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themermaidgoddess

I just needed perspective...

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My Ex and I dated for almost a year (well the day before our one year). Nearing the last three months his Dad got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, this hit me so hard cause his Dad used to call me his second daughter. He told me he was so excited for us to get married and would always tell me "hey beautiful" when he saw me. A couple weeks ago I went up to his college (3 hours away) for my birthday and he was just so out of it. He didn't pay much attention to me and he just kept paying mind to his friends, I got so mad. When he came down he never saw me and I'd get a little upset. He broke up with me once and we said we were going to work it out. Then when I called him he kept putting me on hold and he said it wouldn't work out again. I was so upset! how could he do that, I was heartbroken and so confused. His Dad is currently unresponsive right now so it's soon.

I wanted to stick through this through thick and thin. I wanted to do it so bad. I begged and prayed to god that he'd seen he screwed up and get me back quickly. I think what I didn't realize is that I was so insensitive, his world is crumbling and I think he's so depressed that he can't physically feel love right now.

What I didn't realize until now is that I've been so selfish, these forums opened my eyes to what he's experiencing. We were both childish through this and I hope and pray some day that we come back together again. Cause I really miss my best friend. And I realized I f****d up. I saw so many posts of people that said that they just couldn't do love for a while. I am not going to wait for him. But I think we both need to grieve our loss.

(There's other details but I really don't want to get into those)

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Hon, Try not to be so hard on yourself.  All of life is a learning experience, if we let it be, and so none of it is wasted.  I was one who got broken up with by my fiance of a year, when his mom was dying.  After a few months of no contact, he reconnected but as friends.  I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who would break up with me when things were rough because if there's one guarantee in life, it's that we WILL face loved ones dying, things being hard, in life.  I'd rather have a partner that would go through thick and thin with me.  That's nothing against him, he is how he is, just that he'd not right for ME.  Your response was natural, and you didn't know how grief hits people...in our society, most people do NOT know until the experience it themselves, and each loss/grief is different, just as each of us experience it uniquely.

Right now you are undoubtedly grieving the loss of your ex.  Be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend.  It's hard to go through, painful!  During this time it can help to keep busy with family/friends and activities we enjoy.  I remember how clean my house got when my ex broke up with me!  Yes it'd help if people could take a break and have some space rather than breaking up, but some wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway, hindsight is always clearer.

Word of caution:  When my ex first reconnected with me, he was all over the place with his feelings and it quickly became apparent that he didn't know his own mind.  He was yanking me around emotionally, without meaning to, and it was having disastrous effects on me.  I realized he didn't know his own mind, and I listened to him but tried not to let it affect me so much.  He'd say "I love you" and then not contact me for two weeks.  As friends, expectation is different so as not to feel so much of a letdown.  

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Hon, Try not to be so hard on yourself.  All of life is a learning experience, if we let it be, and so none of it is wasted.  I was one who got broken up with by my fiance of a year, when his mom was dying.  After a few months of no contact, he reconnected but as friends.  I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who would break up with me when things were rough because if there's one guarantee in life, it's that we WILL face loved ones dying, things being hard, in life.  I'd rather have a partner that would go through thick and thin with me.  That's nothing against him, he is how he is, just that he'd not right for ME.  Your response was natural, and you didn't know how grief hits people...in our society, most people do NOT know until the experience it themselves, and each loss/grief is different, just as each of us experience it uniquely.

Right now you are undoubtedly grieving the loss of your ex.  Be patient and understanding of yourself, be your own best friend.  It's hard to go through, painful!  During this time it can help to keep busy with family/friends and activities we enjoy.  I remember how clean my house got when my ex broke up with me!  Yes it'd help if people could take a break and have some space rather than breaking up, but some wouldn't feel comfortable with that anyway, hindsight is always clearer.

Word of caution:  When my ex first reconnected with me, he was all over the place with his feelings and it quickly became apparent that he didn't know his own mind.  He was yanking me around emotionally, without meaning to, and it was having disastrous effects on me.  I realized he didn't know his own mind, and I listened to him but tried not to let it affect me so much.  He'd say "I love you" and then not contact me for two weeks.  As friends, expectation is different so as not to feel so much of a letdown.  

I've forgotten all of the activities I used to enjoy... his Dad just died and I've pushed him and his family so far away with my paragraphs about how I missed my best friend that they didn't even tell me. I got so mad that I burned his stuff and called him crazy so I think needless to say he wont contact me again...

I miss his Dad so much honestly, his Dad used to always give him such good relationship advice. I keep crying and praying to god (I haven't done it in years) asking for him to bring my best friend back. He told me we were never getting back together. I just keep wishing this is all one big nightmare, every morning I pinch myself asking for god to change how things are. I know it's a learning experience but I don't want this one...

