Why Do I Feel Like This?

[cyndy]

No, the "immediate family" which included only 10 people (and none of his children) were the ones who placed the notice in his file...that no one was to know where he was buried. The people from the cemetary could not tell me where he was, as his next of kin did not want it known. They could have been sued.

I have been to this cemetary several times, and can't find him.

Actually, his ex-wife and his current(?)girlfriend both threw a giant hissy fit at his funeral. According to the attendent, it was quite a scene.

I find it amusing, as my lost love had a great sense of humor. While I was wandering around, looking for his grave, I asked him "Damn, what did you do?" All I could think was that three women in his life could not let go. His ex wife, his old love, and his current girlfriend. He was really special, when you consider how much we all loved him.

It was a good thing I hadn't been there! I'm an old fashioned Texas redneck, and it would have been ugly if I'd seen them fighting at his funeral. I would have joined and made a complete ass out of myself.

As it is, the only way I know who the current girlfriend is, is by checking probate court. I only did that because I couldn't find his death certificate, an obituary, or anything official to say that he'd died, so I couldn't get it into my head that he'd really died. I had to know for sure. Well, if he isn't dead, someone's taken all of his money for no reason.

I have thought about sending flowers to his current girlfriend. I have to pass the intersection where he died quite often. She has to pass it every day, and go home to an empty house. I have thought about sending her my sympathies, and asking her where he is buried. Unfortunately, she seemed to be a little posessive and I'm a little scared to ask. I may be able to introduce myself as an old student, and since I can't find his grave without help, I think I'll do that.

I am kind of afraid to post his letter. Some of it is pornographic, but I can leave that out.

You all understand the pain, the anger, so it may help as long as I leave out the names and places.

Thanks again

Cyndy

[WaltC]

I have thought about sending flowers to his current girlfriend. ....

I am kind of afraid to post his letter. Some of it is pornographic, but I can leave that out.

Cyndy

Cyndy - while I can understand your viewpoint, I do not understand why you would send flowers to his current girlfriend, or why you would even consider posting the letter of a deceased person who you once cared for. It makes no sense to me at all.

Please consider the consequences of such action before you act in anger.

Kayc - I am sorry but I disagree with your opinion on the cemetary's refusal to disclose the burial plot location. I paid for my wife's plot and IF I choose, for whatever reason, to keep it private that is my right. One can never know what some "nut" might do to desecrate a grave site.

(I am NOT implying any such action in this situation, but in other cases it could well happen.)

[kayc]

I am sorry, but I am afraid I misunderstood, I thought you meant you were considering posting a letter you wrote to your deceased. And some things are too private to be shared with others, and anything of a sexual nature falls into that category. But I still feel that anyone who loves someone should be able to pay their last respects to them. Recently my George's former girlfriend called "us" to "see how we're doing"...I called her back and told her of his death and we shared many good memories together. I feel this is fine as long as it is done with respect and good taste, and with some people, that can't happen, but she was his friend and in his life for many years. He had broke off their friendship with her after we got together because she didn't respect the boundaries he had set for her, but I am of a forgiving nature and cannot be mean to someone who is grieving just because we happened to have loved the same person...after all, this person had many loveable traits. Ali was special to George and I believe still is, but she wasn't what he needed and she knew that...and I was his Little One, the most special of all to him, and that is all I ever needed. And Walt, I just think how horrible it would be if my dad's friends couldn't pay their last respects to him because of not being told where his grave was, or if I couldn't pay my respects to my mother-in-law (I was married to her son for 23 years and took care of her the last three years of her life). Everyone's situation is different. I doubt you'd run into that with your little Jeannie, but there's all kinds of unique situations out here. I still feel that we don't have exclusive rights to our loved ones, that there were other people in their lives that loved them, maybe in a different time, but we need to respect those relationships too for they helped forge who they became. We are still number one to our spouse and that's all that matters. Of course, I have my George's ashes, so someone would have to go through me to get to him.

Edited July 14, 2006 by kayc

[cyndy]

Kayc

I am glad that you understand. My lost love and I haven't spoken for 8 years. I have a wonderful husband now who helped me raise my children, and I helped raise his. We have been through lay-offs, bankruptcy, loss of dreams, sick kids, loss of homes, and so many horrible times that you couldn't imagine...maybe you could. But we also go places on weekends, and this weekend just drove until we found a hotel and a place we wanted to check out. We have our good times and stick together through our bad. I have a wonderful life with my husband, so that makes this agony I feel over my lost love worse.

