I miss my Dad, a lot.

[Elc90]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this whole forum thing! But I wasn't sure what else to do. A friend advised me to maybe start writing a journal as I'm having trouble coping with the fact my Dad's gone. Then I found this online forum and thought maybe instead of writing where no one can see it, why not write where people can reply and maybe share tips, stories and maybe help another person out. So I'm going to start by telling my story. 

I lost my Dad 10th January 2017. I know it sounds like forever ago to other people but it feels like only yesterday to me and my family. He was diagnosed with cancer in mid November, after becoming paralysed down his left side on 29th October 2017. It was a horrible journey for my Dad. Watching a man who was such a hard working, active being go from a happy, funny, ball of energy to someone who had lost 3-4 stone and couldn't move out of his bed was absolutely heartbreaking and still is to even think about it.

After spending a few weeks in The Walton Center in Liverpool, he had his full diagnosis which was Metastatic Melanoma, and a brain tumour the size of a golf ball on his motor cortex part of his brain, he returned home but on palliative care.

He started having seizures at home which eventually led him to being back in hospital. Talking about all of this now is giving me that whole feeling of loss again, you know the one where your heart and stomach actually ache from it all 😭.

On Tuesday 10th January we got a phone call at dinner time to come up to the hospital as my Dad was deteriorating very quickly. His stomach had ruptured and was causing him alot of pain. He was then put on a morphine driver and we done everything possible to be there for him.

I watched and watched him, every breathe he took I thought was his last.

Then at excatly 5:27pm, he took that last breath. 

My whole life froze, everything around me stopped. And I don't feel like it's re started since then.

Every night I go to sleep, I see that image of him in that hospital bed, I see the pain in my families faces, I hear the cries and they just won't go away.

For someone who is a massive part of your life to just be gone withing 10 weeks of diagnosis is an awful feeling and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

I miss him so so much, I feel like I'm stuck at times on the fact my Dad's has died. I feel like I have lost alot of people because of it, it affected a relationship which I'm no longer in, it's affected family relationships, I suffer with anxiety really bad. I just really don't know how to cope with it any more.

People say it gets easier, but does it really? Or is it something I just have to cope with?

I have alot of happy times in my life, but my dad's always there, he's always missing. I'm always thinking about him even when I'm busy doing normal things, having normal nights out with friends etc.

Im hoping that's there's going to be people who understand this story and how I'm feeling, as alot of people around me truly don't understand what it's like losing a parent which isn't their fault, they haven't had the experience and I'm so glad none of them have had too!

 

So please, if there is anyone, feel free to reply and share advice 💜

[kayc]

As we begin to do our grief work, we start our adjustment process to the changes it means for our lives, and to a degree it seems better as in it is no longer the shock it once was and we learn to function without them, but it's never completely "over" either, a certain amount we live with.

I am sorry for your loss...yes we continue to miss them.  I've lost my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, niece, nephew, my husband (that was the hardest), many pets and friends, and recently my dog who has been my companion these past 10 1/2 years and it feels just like when I lost my husband, all over again.  Our relationships are different and as such, our losses will differ in degree and gravity.  I've learned that rather than comparing, to give honor to each loss as it comes.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

There is a course on this site that might benefit you, you can check with the moderator about it.

 

[Kaymb]

I understand this so much. I don’t have all the words right now. 
 

My dad died April of 2017. And I’m still having a really hard time. He had pancreatic cancer and was slowly getting worse (it was a neuroendocrine tumor which is slower acting but found at stage 4 and had metastasized to his liver). I was 25. 9 months after my wedding. My father in law died 5 weeks later.

I still have crazy flashbacks to him in hospice care. He lost so much weight. It was so sad. He was almost a skeleton. It was so weird seeing him this way. And I know he hated it. Especially the last weeks when he’s stopped talking and would only make a moaning sound or a cry of pain. Ugh, it sucks. Sometimes this is the o my image of him I can see. I hate that. I think he would too.

I really struggle with friendships and relationships. No one I know understands what it’s like to watch your healthy, fun, active dad, whom you love so much and have always seen as such a strong person, slowly die...my husband’s dad had a heart attack and it was sudden. And out relationships were different so even his response isn’t that similar.

It isn’t a constant, acute pain as it once was. Sometimes it hits me full-force and I’m a mess. Sometimes it’s just an aching feeling knowing he’s not here. 

I hope it’s normal to always feel him missing. I’m constantly scared I’ll forget. Anything important or happy in my life feel immediately less so due to his absence. It’s so hard. And so confusing. 

I’ve also never done the forum thing. Stumbled on here because I was walking by her room and overheard my mom on the phone and it seems like she may be ready to date again. I want to be supportive and I know she deserves to be happy it’ll just take me a minute. She won’t tell me anytime soon so I am able to take some time to calm my emotions. There’s a lot I haven’t dealt with. And I honestly don’t know how...

 

I Hope this makes some sense.

[kayc]

@Kaymb

I am so sorry...I lost my dad when I was 29 and expecting my first child.  It's hard to lose them so young, so many things we were unable to share together. My dad had many heart attacks and he was in the hospital a month before his last one that took his life.  He was 62 but he looked twenty years older.  A nurse spoke to my mom about "her father."  That pained him.  To her credit, my mom always looked young but still...

I am so sorry for your loss.  Learning to live without your dad leaves a hole in your heart it seems...I was always a daddy's girl.  The person I could count on in life was gone.  

Wow I didn't have to go through my mom dating, that's hard.  My mom was widowed for 32 years and now I've been widowed for over 14. I don't know how I'll make it "the rest of my life,"  it's something I try not to dwell on but it hits me more and more the older I get.  I am growing old alone and feeling vulnerable with in.

I guess that is one good thing about your mom dating, perhaps she won't have to grow old alone.  It put a lot of pressure on us kids to be there for my mom, to be her all, that was tough.  We all lived quite a ways from her so it was hard, especially with us all working.  She broke her leg and it wouldn't heal and we had to drive to her house and take shifts for an entire year!  We used up all our leave and free time, neglecting our families meanwhile.  We found she'd turned down surgery and we were furious!  After she had surgery, she healed.  Every time she had a doctor's appointment, one of us had to be there.  We paid for cab fares for her, she was too afraid to take the bus even though it went right by her.  She was lucky to have kids there for her and to live near a grocery store, her church, her bank, her pharmacy...I do not.  Nor can my kids take off work and drive to me every time I want it...I'm on my own.

You won't forget.  You will always remember every little thing about your dad.  Write down your memories, it not only preserves it but it helps you process your grief.

12 hours ago, Kaymb said:

Anything important or happy in my life feel immediately less so due to his absence.

I understand.  

12 hours ago, Kaymb said:

I honestly don’t know how...

One day at a time.  Let yourself feel your emotions, even if they're painful.  Recognize that your mom's loss and yours are different even though it's the same person.  You are two different people and will go through it differently and that's okay.  

There's no time limit or expiration date on grief, it takes what it takes.