I'm up and down a lot, I seem ok and then I get so sad that all I feel is pain in my chest and I can't seem to be happy no matter how hard I try. I so badly want to turn to him and cry on his shoulder and try to make him laugh. I want him to be here and hold my hand while we eat ice cream. 

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It's definitely a lesson in restraint.    Right now it'd be really good to focus on you and your life.  We can't control what others decide or do, only how we'll respond.

When my husband passed away, I learned to try to stay in today and appreciate the good that is, no matter how small and to not compare to what is no longer, to just appreciate the small joys that are.

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56 minutes ago, kayc said:

It's definitely a lesson in restraint.    Right now it'd be really good to focus on you and your life.  We can't control what others decide or do, only how we'll respond.

When my husband passed away, I learned to try to stay in today and appreciate the good that is, no matter how small and to not compare to what is no longer, to just appreciate the small joys that are.

It's so hard to love myself, all of his sister's friends are telling me I'm the bad guy and I am but I don't need to keep being told that. They're already kicking me while I'm down and I just wanna get back up you know?

I am trying so hard to find joys in the small things but its so hard. He was a big source of my happiness.

I keep hoping this is a nightmare.

I can't even go to his Dad's funeral cause I made his family so upset.

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11 hours ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I don't need to keep being told that.

You're right, you DON'T need to hear that.  Tell them to offer you something positive and you'll listen, you don't need kicked, you're doing that yourself.

Could you maybe slip in to the funeral a couple minutes late and sit in the back?  I know he meant a lot to you.

Try practicing loving yourself, even if you don't FEEL it, start by showing/doing it, it's a positive.

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14 hours ago, kayc said:

You're right, you DON'T need to hear that.  Tell them to offer you something positive and you'll listen, you don't need kicked, you're doing that yourself.

Could you maybe slip in to the funeral a couple minutes late and sit in the back?  I know he meant a lot to you.

Try practicing loving yourself, even if you don't FEEL it, start by showing/doing it, it's a positive.

The last words I heard his Dad tell me is "You are the kindest person I know, keep my son happy" and I guess from what his sister's friend said he was not happy with me before he passed. They asked me to take down all of the social media posts that I made of his Dad cause it was "selfish", but thats how I grieve.

I burned his stuff out of pure anger snd I wish I hadn't.

I didn't follow through with what he told me ho do and that haunts me. I want so badly to fix this and I can't. I want so badly just to talk this out face to face. 

I've screwed up so bad that theres nothing I can do.

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9 minutes ago, themermaidgoddess said:

The last words I heard his Dad tell me is "You are the kindest person I know, keep my son happy" and I guess from what his sister's friend said he was not happy with me before he passed. They asked me to take down all of the social media posts that I made of his Dad cause it was "selfish", but thats how I grieve.

I burned his stuff out of pure anger snd I wish I hadn't.

I didn't follow through with what he told me ho do and that haunts me. I want so badly to fix this and I can't. I want so badly just to talk this out face to face. 

I've screwed up so bad that theres nothing I can do.

Her friend also told me he was so upset I shouldn't even bother to go.

I'm probably going a day after the funeral, buying so flowers and going to his grave to tell him I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the pain I caused him, his family, his son.

I pray every night to god I tell him to tell his Dad that I'm sorry I didn't live up to what he told me.

To help my ex's family grieve and that if I deserve it, that he bring him a little step closer to me everyday.

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One sincere apology covers it.  Tell them if you haven't, tell him at his grave, but once is sufficient, it's not necessary to beg for forgiveness, they'll grant it or they won't, that's up to them.  Just continue as you are, learn from your mistakes and let it help you grow, that's the best you can do with it.  We ALL make mistakes.  There is no penance that will suffice with some people.  Anger is pain-based, so that's what prompted it.  Treating yourself with kindness and forgiveness will go a long ways in soothing your own feelings.  

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14 hours ago, kayc said:

One sincere apology covers it.  Tell them if you haven't, tell him at his grave, but once is sufficient, it's not necessary to beg for forgiveness, they'll grant it or they won't, that's up to them.  Just continue as you are, learn from your mistakes and let it help you grow, that's the best you can do with it.  We ALL make mistakes.  There is no penance that will suffice with some people.  Anger is pain-based, so that's what prompted it.  Treating yourself with kindness and forgiveness will go a long ways in soothing your own feelings.  

It's so hard to love myself when I'm so angry at myself and all of the damage I've caused. I want so badly want to fix this and I can't. I can't picture myself with anybody else, but at the same time I'm sure he's picturing himself with somebody better.

I can barely eat, when I sleep I dream about is the good times we could've had if I hadn't done this. And when I'm awake all I hear is the words his Dad told me over and over. I hear that time heals all wounds and I hope it's right.

