Regrets

[rcphill]

I had my best friend put to sleep yesterday. Before hand, I felt sure that it was right. Now I am reeling with regret.

My 12 year old min pin got sick in May with what we thought was pancreatitis via ultrasound. She recovered for a few weeks, and then began vomiting daily on June 10. Her appetite was pickier but overall she was normal. I had another ultrasound performed which revealed an abnormal area in the stomach. The radiologist wasn’t sure what to make of it at the time, so I treated her symptomatically for 2 more weeks. Her symptoms weren’t improving and appetite was even worse, so she had yet another ultrasound where we found that her entire stomach was abnormal. They suspected gastric cancer. My options were endoscopy with biopsies (50% chance of getting a diagnosis) or exploratory surgery. The specialist did not highly recommend exploratory due to how abnormal her stomach looked - she felt that it wouldn’t heal well and she could have major complications. So we did endoscopy on Wednesday, but Rhyley just keep getting worse every day. 

She hadn’t eaten much on her own over the past three weeks. At first she would eat kibble about once a day, then not at all. This is a dog that never missed a meal! I was syringe feeding her most of the time and medicating her with everything we could for her stomach. Over the last weekend, she became very lethargic. She would still have bursts of adrenaline when there was something she wanted to bark at, but the remainder of the time she was asleep. She woke up a few nights in a row unable to get comfortable. Most mornings this week she woke up nauseous (lip licking, swallowing). She was on anti nausea medications so no actual vomiting but could still tell she was nauseous. She instantly turned and tried to get away from food yesterday morning. 

We were able to get her to eat a little rotisserie chicken yesterday and she drank water once. When I would pick her up, she seemed “limp” if that makes sense...like weak I guess? The past few days when I would let her out in the yard, she would just stand there for a while before going to the bathroom. And as soon as she was done out there, she would just go right back into the bedroom wanting to go to sleep.

I’m a veterinarian, so I feel terrible that I couldn’t fix her. I tried medications for 3-4 weeks and saw her progressively declining. Like I said, all the specialists I talked to highly suspected a cancerous process, and stomach cancers do not tend to respond to chemo. I wanted to wait until we got the endoscopic biopsy results back, but that wouldn’t be until Tuesday and I was so scared of how bad she would’ve been at that point. She was already dehydrated so I was trying to do IV fluids at home for her in addition to her medications and syringe feeding. 

I didn’t want to wait too long, but I also worry that I did it too soon. And now I cannot take it back. If the endoscopic biopsy does not confirm cancer, I just don’t know what I’m going to do...I’m going to hate myself.

[MartyT]

My friend, I doubt if there is anything I can say to ease the load of guilt and regret that you are carrying on your shoulders ~ but as I read your description of your Rhyley's behavior and your Herculean efforts to diagnose and treat whatever was going on with her, it seems to me that you did everything humanly possible to fix her, all to no avail. Regardless of the results of the endoscopic biopsy on Tuesday, the fact remains that she was clearly not well and probably suffering. When an animal stops eating and drinking, becomes limp and lethargic, sleeps most of the time, and does not respond to the medications you've been trying for nearly a month, I think it's safe to conclude that regardless of the cause, her body was shutting down. Would if have been better to ignore the signs that were so obvious to you over the past three weeks, just to keep her alive long enough to confirm an already suspected diagnosis of cancer? Sometimes I think that, with all the medical tools at our disposal today, instead of prolonging the lives of our beloved animal companions who are so seriously ill, we are in fact prolonging their dying. 

Your concern over waiting too long vs. "doing it too soon" is the dilemma we all face in circumstances such as yours. In the end, we try our best to put the needs of our companions (to end their pain and suffering) above our own needs to keep them here (to spare us the pain and suffering of losing them). There is simply no way to go through this without some measure of uncertainty, guilt and regret. See, for example, Guilt in the Wake of The Euthanasia Decision ~ including the Related Articles and Resources you'll find listed at the base ~ and I hope that you will find a way to forgive yourself for doing the right thing for your beloved Rhyley. ♥

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds to me like your dog was very fortunate to be in the hands of a veterinarian who loved her very much.  When I first began reading this, my reaction was, "Wow!  They're doing all this?  I didn't get such help from my veterinarian."  That was before I knew you are one.

I want to let you know that it is very common, normal even, to feel regret and guilt following euthanasia.  When my dog's time comes, I'm sure I'll be feeling the same things.  It's our way of looking for a different possible outcome, part of the processing our grief.  You put her needs ahead of your own, the last thing in the world you wanted was to lose her, but neither could you bear to have her suffer.  We know when we have them euthanized that they could possibly live another day or week, but at whose expense?  You did the kindest thing.

As Marty said, we can't talk you out of your feelings, even when you look at it logically, feelings are still there...but my hope is that through processing your grief, these self-recriminations will abate some.  You don't deserve to feel this way, but we all seem to when we go through this.  Sending you comforting thoughts...