I'm happy that he found someone he could love and spend his life with. I was obviously not that person. But I miss him, and I never stopped loving him. I just want to see his grave, sit down there and talk to him, like we used to talk. Maybe I want to know that he's really gone...his death was so mysterious, with no one allowed to talk about it. Or visit him. At least I talked to the funeral director, who let me know that he was really gone. I was a little crazy until then.

The letter I have written him is the crazy thoughts we all have, and the fantacies we have with our lost loved ones. Did we fantacize something that never happened? I think we all did. That's why my husband and I take lots of trips and have an official date every friday night with no children. He's 15 years older than me, and I refuse to wonder "what if" if he leaves this earth before I do. I've been disabled and sick, so he refuses to have the same regrets.

I can't post the letter I wrote him, but someday I will read it to him. I'm sure that I'll find his grave, and I'll finally be able to let him go.

Thanks for understanding.

Another thing...When we talked, so many years ago, I told him how much I loved to drive. I was a single parent, and I'm one of those crazy people who turns the stero full blast and drives like a maniac when I need to get away from daily life. Driving, being in control of the car and speeding, going through curves at high speed, downshifting, that was my way to get through. He hated driving. He said he got lost, and didn't know how to have fun in a car.

He died driving a Corvette, witnesses say he lost control of the car.

I feel like it's my fault. I let him know that a high-powered car could let all of your stressors go, that the speed and concentration could empty the mind.

Just for the people reading this...I think that the emphasis should be on the word concentration...you can't drive like I do unless you really know what you're doing. Concentration is just as important as a space-shuttle pilot, that's why it's stress reducing. Don't try this at home!!!

I still drive, right now I'm negotiating on a 4.6L V8 2002 Eldorado with a 12 disk CD changer (you can hear all of the men on this site sigh)but he didn't like to drive.

I keep wondering...did he buy that car because of something I said? Did I cause his death? Was he trying my stress-reliever, without knowing how dangerous that is? You have to know how to drive in order to properly use a high performance vehicle, you can't just buy one and hope for the best! I want to hit him for that! I drove today in my little 5-speed manual, over 300 miles through curving country roads, and yelled at him. I told him how to properly handle a car! Maybe I should have told him that 8 years ago. Since he died in a car, especially one I know he could not handle if he drove it properly, I will always feel like it's my fault.

[kayc]

You know you can't really know the answer as to the why he bought the Corvette or how he was handling it, but this I do know: you did not tell him to do the same thing as you, you didn't recommend it, you just told him what YOU like to do. He made HIS decisions and actions, and what happened, happened. It may have had nothing to do with relieving stress or enjoyment or anything else...maybe he just liked the looks of the Corvette (how can you not? ) and maybe there were other conditions that entered in to the death that you aren't aware of...but please don't blame yourself. You would never have said anything to have hurt him, you know that.

It's okay to let out your feelings. Years and years ago I was in love with a man...I thought he was the love of my life and I'd never love anyone else like him...it didn't work between us. I lamented over him for I don't know how many years...I used to cry in the shower so no one could hear me, I remember that. One day about 18 years later I suddenly realized it no longer hurt. It wasn't that I thought of him all the time for 18 years, but it was a gradual healing and it did take time. Now that same person wants me back (he never married) and I thank God we aren't together and realize we weren't right for each other...and in the meantime, I had my George and he really was the love of my life, and I had a few wonderful years that could not be surpassed. Life takes it's funny turns, but we do live through it all.

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I feel very guilty because I lost both of my parents in one year. But I tend to go on about the other things that I lost at the same time... For example I had to leave the house I lived in for forty years..., I also had to leave the job I had for the past eleven years, and I had to give my brother my dog who I have had since she was five weeks old. It is like I did not care about my parents as much as the stuff I had or my environment.... I just felt like I needed to write this I hope I did not ramble on too much take care Shelley

[kayc]

Starkiss,

I'm not sure why you feel guilty...you've suffered a LOT of loss in such a short time, and any one of those things would be more than enough to deal with but add it up and it's almost overwhelming. We keep you in our prayers.

[STARKISS]

Dear KayC,

I feel guilty about missing the material things I lost more than my own parents. Take care Shelley