I'm so mentally jumbled. I keep studying for my permit test so I can get my license and this can work when he does come around. His Dad's cancer just was a bump in the road and he went off to college three hours away so it strained our really really strong relationship. His Mom also took his car for the semester.

I don't know if anybody got this huge gut feeling when they went through this but I feel it in my gut that we will get back together. Like somebody is telling me that maybe he and his family will come around when they heal. His Dad loved me unconditionally and I think he would've forgave me eventually. It's like a sixth sense. Maybe it's his Dad telling me that he knows it's going to work out. Maybe it's god, maybe it's me and I'm going crazy.

I need to let them heal, I know they just lost somebody incredibly close to them that was so so important. And when that happens you're angry at the world for no reason and sometimes you need an outlet for anger and I'm kinda perfect for that right now.

Somewhere inside of me, I think his Dad knew that I'm suffering cause of this too. And I hope and I pray that he knows I feel bad that my anger got the best of me. I kick myself everyday. I really hope up in heaven his Dad is pain-free, giving god a hard time and knows that I didn't mean to put his family through this. I don't want attention, far from it. That's why I'm here and not on Facebook complaining about me ex's family. Because there is so much I could say about how they treated me. But I won't.

We both did things wrong and I think he needs to get his head on straight with the grieving and realize that he did things wrong too.

I learned so much, mostly about myself. How to be alone by myself and that you don't get closure sometimes. And that you have to forgive and forget no matter what somebody has done to you. This situation brought me closer to god too. And how you can't rely on somebody completely.

 

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1 hour ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I want so badly want to fix this and I can't.

Some things we can't "fix" but we can learn from and take with us to do better in the future.  As you begin to process this, the pain will begin to lessen, little by little.  Try not to beat yourself up, it won't help you.  

I would never think you're seeking attention, yes, as you say, that would be for those putting stuff on FB.

1 hour ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I learned so much, mostly about myself. How to be alone by myself and that you don't get closure sometimes. And that you have to forgive and forget no matter what somebody has done to you. This situation brought me closer to god too. And how you can't rely on somebody completely.

All such rich lessons!  See, you are already letting good come from bad, one of the best things we can do in life.  (((hugs)))

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On 9/20/2019 at 10:32 AM, kayc said:

Hon, Try not to be so hard on yourself.  All of life is a learning experience, if we let it be, and so none of it is wasted.  I was one who got broken up with by my fiance of a year, when his mom was dying.  After a few months of no contact, he reconnected but as friends.  I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who would break up with me when things were rough because if there's one guarantee in life, it's that we WILL face loved ones dying, things being hard, in life.  I'd rather have a partner that would go through thick and thin with me.  That's nothing against him, he is how he is, just that he'd not right for ME.  Your response was natural, and you didn't know how grief hits people...in our society, most people do NOT know until the experience it themselves, and each loss/grief is different, just as each of us experience it uniquely.

Two people have died in the last year we've been together, he's lost three major people in the last couple years. His Grandpa and his Dad. I think he just thinks that so many people close to him get hurt. I think he wants me to push him away you know?

I think he just needs to sort out things in counseling, and so do I.

He's even told me this too. And I think me getting mad about him not calling me enough was just kind of a way in his mind to think that you know, "push her away, you there's your chance", I think maybe someday he'll miss me. 

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What does your counselor think?

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6 hours ago, kayc said:

What does your counselor think?

She said it's a good idea but only if he wants to come.

He's blocked me on everything so needless to say I can't do much.

I've made my bed, so I kinda have to lay in it.

Our guidance counselor is going to calling hours today and wants to tell him that I want to talk it out. So hopefully he at least wants to do that.

I'm taking responsibility for my actions which is not what a lot kids my age can brag about.

The pain isn't there anymore but I still miss him you know? Despite all of this I love him unconditionally snd want to work it out.

I keep having this gut feeling it will I don't know.

The other night I felt a soft presence on my shoulder while I was crying. I feel like its his Dad's way of telling me he forgives me. It felt so much like one of his Dad's hugs (oh how I miss them, I miss his Dad so much.)

Our guidance counselor said that he said he didn't feel supported and I see it now. I just wish he had told me. I really want to fix this. But if not I know I'll be at peace someday.

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1 hour ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I'm absolutely destroyed again. She said that he and his step-mom said he's done. I feel like theirs no hope now.

I just don't know what I did so bad that they ALL hate me you know? I just need an explanation more than anything.

I keep seeing articles to let your ex wait, to see how good you are. I don't know if that would work. Maybe be less needy. I don't know. 

I need to focus on myself and making myself better. Maybe he'll remember the good times. I'm trying to turn to a greater power for answers and I'm not getting much.

