Having A Very Hard Time Right Now

[KathyD]

Hi all,

As some of you know I lost my beloved father two months ago and although it has been rough it seems to be getting worse. He and I talked at least three times a week but could go for a month or more without meeting; now that it's been two months the realization that I will NEVER see him again is hitting home with a major impact. His birthday is this month (on top of Father's Day) so I did expect the emotions but I feel so alone. I have a lot of friends - one visited last night from Boston and left this morning - but none understand. I do have my mother and brother but the former calls every few days to talk about what is going on with her life and the other only contacts me sporadically. I admit that I'm angry with my mother (I know she's going through the same things that I am on a different level) but I am so tired of listening to her go on and on without asking how I am. I may have mentioned this before in a previous post but it has gotten to the point where I dread her calls. It's so awful to say, I know, but I'm tired of being a sounding board. I do understand that if she asks how I am the emotional channels open for her but on the flip side I've suffered from major depression for over ten years and if I have to continue to play "therapist" I'm going to lose it. I lost it entirely after learning about Dad's death (slitting wrists) and managed to pull it together but am now feeling that I have to be strong when I can't be. Every day I wake up wanting to go back to sleep.

Sorry to ramble, it's been a tough weekend even though I did appreciate my friend visiting and taking me out. The problem is that nothing is the same and because I'm supposedly "strong" due to my struggles with depression there are too many expectations placed on my shoulders. I honestly don't know if I'll ever get over Dad's death - I don't expect to but I didn't think that everyone would believe that I'd be a rubberband and bounce back and be there for people who were never there for me (that's a psychology major for you).

Thanks for listening,

Kathy

[shell]

Kathy,

I know where you're coming from. I have suffered from an anxiety disorder almost my whole life and had to finally go on meds after my dad died. But my mom and my brother expect me to do everything and be strong and handle EVERYTHING! My mom is 85 and took my dads death very hard. She also has arthritis and scoliosis and is frail, so I don't mind doing for her. I love her more than anyone on earth, but sometimes I get angry at her too. I feel like she just doesn't even care if I'm upset, that she doesn't even notice. Then I feel guilty for getting mad at her. It's an endless circle. And my brother I really get mad at. He "helps" a little, but generally tries to avoid it and especially anything emotional. I've found that men (most of them, anyway) just can't stand dealing with any emotional female, no matter if it's their mom or sister or wife, or whoever! He just seems like a spoiled, selfish brat to me at times (and he's 57, by the way, which makes it worse somehow!) and I do get tired of having to do it all.

Try to take some time for yourself. And don't feel guilty. I start to, and then I think, it's ok. I feel like I'm on an endless treadmill sometimes, but I try to believe that things will get better. And we have a right to get angry sometimes, it's only natural.

Try to "sneak away" (like pretend you're not home) and relax and pamper yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs,

Shell

[Charlie1]

Kathy,

Hang in there...one moment at a time...I am a rookie at this but I want you to know that there are people who painfully understand and are rooting for you.

Charlie1

[Paul S]

I'm not sure how great this advice is, but I'll give it a shot.

Since your Mother is dropping a lot of stuff on you, and since it would be hard for you to turn her away, (after all, she's your Mom and obviously needs you) you could screen your phone calls and then return her calls when you are up to it. I know you understand what your Mom is going thru, but you also need to take care of your own sanity or you would be useless to help her (or anyone else). Screen your calls and then work up the attitude to contact her, adopt the right frame of mind. This also helps you to maintain some control over the situation.

You have a lot of your own baggage, and then your Mom gives you some more. This is a declaration of the obvious, but you need an outlet for your own stuff. Your drain needs to be unclogged. I don't recall from other postings offhand, but have you tried grief counseling? There has gotta be a hospice of some other berevement center around where you live where you can get free counseling. It has been a lifesaver for me. Reading helps a lot, just reading about all this stuff helps unclog the drain, so to speak.

Take care, and like charlie1 said, we're all rootin' fer ya. And shell said something great, too. Try sneaking away.

[KathyD]

Thanks so much for all the advice and understanding! Last night for whatever reason was just very tough and although I don't feel much better today I'm glad there are people who know what I'm going through. I wish none of us has to be here, obviously, but there are a lot of things no one else than the people here can comprehend. Paul - I have thought about grief counseling and have looked into hospices in the area, I guess I've just been procrastinating. There is a grief support group at a local hospital but they don't allow you to join until it's been four months since your loved one passed (I suppose they want people who have absorbed some of the loss and aren't in a total state of shock) so I'm thinking about that as well once I reach the four month mark. Shell - I'd love to sneak away, and have actually been planning a trip to London! But that's this September...perhaps I'll take a mini-holiday here and put the blame on you...

[Paul S]

Wow, sneaking away...to London!!! I personally thought just figuratively, you know, like just taking the phone off the hook and hiding under the covers.

I gotta get better at 'thinking outside the box'.

Blaming shell.. now THAT'S funny!!!

But seriously, I can't emphasize enough reading and especially counseling. I got really lucky with my face-to-face- counselor at the Hospice in Syracuse. He's a godsend.

[shell]

Kathy,

Take that mini-vacation and blame away! There are times we really have to be "selfish" (I call it that because that's how ya feel about it! even though it's not selfish) and see to our own needs and emotions before we crack! That was something it took me a long time to learn and it was hard to do. Now I just remember how many times I've read that if you don't take care of yourself, you'll be no good for anybody, so it's really out of love for them that you do it. So you can be there to help.

Hugs,

Shell