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Not Wanting To Be Here Anymore So Sad

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Today I just woke up so sad.....it's been about 4 months since my mom died. I've been ok for the last several weeks, but this past week I've been so down....sometimes I just can't understand why I wake up to face this horrible reality. Everyday I get up...and there I go ...out the door...to live my life. But what life? What does it mean? I'm so exhausted. No one understands me, and it frustrates me that I can't find anything in this world to hold on to and make me feel safe. Friends are not supportive. I often think about making new friends, but don't feel up to it. I just want to be alone, and I close myself off. I try to keep a busy schedule and think of things to do, but eventually.....I still feel the hurt... The hurt that's deep down to the core of my soul...and has no cure.... I'm so sad :(

Yesterday I went to a restaurant after class by myself. I tried to ignore the very fact that I blurted out, "table for 1 please". I just wanted to eat in peace and quiet, but looking around at all the families and friends and people enjoying each other and having a good time just brought me down. I started crying but had to catch myself so nobody would see. I miss my mommy...I just want her back... :(

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Hi shubom, read the PM I sent you. Talk about coincidence.

"Not wanting to be here anymore" as you will probably know, is a popular feeling with me. Popular in that it refuses to go away and is seemingly in demand by my subconscious. (Though I don't recall any nightmares about it to tell you. I wish I did, because my nightmares always make you laugh. :D)

I have had this feeling all week, of missing Mom. I have deeply missed my Mom all week. It started on Sunday, when I remembered that there had been a pink rose (her favorite kind, I think) growing last year on the edge of the property by her old house, in the bushes. How it got there, I have no idea. But I had planned last Fall to dig it up and transplant it for her, so she could see it better. I never got the chance as she entered the hospital about then, never to come home. :( Now that the house is sold, I will never get the chance to do that. :( It also pains me to think that due to its location, it'll be prominent to see from a block away. (the house is near an intersection, so it's easy to see, from one block away as I drive down Main Street.)

It got worse after my face-to-face grief counseling session on Tuesday. That's happened before, but its OK, I won't stop going just yet.

Today the feeling of not wanting to be here was really bad, when I visited the cemetary. I cried hard, begged for God to get me out of here. I don't need to be here anymore, what's the use? Of course there is a reason, we may not know it yet. Perhaps it to help each other.

I don't know, but I was wishing that WE'D ALL be united someday in Heaven, from were there is no parting, and we can each meet each other's loved ones, never to be separated again.

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Yes, I've felt that way, too, more times than I care to count, and expect I'll feel that way again, after our fur-girl is gone....SCARY THOUGHT!!! I don't ever want to revisit that horrid place ever again! Yet, as they say, it's a part of life on earth...which just makes me SCREAM! WHY does it have to be this way for us?!?!?

And yet, in those interims between personal tragedies, I do always seem to start ( if I've been given enough time for me, personally, between tragedies ) to feel those stirrings of being able to enjoy, although in a changed way ( which sometimes is a good way, too ), the little things in life that seem to make it worth sticking around for, at least for awhile longer. Although, sometimes I even rail against that internal urge ( to feel happy ), as it can seem, when grieving, like a cruel joke...this internal DRIVE inside us to stay alive, to live, to experience happiness and not pain.

Sometimes even spiritual teachings make it seem even worse rather than better, or comforting...like that ancient teaching about not being too attached to things/people/places/animals of this world, as it only leads to suffering in the end. I think we've all been there, but how to NOT do this is still a big mystery to me, as what's life without those loving attachments? At that point I usually have to turn to the idea that this physical life is only a small component of our lives, and that our REAL home isn't even IN the physical plane. And so it goes, back and forth, in my head and in my heart, not knowing WHAT it's all about, ultimately.

If it helps any, I've been in restaurants, even WITH my husband, after my Mom's death, where the sights and sounds of happier people made me feel like just dying, too. My food often got even saltier than I normally like, what with the tears falling.

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Thats definitely the feeling I have most of the time, 'not wantint to be here anymore'. It's been about 18 months since my mom passed away and most days I want nothing more than to get hit by a car or have something happen so I don't have to face another second of this life. I've even considered taking matters into my own hands, I was once forced to spend a couple of days in a hopsital and see a bunch of therapists because I was very close to attempting suicide. I spend my 19th birthday alone in a bathroom with enough pills to get the job done but luckily I didn't do it. The reason then that I didn't was the thought of what it would do to my mom but now that my mom is gone....I was raised in a pretty strong christian family, and in the Bible it says suicide is a sin and if you take matters into your own hands and kill yourself you will not go to heaven. That is the one and only thing that keeps me from doing anything. I struggle with my faith a lot these days but I do believe and thats what is keeping me from doing what I know is stupid.

I went to my mom's grave last thursday for the first time since last fall. The cemetary is closed all winter because it cannot be plowed. I have been pretty down since, it is really hard going there. She is buried right next to my grandparents and to me it just feels like my entire life is lying there in the ground and I am left all alone. I am only 23 and I feel like I have already lived a lifetime....But for some reason I am still here on this earth and although I don't know why I am here.

One thing I read after my mom died that has stuck with me is "grieving is the price we pay for caring for someone". It is so true, all the pain and suffering is the cost of caring and loving and although it is worth it at times it is frightening to get close to people for fear they are going to die.

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Hi kasey:

I know what you mean about wanting to commit suicide. Although I said somewhere that I wouldn't do it by my own hand, for the exact same reasons that have kept you from doing it, it hadn't prevented me from waking up everyday for a week or so in November and December (My Mom died in November 2005) hating God for not taking me during the night. Talk about a resentment. :blink: My other tactic, assuming that my mission in life is over now that Mom is gone as I had taken care of her hasn't worked. Try reasoning with God and learn where that'll get ya. :wacko:

I'm still here.

Why? I dunno. I'm 43 and still wondering at times. You're 23 (so I won't say what you'll probably hate - 'you've got you're whole life ahead of you') and right now the whole life thing is still a huge mystery. We are all here for a purpose, and sometimes that purpose is murky. My theory, and this is also based to some degree on life experience, is that during those times when life seems too cloudy to figure things out, that's when a purpose is being worked out and you may see it when enough time passes. This has happened to me. Things get confusing, they are very unclear, and I don't know where I am going or what is going on. That's when things are being sorted out. With patience, and also with prayer (you're a Christian, so try it, knowing that answers will come, but in God's time) things will start to emerge and you'll begin to see a direction to matters.

Some of the real nice people on this board have suggested when I talk about wishing I was "gone" is that I'm here to help people. Actually, they prob mean that we're all here to help each other, and this is a good purpose. Small, neat and tidy, coming in here and poking around the boards, seeing what other members are going through and trying to help, knowing full well that I'll get nice help in return when I start to wig out.

Stick around and I hope you feel better. You said: "grieving is the price we pay for caring for someone". Is VERY true. The amount we grieve shows our capacity for love. That's a good purpose in life, too.

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