Grief seems to make people worse

[Clematis]

Grief sure seems to make a lot of people worse...more narcissistic, more crazy, more of whatever they are. I had a friend named Wayne, who was a gifted ceramicist and painter. He was also a fighter pilot in Vietnam and the agent orange and jet fuel exposure he got from decades flying and training pilots caught up with him via cancer, and the second bout killed him in early Dec 2018. He was a sweetheart of a man and had many friends. After his military retirement he devoted himself to art and was very prolific. He had a ceramic studio in a trailer he owned, took classes at the community college, and was very involved in many aspects of the art community. He was also very active at the community rec center, where he exercised regularly. He was friendly, kind, generous, and many people loved him. It was heartbreaking to us all to see him decline suddenly and die.

I met Wayne at the community college in ceramics classes, and also saw him at the rec center, and we talked about all kinds of things when we saw each other and texted when we didn't. I loved him, as did a lot of people. At the college, there is a clique of middle aged and older women who have been working in clay for a long time. They socialize together to the exclusion of "new" women artists, but draw in new men, and seem to fawn on them. This sort of thing exists all over the place. You know what I mean...

So this group is like a little bully clique at the college. The classes have beginning, intermediate, and advanced students all together, and so there are students who have been there for many years, who work on their own thing, socialize, and sometimes help the less experienced. The man who has taught ceramics at the college for many years - let's call him Tim - has tolerated the bullying in his class for the six years I have been involved there - and no doubt before that. I try to keep my head down, work on my projects, and stay out of their way, which is difficult, because they make demeaning comments and literally push people out of their way. They seem to see themselves as a "top tier" of privileged students who can boss and demean the rest. I usually do hand-building, but decided to give the wheel another try this semester because there is a new teacher, who is an amiable young man who is quite skilled. While Tim has been impatient with my repeated attempts to try to learn on the wheel, the new teacher has tried hard to derive ways to teach me what has alluded me. This is great, but it has been frustrating. Since I am rather relentless, I keep at it on the wheel. Meanwhile, the bullying has intensified in the presence of the new young teacher and since Wayne's death.

Wayne had tons of stuff related to clay...finished wares, partially finished wares, clay, tools, glazes, chemicals, kilns, wheels, and so on. Apparently the same is true with his painting things. His  son said at his memorial that he really wanted to give as much os Wayne's tools, wares, and so on to Wayne's friends. He as asked repeatedly didn't he want to be paid or have the money to to something, and the son kept insisting that he believed his dad would have loved his pieces and tools go to his friends and people who loved him and his work. But the bully clique descended and things got ugly. The son was in town early this week and the word went around the clique in whispers. I heard this and contacted his son, who encouraged me to come out to the trailer and he would give me a few or Wayne's pieces, which I did. When I got there the whole bully clique was there and they were nasty. One greeted me with, "did you come to pick or help?" I tried to avoid them and talk to his son and look at the trailer and it's contents, which was overwhelming, even after two days of it being picked over and hauled off. These women decided that that they should get all of the stuff together and sell it, and set up a scholarship in Wayne's name at the college. I had heard about this at the college and that they had tried to badger anyone who had anything of Wayne's to pay them for it.

So, out at the trailer I talked to his son privately, about his dad, his work, and so on. He offered me some pieces and several times came over to me with a bowl or mugs I hadn't seen, asking me if I would like them. I ended up with four bowls, three mugs and a couple of other odd pieces. When I was walking to the car one of these women was following me, yelling my name. I ignored her, but she pursued me to my car where I couldn't avoid her anymore. She told me, "if you took anything you need to pay for it" and explained what they were doing. I told her that Wayne's son had been very clear about his wishes and how he felt about his father. She went on some thing about how the scholarship was taking things "full circle" and didn't I want things to go full circle. I ignored her and went back to the son, asking him if he wanted me to pay him or these women. He said, "No, no, I want you to have them and it is not my intention for you to pay for them". I told him what this woman had said and he said, "WHO said that?" I told him and he told me to take and enjoy the pieces. So I did.

Later in the day I called the college and talked to the dean about the bully pack and their horrible behavior in class. The physical intimidation, pushing, demeaning comments that go on right in front of the teacher...it has been hard to go into class knowing I will face that, and I don't think the college wants that to go on. I told her six or so of the more flagrant things, including one woman who has shoved, dragged me along with her as she walked rather than walking around me. She has also pressed up against me in a group because she wanted the spot where I was and I couldn't move other because other people were standing in a tight group listening to the teacher. So she would stand there, pressed up against me, so I could feel her breast and whatnot against me. Ewww... I have not been silent in class, but protest, with no impact. She also goes up to the sink when I am using it and puts a bucket between the spigot and my hands to fill it, and if I say anything says, "I am just taking your runoff", which of course would be below my hands and not above. Another woman was particularly nasty to me one day (the same one who chased me to my car) and I said to her, "do you have kids?" "Yes, she said". I then asked her, "do you know I'm not one of them?" "Yes", she said. "That's good!" I said cheerfully and with enthusiasm.

