a Celebration of Life - this Birthday. Thanks KelleyMarie for your encouragement on the slide show. Your story about your dear Josh and the photo you submitted to the slideshow brings tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for your loss. That had to be really difficult. But I'm glad you did it anyways. Josh would have loved that. I will definitely try my best to do the same. Lori, I understand what you are going through. My mom had planned a dinner on her birthday and then she passed away about 3 weeks before. It was horrible. We had a b-day party in her honour anyways, and it was not so bad. It was hard at first hearing people say, "So...I heard your mom is having a b-day party". It would flip me out, until I realized, oh ya she's gone. It was sad, but I'm glad we did it. Yes, Birthdays... Holidays, all that is hard without your loved ones. It just feels like it sucks so bad for me. My father had just passed 6 years ago, and now my mother? It's like we barely started getting our lives back on track and having normal Holidays. My mom and sibbling, and I opened our home to other friends and individuals who didn't have family in town. We invited them over for Christmas and thanksgiving and BBQs. They loved it and it made us feel good and we as a family felt whole again. And now what?! My mom dies. Now we have to come up with other traditions to stay sane during the holidays. It's ridiculous. I'm very sad, but I'm going to try my best to carry out this Birthday Party as best I can. It's my 30th ! And it means a lot to me to dedicate it to my parents. They made me who I am today. Thanks all for listening.

It's been about 6 months since I came home from work and found my mom on the couch. I can't believe she's gone. Taken so suddenly! I miss her so much! My 30th B-day is coming up next month, and I can't bare it. Thinking about it, makes me want to throw up. The memories.... I remember my mom would spend the whole day telling stories about her pregnancy with me and the day I was born. I use to love to hear those stories. They were pleasant...... and now I can't hear them anymore..... My Dads gone.....now my Mom.....this is sickening. I'm turning 30 and they are not here for the most important milestone in my life! At first I wasn't going to do anything for my B-day. I wanted to go to the gravesite and sit doing absolutely nothing. But then it occurred to me, maybe I should have a get-together/party, and pay tribute to them, and what they've done for me. I thought about putting together a slide show with pictures of me and them from childbirth till now. I wanted to cook my mother's favorite dishes that she'd make for us and also have it at our house where she passed. That way it would seem like she's a part of my special day. For the past week, I've been planning, but now I'm starting to feel anxiety.......I just don't know how I'll make it through.............. How did you deal with your 1st B-day without your parent/loved one?

Wow.....that was amazing.....I want to send it to my sis......WE BOTH MISS OUR MOM !!!

Thank You Lori, I lost my dad 6 yrs ago, and my mom .....gee how long has it been.....? ......6 months?! I can't believe it. I want time to go by fast, so the pain can lessen, but then again I don't, because I don't want to forget my mom and the things we did. Either way I lose ! Well anyways, I was trying to say Thank You for thinking of us on Father's Day. It's going to be extremely hard this year without my mom here. We use to go and take flowers to my dad's gave. Now I'll be bringing flowers to both of them. sucks. A friend made a comment today that almost took me out. She invited me over for her son's b-day party. And when I asked when it was, she said, "On Father's Day". She must have seen the horrible and disgust look on my face so she quickly changed the subject. I'm glad she did, because my next response would have been, "Gee, do you really think I know when that is?!" I don't know when Father's Day is, nor do I care at this point. It's hard enough seeing all the adverstisements......it's just hard........