What's Happening To Me?

[Mary Jo]

I don't know what's happening. It has been 3+ years since my friend died. We shared a home for over 10 years. Both of our parents had died and our sibblings were gone also. We were the only family that either of us had. After she died I went right back to work. Really iwent back to over work. Last December I went to Kenya for 4 months; when I came back I was not working. I started having dreams about Judy. She would go somewhere and I couldn't find her. I would wake up in a panic. After I started telling people aobut this the dereams stopped. Yesterday was so horrible. I had dto go to the Dr., get the car fixed, call a plumber and just everything. This morning I got up to go to church and realized that yesterday was Judy's birthday. I started crying that's all I want to do. I should be over this by now, and here I am crying. I wanted to live alone after she died, but just this week I have been thinking that it would be nice to have someone to share things with. Yet, here I am crying so that I can't do anything today. What wrong with me.

Mary

[shell]

Mary,

There is nothing wrong with you. Grief can last a long time. And as we frequently refer to it on this site, it's a roller coaster ride. It can come and go, you can think you are through it and then, wham, here it comes again. After my dad died, I re-grieved for many people, some that had died over 25 years ago. And I mean grieved....cried buckets and wished with all my heart they were still with me. It has just hit you again, but maybe getting another roomie would help. Now I'm going to play amateur shrink (sorry). Maybe the thought of getting someone new to live with you has spurred this re-grief. Maybe there is some guilt or feelings of betrayal connected to it. But I think if you feel ready to get a new roomie, it may be time and a good thing for you. Just hang in there and examine your feelings.

Good luck,

Shell

[MartyT]

Dear Mary Jo,

First, I agree completely with Shell that there is nothing wrong with you, and it seems to me that what is happening to you now makes perfect sense.

When we don’t take the time to mourn a significant loss in our lives, the grief that we feel doesn’t get resolved; it just goes dormant and lies there until we give it the attention it requires. You say that after your friend Judy died, “I went right back to work. Really iwent back to over work.” I don’t know the circumstances of Judy's death or what actions you took at the time your friend died, what rituals you engaged in to honor and remember her, or whether you ever took the time you needed to mourn her death, but from what you describe, it sounds as if you did everything you could to keep busy, perhaps in an effort to keep at bay your intense feelings of loss. It’s interesting to me that when you came back from Kenya, during the time you were not working (and when you were not keeping busy with the distractions of work), you started having dreams about Judy. It’s as if your unconscious mind took advantage of the pause in your busy life, and found a way to remind you that you still had grief work to do. It’s also interesting that, once you started talking to others about your dreams, the dreams stopped – perhaps an indication that paying attention to your dreams and giving voice to your feelings about Judy’s physical absence in your life was helpful to you.

The way that you remembered Judy’s birthday is an example of how even if we do forget or try hard to forget, our bodies still remember our feelings. On the actual date of her birthday you were too busy and distracted to notice the importance of that day, but the next day, as you were preparing to go to church and were in a different mind-set, perhaps a more spiritual one, your guard was down, your body tuned in and remembered, and you suddenly realized that Friday was Judy’s birthday. Unexpected and unwelcome as they may have been, your tears that followed were a natural and normal reaction. This was simply a sudden upsurge of grief, brought on by the trigger of suddenly remembering what was an important date in Judy's life.

Your post reminds me of a topic that appeared in this forum in April of 2005. The response I posted is addressed to a woman whose father died seven years before, but I think what I said to her will have resonance for you as well, as it deals with the matter of delayed grief. Just click on this link and you’ll go right to my post: Grieving 7 Years After the Death

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Babs55]

Mary Jo,

I just wanted to send you a big hug this morning and tell you that you definitely are not walking alone here. I'm praying that you will be blessed with comfort and peace in knowing that there are others experiencing and walking along with you in all that you are going through.

Much love this day,

Babs

[STARKISS]

Hi Mary Jo,

First of all I just want to say that I agree with what others here have said, Second grief takes on lots and lots of different emotions and lasts along time. Third I wanted to let you know that it does get easier in time... I am just going into the sixteenth month since my mom died and It has been a little easier Take care and I am sending you a hug... Shelley