So, none of this had had any impact, which is why I went to the dean. She was sympathetic and understanding, saying that the new teacher was an adjunct faculty and probably felt uncertain about how to handle the situation, which he had really inherited from Tim. She also said that she had taken a class with Tim a year or so ago, and had been bullied in Tim's class in front of Tim, even though she was the dean. She said she would talk to him and possibly pay a visit to the class. I was late to class yesterday because I work two hours away and sometimes it's hard to get out early. When I got to class, the teacher seemed to be a little tense but didn't say anything - just body language, like a tensed jaw. The class seemed subdued, everyone was very polite, no one was pushing anyone else around, and the three of them didn't say a word to me. That was good.

I know this was kind of long, but it seems so typical in a way, of how grief intensifies dysfunction and how people can get into the most awful behaviors struggling over the stuff that a deceased person owned. It is insensitive to the bereaved and disrespectful to the deceased person, whom they supposedly loved so much.

[kayc]

Wow, all I can say is wow.

[Clematis]

On 2/16/2019 at 6:04 AM, kayc said:

Wow, all I can say is wow.

My sister teaches art at a community college and she was flabbergasted to hear about this going on in front of a teacher at a college. It's also rather bizarre that the dean of the college was a victim of this and didn't do anything. Anyway, I hope the they can get over themselves a bit because I like ceramics and don't want to be forced out of there because of behavior that would be problematic in a bunch of ten-year-olds...meanwhile, it makes me feel bad and kind of icky. I think that just goes with the territory when people treat you badly that you feel bad and kind of icky.

I had a similar thing going on with a guy in the contra dance band I play with. He was really out of line in the way of picking on me. I was angry and embarrassed by what he was doing to me, and it went on for several dances over almost a year. Two weeks ago I really gave it back to him, which didn't seem to fix anything and I still felt bad and icky about it. But then I played at a dance last night and he was cordial and made an obvious effort to get along with me. Most of the band lives in a different town than I, and they carpooled to the dance last night. I suspect that some of the other band members explained to him that this wasn't ok. I don't think people usually like being around someone who acts like that (being mean to someone for arbitrary reasons).

I'm not sure why this kind of thing happens to me in different places. Maybe I seem like a good target because in many of these environments I am in an isolated position - not part of a clique or sub-group. I always fight pack when picked on, and I stick up for other people who are picked on. Often things work out eventually because the bullies are in the wrong, but it's no fun in the meanwhile, and it sure makes me miss my dad. He always was on my side and I could count on him to listen and be supportive...

[kayc]

Honestly, I was kind of flabbergasted when I read your original post on it.  I think this is the kind of thing that needs nipped in the bud and it blew me away that they're bullying the Dean!  It seems he needed to take some swift action, perhaps giving them time off to think about their actions, something!

7 hours ago, Clematis said:

Two weeks ago I really gave it back to him, which didn't seem to fix anything and I still felt bad and icky about it. But then I played at a dance last night and he was cordial and made an obvious effort to get along with me.

My George said you needed to speak to people in the language they understand...and I've found some truth to that.  Sometimes you try tact and sensitivity and they don't get it.  I don't mean be mean or anything, but you have to get their attention in a way they get it.

I guess I don't have these kind of people in my life, but I had somewhat of a similar situation at the senior site...a lady at our table went through some hard things, no doubt, but she's become bitter and it's poisoned her.  She makes derogatory remarks constantly and is negative towards me and another gal suggested we switch tables.  I hated doing that because I enjoy everyone else's company, but it kind of ruined our time there, so we did.  That was a couple of months ago.  I still miss everyone else and I'm sorry she's so negative, but I've tried talking to her about going to the people she has something against and she won't do it, instead she prefers to make the rest of us miserable.  A year ago I never thought she would become like this.

I know, I miss having George to talk things over with too.  (((hugs)))
 

[Clematis]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

(((hugs)))

Thanks, Kay. The dean is a very pleasant woman and I was actually in the class that she took...it was on a Saturday. At the time, I wasn't aware of anyone bullying her, but I am generally pretty focused on doing my own thing and rather used to the fact that the teacher who has been there forever focuses on the beginners because he has to, but the other students he seems to ignore and his answers to direct questions are minimal or less. He does spend time in class engaged in chitchat with the bully pack. I have accepted that this burnt out teacher is not going to help me much and I'm on my own (although paying tuition).

When I talked to the dean, she commented that these students have been been there for a long time and behave as if they are entitled to special rights and privileges...loading their things into the kiln first, bossing others around, making nasty remarks, etc. And the teacher lets them get away with it. She suggested that since the new teacher is in a tenuous position as adjunct faculty, he may not want to upset the apple cart. These dynamics have been in place for a long time.

