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Multiple Losses


Guest So very sad

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Guest So very sad

I didn't know whare to put this topic.

My losses:  I lost my younger brother (suicide-1999), my significant other of 20 yrs (2006), my dad (2009), my daughter (2010), several pets--a bunny and 4 pet birds in between these years) good friend (2017) and now my son ( Nov 2019). 

My aunt just died in July 2019, but I was not as close to her as all the above mentioned.  She was my mom's sister, first of her siblings to die, so I was here to help my mom. But in the same breath, their brother is right now in Hospice. 

My mom lives with me and is almost 89 yrs old.  She is so fragile, and my son (her grandson) just passed away Nov 2019, 13 days ago.  She could be "the next one" at any time, and I am just now processing the death of my son.  My mom is here with me, and I am so thankful I still have her with me.

I already know what you are going to say.  "Get grief counseling"...that is easier said than done. I am still a working person....I work 42 hrs a week with overtime just to get my house paid off so I can retire with comfort without a mortgage payment.  I have approx 23 more months I must work.  If I cut down my hours, it will just take longer to pay off the house, so right now I feel I must continue to " work the plan" I started with. I have 22 more house payments.

With the recent death of my son, I requested this day off so I could have time to grieve.  The day I found out he died, I immediately researched Grief Support groups in my area, and only one is held twice a month on Thursday evenings.  In 2006 with the death of my significant other, and 2010 the death of my daughter, I attended two different evening Grief groups a week, and looked forward to going to them every time.  Unfortunately, those grief groups are not available anymore. I know grief groups help me.

I stated in another post, I found two afternoon Grief groups held weekly. I plan on asking my boss if I can start taking "late and longer lunches" just so I can attend these groups. Someone from this site also mentioned & suggested doing this same thing.  I thank whomever thought of that plan.  Just want that person to know, I did think of the same thing,  I plan to ask my boss on Monday or I may call him this weekend to see if this plan will be possible.

Cutting my hours is going to affect my paycheck, and will cause me to have to work a few months longer than planned,  but I personally know I need these groups. I need people. I need to be around people.  I need people who have gone through the deaths of people they love.   I do not have any close friends in this town anymore.  They have either died or moved to a different state.

Those who have moved away proved to me they really were not my friends.  I was the one who contacted them.  When the phone numbers or emails wouldn't work anymore.....I just knew.

So, getting back to the present moment, I am home today, I should be at work, but I asked my boss for this day off to have a long weekend.  I think just sitting here typing helps me a lot. Sometimes I sit here an write, and I end up not sending it.  I copy and paste it to my work documents.  I decided to create a journal.  I did not do that with my daughter or significant other.

I feel so weird.  Sometimes I think my son is still alive and then in a split second, I realize he is not here. This is so hard. The DIL hasn't returned my phone calls.  She lives in a different state, and lives with a man--has been for 7 years. My son and she were not divorced, not even legally separated through Court. I do not respect the way she lives.

So very sad

 

 

 

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I am hoping you'll think of a way to get some help as you need that very much for yourself and you owe it to yourself to take this positive step.  There are some counselors that counsel by phone, while in person seems better, phone is better than nothing, I hope you'll keep exploring options.  I suggested longer lunch breaks because sometimes that's a better alternative to a boss than simply taking the day off...perhaps they could let you make up for it by working late?  IDK, it's worth asking.

All of my friends disappeared on me when my husband died, that stunned me!  It takes much time and effort to make new friends, esp. at this stage of life (I was 52 when it happened) but I'm finally there.  I actually got several invites for Thanksgiving this year and would have had more had I not made definitive plans.  That means a lot to me.  I walk my neighbor's dog so I'm out in the neighborhood every day, I've become more acquainted with my neighbors and recently joined a "Community Choir" one of them started.  Everything you do with people helps you network and make friends.  I know you have your mom to be there for so don't have a lot of time between working and that, but things will change for you when you retire and believe me, those couple of years will go faster than you think.  I've been retired over six years now and it feels like just yesterday I was commuting 100 miles a day and working full time plus.  I was on salary so didn't get paid extra for overtime.  (I think Trump is making a change to how that works.)  When you do retire, make sure to get out there more, I help at the senior site a couple times a week, or did until I injured my shoulder, but I'll be back doing what I was doing as soon as it's finished healing.  I go to church and that is great at extending your contacts, I joined a ladies group that meets once a week, and another that goes out of town once a month.  I am the Treasurer for my church, I'm on the Praise Team.  Whatever you can do to be around people.  I try to have a mixture of being out and being home, I'm probably home all day once or twice a week, and am out a few hours other days, have evenings at home.  You'll find what works for you, we're all different, but we need that balance that is right for us.

