I have just lost my dad - how can I help my mum cope now she is on her own?

[Sophiec123]

Sadly I have lost my dad just over a week ago after a long fight with cancer. My dad fought until the very end and I will miss him everyday, he was the most amazing man I know. Him and my mum were married 36 years and myself and both brothers have all moved out. They spent every minute together and now my dad has gone, I’m not sure how my mum will cope. I have been staying back at home to support her but worry about the day I have to move back to my own home where I live with my partner. I can’t stay at home forever but cannot imagine how she will feel the first night she stays here alone. She couldn’t hold it in any longer about how upset she feels and broke down to me last night, about how she worries about being alone and how sad it in my dad has now gone, which kills me. How can I help her realise she will be okay and how do I go about leaving her alone to stay in the house going forward forever? Please help. We are a very insular family and a strong one, specially my mum who never gets emotional, so for her to be upset I understand things must be bad for her - as that’s not her personality at all.  I am very much the same and worry things will hit me again worse than before, as now things don’t feel real and I still can’t believe my dad has gone.   As my dad was unwell for some time I feel I began to mourn him before he died and even now still don’t feel it’s true or understand it. X

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry for you and your family too. Right now the best advice I can give you is to take this one day at a time. Try not to think if how it will be a week, a month, a year or many years from now. Just focus on staying in the present and getting through whatever needs to be done today. I encourage both you and your mother to experience and to express the full range of your emotions, and know that feelings aren't the same as facts. Reassure her that she is not alone, and together with your family, you will find a way to get through this. Grief is a process, not a single event, and it takes time to get your bearings and to figure out how to get from here to where you're going to be. We are here to act as guides along the way, and to offer reliable information, comfort and support.

I also invite you to read the following:   Helping a Grieving Parent

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Sophiec123 said:

how do I go about leaving her alone to stay in the house going forward forever?

@Sophiec123  I am so sorry you have lost your dad.  I appreciate your concern about your mom.  

My daughter was up visiting when my husband suddenly passed away right after his 51st birthday.  She stayed with me for a little while but began being gone more and more and gradually made that transition to live away from here.  It was natural and to be expected.  Your mom is a grown woman and will figure her way through this so don't be afraid to leave home when the time is right for you.  There are other ways to be there for your mom, by phone, frequent visits.  Little by little they will taper off as she begins to adjust and make her way through this.  It's one of the hardest things she'll ever go through, but it can be done.  My mom was widowed for 32 years, I used to go see her once a week when my kids were young, a little less as they grew and were so involved in things (we lived 60 miles apart) but I always listened to her on the phone a minimum of once a week, sometimes a lot more.  It's up to us, as grownups, to make a life for ourselves we can live and part of parenting is instilling in our children the ability to fly on their own, be independent...sometimes it's painful and hard but part of the process.  

One of the things that will help your mom is if you and her talk about your dad.  My mom always appreciated that about me because she said a lot of people pretended he never existed, but her love was current and she still thought about him every day, just as I have my husband.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve, it doesn't stay the same.

I hope your mom is seeing a grief counselor or going to a grief support group, it can help to get out with other widows, others who understand and get it.  You and her lost the same person, but you each lost a different relationship, so your grief will be unique to each of you.

I hope you feel free to come back here any time, whenever you have questions or need help. 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Sophiec123]

16 hours ago, MartyT said:

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry for you and your family too. Right now the best advice I can give you is to take this one day at a time. Try not to think if how it will be a week, a month, a year or many years from now. Just focus on staying in the present and getting through whatever needs to be done today. I encourage both you and your mother to experience and to express the full range of your emotions, and know that feelings aren't the same as facts. Reassure her that she is not alone, and together with your family, you will find a way to get through this. Grief is a process, not a single event, and it takes time to get your bearings and to figure out how to get from here to where you're going to be. We are here to act as guides along the way, and to offer reliable information, comfort and support.

I also invite you to read the following:   Helping a Grieving Parent

Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot to know you have spent time to reply. I understand, I will certainly take a read if that article now - thanks again xx

[Sophiec123]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

@Sophiec123  I am so sorry you have lost your dad.  I appreciate your concern about your mom.  

My daughter was up visiting when my husband suddenly passed away right after his 51st birthday.  She stayed with me for a little while but began being gone more and more and gradually made that transition to live away from here.  It was natural and to be expected.  Your mom is a grown woman and will figure her way through this so don't be afraid to leave home when the time is right for you.  There are other ways to be there for your mom, by phone, frequent visits.  Little by little they will taper off as she begins to adjust and make her way through this.  It's one of the hardest things she'll ever go through, but it can be done.  My mom was widowed for 32 years, I used to go see her once a week when my kids were young, a little less as they grew and were so involved in things (we lived 60 miles apart) but I always listened to her on the phone a minimum of once a week, sometimes a lot more.  It's up to us, as grownups, to make a life for ourselves we can live and part of parenting is instilling in our children the ability to fly on their own, be independent...sometimes it's painful and hard but part of the process.  

One of the things that will help your mom is if you and her talk about your dad.  My mom always appreciated that about me because she said a lot of people pretended he never existed, but her love was current and she still thought about him every day, just as I have my husband.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve, it doesn't stay the same.

I hope your mom is seeing a grief counselor or going to a grief support group, it can help to get out with other widows, others who understand and get it.  You and her lost the same person, but you each lost a different relationship, so your grief will be unique to each of you.

I hope you feel free to come back here any time, whenever you have questions or need help. 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

Thanks so much for replying to me, I seem some comfort knowing you have been through the same thing with your mother. 

 

Although she is an adult I still feel some responsibility to be here for her as my dad was very much the strong person in our family, and he is no longer here. 

All I can do Is take each day as it comes and hope she finds the strength to move forward. 

 

Thanks again for your reply xxxx

[kayc]

In time she might be receptive to going to a grief support group, maybe you could go with her at first so it wouldn't seem so intimidating to her.  We had no such group in my small town, and after years of gathering information I finally started one and lo and behold a couple more have sprung up since.  I love our group, we have also become friends and go out to eat, talk on the phone, send each other notes, etc.  It helps to have others that get it that you can go to and talk with, and we all learn from each other and draw strength from each other.

You are a good daughter and I applaud your caring, I just don't want you to feel you need to put your life on hold and be responsible for your mom...she probably wouldn't want that either. 

 

[momof3b1g]

My dad just passed Tuesday. I am so worried about my mom too. My brothers are there helping her. But after the funeral they will go home. I live in a different state. I'm sure we will to a lot. But it doesn't help her with everything that will be gone and different now. :/

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Was this sudden?  Try to call your mom on a regular basis, just staying in touch will help her a lot.  Maybe you can direct her to this site?  There's several of us here who have lost our spouse, it helps to have others that get it and understand.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html