Another problem is that they pay tuition and if they were not there, there might not be enough students for the classes to make. This happened with the painting program. The painting teacher (Patti) had a following, just like the ceramics teacher and there was a group a them/us that would fill a block of each class so that there would be enough for the classes to make if a group of new students signed up. Patti suddenly had a metastasis from a cancer 20 years previous and died. They tried (sort of) to get some other teacher going, but without Patti's fans and friends, the program died too. Had they been able to keep it going, I would be in painting classes and not ceramics.

Sometimes I feel like everyone is dying. Since my dad died three years ago, there have been so many more... my aunt Nancy, my neighbor/friend Darlene, my friend Wayne, another friend Judie, Patti the painting teacher, and some others that aren't coming to mind. And now my closest friend Adrienne whose family has been like an adopted family to me, especially in the many years I was alone in AZ, her father Herb has a dementia that is compounding at an alarming rate and now Herb has bladder cancer as well. I have been so close to their family for so long and Herb was such an amazing and brilliant person - it's hard to imagine a world without him. In most ways he is gone already; the person we knew and loved is not really there anymore, although he still lives. It's like the air is being sucked out of the room

[kayc]

I wonder if because we've suffered a major loss we notice death more or if we're just getting to the age where you start losing people, because OMG, I have lost so many friends in recent years!  It seems a commonplace fact of life anymore.

I'm not sure I'd want to be in a class where that was the dynamics.  Perhaps it needs to die out and give way to something better?

[Clematis]

On 2/19/2019 at 6:08 AM, kayc said:

 

I'm not sure I'd want to be in a class where that was the dynamics.  Perhaps it needs to die out and give way to something better?

Hi Kay - sorry it's been ages. After a school year of not making enough money for a good part of it, I got really slammed for the last few months and you know how it is - ya gotta make money while the hay shines. I have been working really hard on getting these evaluations done and doing them well. I really hope I will have the same next jobs next year and not have to spend the summer pounding the pavement and then have to find my way in a new situation in the fall...

I think I am going to switch tracks a bit. I really enjoy taking classes at the community college and I like ceramics, but that environment in the ceramics classes is SO icky! There was another event in the class with the bully clique; the teacher, Ben, went to a conference and left Carolyn, one of the key members of the clique, in charge. He let her do it because she also teaches at the college (jewelry classes). She really went after me and was flat out yelling at me in class. She was saying that I never clean and everyone notices this and that I have been getting away with MURDER in class. At the start she and another student also told me that Ben had told them to pick on me and tease me by trying to get me to believe that I was supposed to do my presentation a week earlier than I had been told. They thought this was really funny. 

When Ben came back they all told him that I had been a big problem while he was gone. He called me outside the class to talk about this and before knowing what he had in mind I started telling him about what Carolyn had done, because I was still upset. I told him about them telling me that he had told them to tease me, which I didn't believe, and that she had been yelling at me in front of the class. I asked him if he felt I had been a problem or had been slack about cleaning up after myself or had been getting away with anything. He said no, no, none of that was true and he was particularly upset about her lying about him. I called the dean again as well, and she was disturbed at all this. Even though Carolyn is an instructor, in that class she is a peer and a member of a clique; she should have not been put in charge.  She was only told to make sure everyone signed in, but took advantage of the situation to get in a few whacks. I suspect it was not good for her image in the eyes of the administration. 

The next week, Flo, another primary clique member, was nagging me about how to clean and I ignored her but it was upsetting. By chance the next day a woman called me from the main campus - the person who is in charge of student conduct. She had heard a good part of all this, but I filled her in on the rest. She said she would take this up with Carolyn. And Ben. And Flo. None of that should be going on. Since then no one has said anything they shouldn't have, and that is good.

Back to the switching tracks. I am going to spend the summer focusing on my painting and take creative writing at the college. I am midway through my mission with clay and don't want to give that up and so I am going to continue working with clay at the place where the serious potters throw clay. They call it "the Ranch". There was a prominent potter here who had a big studio at a ranch just out of town, and when he died his friends wanted to carry on his legacy. So now the Ranch is a place where you can take classes and/or have a membership where you go to open lab 24/7, work with clay, fire your stuff, and have access to wheels, slab rollers, kilns, etc. I have known quite a few people who work out there. Some go to the Ranch and the college. Others can't stand what's going on at the college and they just go to the Ranch. I suppose I am one of them...

[kayc]

It's good to hear from you!

It's hard enough to deal with stuff like that at work, but to be subjected to that when you're trying to do something enjoyable, that kind of defeats the purpose.  I'm glad you're switching tracks this summer, and good luck with your job renewal!