I, too, have had a lot of losses, not a child, at least not the same...I raised my first husband's child until he was three, when we divorced I no longer had contact with him and his bio mom took him to another state, it was years before I had contact with him again...we are still in contact today although he's in another state.  But while he was out of my life it was horrible because I didn't know how he was, if he was with Jesus I would at least know he was okay, but then again he wasn't dead so even though I didn't know I had hope of seeing him again, I did.  No comparison, I know, to losing your child that you raised and loved, I can't imagine, too much, you've had way too  much, more than anyone should have to bear.  My heart really goes out to you.  I lost my niece and nephew, both parents, my oldest sister, my husband, many pets and friends, and recently my companion dog who was everything to me.  The hardest was my husband and recent dog loss.  They were in my lives every day and their losses affected everything in my life.  I've heard from others that their parent was their hardest, but of course a child would be even more so.

My DIL is a good mother, so at least there's that, but she doesn't have anything to do with me even when I visit, it's hard.  But I do my best regardless for my son and grandchildren's sake, don't know what else I can do honestly.  She's chummy with my little sister so she'll babysit the kids whenever she wants, I don't live as close by.  It hurts but I live with it.

Yes I see how you arrived at your username, it is so very sad.  Keep exploring on ways to get help.  Google phone counselors or call counselors and ask them if they know of anyone who'd do it by phone or after hours.  Don't give up, you are worth this help that you need, you deserve it, I hope you'll value yourself enough to keep exploring avenues.  And keep coming here, I'll be here.

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Guest So very sad

kayc & MartyT:

Thank you both so very much for your information. 

MartyT: I went immediately to Compassionate Friends and filled out info to get a packet they will email to me.  I need all the help I can get right now. 

kkayc:  Thank you for suggesting that I work longer hours to make up for the time I will lose going to the grief groups.  IF my boss will allow me to take off at the times I need on two different afternoons of the week, that suggestion to work longer hours will work for me IF my boss will let me do that.  I still need to ask him about doing this.

Changing the subject:  I can't figure out how to get the quote box to work.  I click the box,  then write, then think it has posted.   I tried twice, and it "just goes away", I have to log in again, go to find it, and it never does post.  It doesn't matter.  This way works better for me now.At least it works.

kayc--yes, I did get my sons' photo project completed.  I feel better now that I have a photo of him--it is sitting next to his sister's picture, but it is so hard to look at them.  They both had such beautiful blue eyes, and the photos makes them look like they have darker almost gray eyes. 

I loved looking into Joe's eyes. Since he was alcoholic, that was the only way I could tell if he was lying to me about drinking.  When he was sober, his eyes had the light of God in them. This is how I will remember him. 

I do thank God he was sober when he died.  They found no alcohol or drugs in him at the autopsy.  When he left my home to move closer to his sons, he made sure he was "cancer free" because he had had testicular cancer eight years ago.  They had to remove one testicle.  This made him embarrassed, and this is what caused him to drink.  His wife couldn't take it, and kicked him out of the house with a "not legal"--no Court involved" separation for eight years.  Soon after, she chose another man to move in with her. So, no contact with my 2 grandsons for the past eight years.

I know deep down I have anger for her, but I just keep forgiving her every time I think about wanting to get angry about what she did.  My faith in God is helping me.

So very sad

 

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You are doing the right thing by forgiving...not so much for her as for yourself, you don't want to allow her the power to change you and holding resentment does just that.  You sound like a wise person.  

I used to have a friend who made it very hard for her kids' dad to see them, she talked bad about him to them when they were growing up.  She did this with two husbands.  When the kids were grown they got to know their dad and grandparents on their own and it didn't take much for them to figure out who was in the wrong here.  Hold onto that, these kids will likely want to resume contact with you when they are able.  I'm sorry for what she's putting you all through.

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Guest So very sad

Thank you kayc, for your kindness.  By forgiving the DIL every time a bad thought comes into my head, I get through the thought....

I am sure the DIL has told my grandson's many many things against my son Joe--for 8 years.  

And, to "top it all off"---the DIL THINKS he died from---- her words"the cancer must have come back".  Oh, how wrong she is.  The coroner stated he died of natural causes--his heart "just stopped".  She is trying to put blame on anything but her own self.

Joe, before he made the move to be closer to his sons, made sure his physical was clean he had said.  For two years, his checkups came back--"the cancer is gone". He was so good about getting his cancer checkups every year.  Always the doctor said the cancer did not spread-no remission--it is gone. Then he made the big move to be near his sons. 

IF the doctor would have found more cancer in those 8 years, I am sure Joe would have stayed with me longer than the past two years he was with me.  The DIL certainly wouldn't have wanted to take care of him. She's the one who kicked him out of the house.

I am glad I found your website.

So very sad

 

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