To my dear Mother

[SonofASA]

Over the years I've come to know the meaning of the phrase "You don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore" on an intellectual level. Then there were the moments when I didn't have enough money to pay the bills or lost a pet, or even tried to relate to someone else who lost a loved one. But when my Mother passed away on 4/3/2019, what began in me was a profound understanding of that phrase. I just finished crying for the umpteenth time despite all the support and encouragement I've received from relatives and friends. I felt that I had said all I needed to say to Mother and I long ago made peace with her, but I really, really, really want to put my arms around her one more time to tell her that I love her. My siblings and I are going through her extensive records to make sure the estate is handed over completely to Father so that he can finish the process of making the living will finalized. We don't need or want the money. The point is to keep it out of probate. The thing with Father is he never involved himself with the financials and has no idea of what is going on until we explain it to him. That's a long way of saying that the last 11 days have been emotionally taxing because we all enjoyed and loved one another. Mom built and guided a solid family that will stick together, but for me the sentimentality is most difficult to handle. Mother and I were very much alike in that regard and almost every item that she wrote on or trinket she kept reminds me of the times and places we've been through which evokes feelings of happiness and longing followed by profound sorrow for not having her here. She never wanted us to be sad, but it is very difficult not to be so at this point. But I endeavor to mourn her and expect sadness much less often that I do now just over a week after her passing. Love your loved ones folks. If you haven't already, videotape them talking or having fun, you'll be glad you did. I have a few hours of her and wish I had much, much more, but I will treasure what little I have. I love you Mother. You represent all the good in me and I endeavor to live life as you did. There aren't words adequate enough to describe how good you were to me and I can say that I am the most fortunate person in the world to be your son.

[kayc]

I'm sorry for your loss.  It's been 4 1/2 years for me, hard to believe, it seems like yesterday.

[SonofASA]

Thank you kayc for your wishes, and my apologies for taking this long to respond. I, too, extend my condolences to you. As I read that you find it hard to believe that he's been gone for 4-1/2 years, I have a bevy of emotions and feelings that seem almost misplaced. Sometimes I'll cry as I would expect a Son to cry after his Mother has passed, then go three or four days in a sort of bubble where intellectually I know she's gone but then find myself also feeling a sense of disbelief. It's like I feel as if I should be sadder somehow or not entitled to be serene and accepting. Almost like what survivors guilt sounds like. I'm not scared or lost, just a bit perplexed about what I'm going through. At least I've had plenty of support in my family (I'm unmarried and childless) and I've been open about my feelings and unashamed of crying.

As you may know, handling the unfinished business of a parent makes for a busy time and while my siblings are doing a lot of the work, I still find myself a little bewildered by what this is all about. I personally never cared for the notion of inheriting anything and often told my parents that I'll make it on my own steam. This is quite an intricate process getting everything switched over to Father so that he can finish Mom's task of what to do with the estate. I'm fortunate to have a Brother that I can trust with my life and who has an amazing aptitude for the process as well as an inextinguishable drive to see things through to their completion. Our Sister is just as driven toward turning Mom and Dad's house around in areas of modernizing, repair and general sprucing up. Me, I fill in the gaps and try to keep everyone humored despite my grief at the loss of the best person I'll ever know.

[kayc]

My husband's been gone nearly 14 years, it's my mom that's been gone 4 1/2 years.  My dad has been gone 37 years and we had to sell my mom's house to pay for her dementia care, it took most of it and my brother got whatever was left so we didn't go through the clearing out like you are and I think it was a little easier because she was still alive even though her mind was pretty gone by then.  I'm glad you have the siblings you do, that can be a big help, I have wonderful siblings too although one is disabled with dementia and another is blind, another passed away a year ago.

Listening to what you are going through...it brings back memories, you are still in the throes of it.  It sounds like you take after your mom, being the best person you can.