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I am surprised the counselor would tell you what he's said, she shouldn't convey anything without permission.

Sometimes we don't get the luxury of closure and have to do that ourselves, harder but not impossible.  

24 minutes ago, themermaidgoddess said:

I need to focus on myself and making myself better.

Yes. (((hugs)))

24 minutes ago, themermaidgoddess said:

'm trying to turn to a greater power for answers and I'm not getting much.

Have you tried going to a spiritual advisor for help?  Listen, it's okay to pour our hearts out to God, but listening is all the more valuable once spent.  

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8 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am surprised the counselor would tell you what he's said, she shouldn't convey anything without permission.

Sometimes we don't get the luxury of closure and have to do that ourselves, harder but not impossible.  

Yes. (((hugs)))

Have you tried going to a spiritual advisor for help?  Listen, it's okay to pour our hearts out to God, but listening is all the more valuable once spent.  

She works at our school so she's not really a "counselor"

What exactly do you mean by spiritual advisor? I'm pushing for my grandma to take me to a psychic fair to get answers from the higher above.

I still have that gut feeling, is it just false hope? A lot of people tell me he might come around so hopefully he does...

Every article I've seen is just "make them wait" kind of stuff.

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Still, confidence is imperative in her position.

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22 hours ago, kayc said:

Still, confidence is imperative in her position.

She's something else. I told her I didn't really want her to ask for his forgiveness but she insisted. It really opened up my emotional wound and didn't help that his family was grieving the loss of somebody important.

I still keep getting the sixth sense feeling that he will come back, I don't know if it's intuition. Did you get that with your ex? 

I see him in my dreams and its not helping very much. It doesn't hurt more or less just makes me want him more. 

I think him breaking up with me had to happen for a reason, I've made friends, I've found myself and I'm learning things everyday, life really isn't fair but you have to keep going because laying down and not getting back up does nothing for me or the people around me.

But I want him back. Maybe he needs to see how good he had it with me. I'm not sure. But my counselor (not our school one) says that I shouldn't wait, move on as if he's not coming back. She said "It's better to be pleasantly surprised than negatively surprised.". I have to understand that sometimes we don't get closure and I should treat it as such. Even if he does come back. I just need to let him and his family heal. I hear "time heals all wounds" and I hope it's true.

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I'd get a real counselor.  I wouldn't trust her with anything.

22 hours ago, themermaidgoddess said:

 

I still keep getting the sixth sense feeling that he will come back, I don't know if it's intuition. Did you get that with your ex? 

No.  When he first made contact I got my hopes up because of how he was acting but then he was yanking me around emotionally all over the place so I put a wall around my heart.  It's a good thing I did, he didn't know what he wanted.

Give yourself time to have some clarity, it takes a while for the emotion to die down and see clearly.  Right now it's clouded with feelings.  Feelings aren't always a good barometer.

I would proceed as if you're broken up (you are).  Sometimes we have to make our own closure. Harder, yes, but it can be done, I've done it, more than once.

 

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On 9/27/2019 at 8:37 AM, kayc said:

I'd get a real counselor.  I wouldn't trust her with anything.

No.  When he first made contact I got my hopes up because of how he was acting but then he was yanking me around emotionally all over the place so I put a wall around my heart.  It's a good thing I did, he didn't know what he wanted.

Give yourself time to have some clarity, it takes a while for the emotion to die down and see clearly.  Right now it's clouded with feelings.  Feelings aren't always a good barometer.

I would proceed as if you're broken up (you are).  Sometimes we have to make our own closure. Harder, yes, but it can be done, I've done it, more than once.

 

Most of the feelings have died down. My emotions say that it's over but something in my gut is telling me it's not. 

Right now I'm focusing on me. What I need to do to make myself better. So if he comes around (or maybe somebody else will who knows?) I am a better version of who I was. I just feel like he's the one that got away.

But life isn't like romance movies where you get closure all of the time. And that's ok. I just gotta keep going. Because there is a me without him.

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15 hours ago, themermaidgoddess said:

Most of the feelings have died down. My emotions say that it's over but something in my gut is telling me it's not. 

Right now I'm focusing on me. What I need to do to make myself better. So if he comes around (or maybe somebody else will who knows?) I am a better version of who I was. I just feel like he's the one that got away.

But life isn't like romance movies where you get closure all of the time. And that's ok. I just gotta keep going. Because there is a me without him.

Good for you!

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22 hours ago, kayc said:

Good for you!

It's sucks though, I keep seeing him in my dreams and I saw a photo from a mutual friend and he looked happy. I still keep getting that sixth sense feeling and I don't know if I should trust my intuition or not.

Still haven't went to his Dad's grave cause I feel like I"m going to see someone there and it's going to start something and I really really don't want that to happen.

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