Still haven’t been able to grieve

[Kristi21]

Hi my name is Kristi, I’m new to doing something like this.  I lost my 14 yr old daughter about 2.5 yrs ago suddenly in a hiking accident of heat exhaustion. She was with my mother, my mother found her passed out laying next to her car already turning blue they did CPR for 45mins without results. My mother blames herself and has a very hard time living herself. Now it’s holiday time and things of course get worse now.   I have not properly done any grieving, I had to come back and  immediately go back to work, take care of my two boys one is now 19 and the other just turn 14. My ex-husband was a complete mess and so I had to push everything aside so that I could take care of arrangements because she had passed another state and we had to wrap things up quickly. I have tried to reach out  to other support groups but like a grief center told me is my case is unique and rare. Most of these support groups are miscarriages very young infants or older adult children that have passed away due to motor vehicle accidents or overdoses. I have not found anyone that has a situation like mine  that can help me or listen to my situation. I  still think about her constantly she was the spitting image of me. My oldest child pushes it aside doesn’t wanna talk about it doesn’t want to deal with it and my youngest went to counseling for a while but still he does have his moments and him and I do you talk about her but I know they’re still a lot of things he needs to deal with. And I don’t know how to help my mother cope with the image of my daughter laying there and her to be the 1st and only one that found her.  Another thing that I have a difficult time with is my best friends since the third grade has a daughter that is six months older than my daughter and they were best friends even went to school together and now that my friends daughter is going through these milestones 16 and driving her graduation will be next year dances prom I have A horrible time coping she includes me and all of these things and I have such mixed feelings I enjoyed that she wants me to be part of this but again all I can think about is this should be my daughter my daughter should be having this milestone right now but it is the hardest absolute hardest thing that I have to do. 

[MartyT]

Kristi, my dear, I cannot imagine a more horrible way to lose a child, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. I'm so sorry that when you've reached out to others, you've been unable to find the support you need and deserve. As I've indicated elsewhere, I do hope that you will contact The Compassionate Friends to see if there is a local chapter near you. According to its mission statement, When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.

17 hours ago, Kristi21 said:

And I don’t know how to help my mother cope with the image of my daughter laying there and her to be the 1st and only one that found her.

I imagine that, for your mother, this experience was beyond horrific. Discovering her granddaughter as she lay dying has left her not only with profound and pervasive grief, but also with the sort of indelible and intrusive memories that happen in people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). She would do well to find a therapist who specializes in trauma-informed grief therapy ~ someone with the tools to help her cope with and rid herself of this repeated nightmare. 

17 hours ago, Kristi21 said:

I have A horrible time coping she includes me and all of these things and I have such mixed feelings I enjoyed that she wants me to be part of this but again all I can think about is this should be my daughter my daughter should be having this milestone right now but it is the hardest absolute hardest thing that I have to do. 

Your having "mixed feelings" about this is completely understandable, Kristi, and it helps to know that feelings are not the same as facts. Finding it hard to enjoy and participate in the milestone events your friend's daughter enjoys does not mean that you wish her ill or that you cannot feel happy for her, even as your own heart is broken and longs to see such milestones for your own child who has died. See, for example, this article about ambivalence: In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy

I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here to us, but so grateful that you've found your way here. You are not alone. We will walk with you and share in your sorrow as you continue on this path. ♥️

[kayc]

Oh Hon, I can imagine this is the worst horror one can imagine themselves not waking up from.  I've lost my sweet husband, all too young, parents, grandparents, a sister this year, close friends, pets, and as you mentioned, three very wanted pregnancies.  I also lost a stepson not to death but it was hard because I didn't know how he was and I worried about him...he was three and I'd cared for him since he was born.  I lost a nearly two year old niece, and a three year old nephew that was living with us.

To lose your child at any age is hard, but as you say, to raise a child to this age and then lose them and notice all of the milestones they should be having, that's hard.  For years after Courtney died (nearly 2) my little sister would think "she should be starting school", "she should be going to prom" etc. 

I want to recommend that you get grief counseling from a professional grief counselor, I just don't think there's any substitute.  It could take trying two or three to get the one you resonate with, but it can be so worth the effort!  They are trained to help you through this maze of grief.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

There are countless books on grief that can also help.  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/grief-bibliography_21.html
And I also want to recommend https://whatsyourgrief.com/ where you can sign up for emails with articles that are helpful, they send me one every Wednesday.

Meanwhile, it's good to post your thoughts and feelings, and know you're in a place where you're heard and understood, it can feel validating...to your very valid feelings.  Sending you a big hug!