I lost my mother in March this year

[PeteKL]

I feel like I am absolute rubbish. Mum and I fought verbally on an off over the years. Despite this on and off complicated relationship, we stayed close until her dementia became so bad that I couldn't stand being around her anymore. I'm 56 and mum passed away when she was 75. It was 2 days until her 76th Birthday. Mum was sending me angry emails and she was accusing me of breaking into or trying to break into her house. We'd had a big falling out in early 2018 and I was avoiding her. The police had advised me to only visit her if I had a witness. They even advised me to leave town which I eventually did. 

The last time I had spoken with mum, I asked her to leave my house. She refused and I rang the cops on her. The told her over my phone to leave me alone. She left quietly without a word. I walked into my back yard to avoid her. I am crying now just recalling it. The last time I saw her alive was on the main street. I avoided her then because I didn't want conflict. I was still upset with her too. 

She had been put into hospital last year without my knowledge. I had blocked her phone number and her email address so she couldn't 'harrass me'. I had no idea how bad her dementia had become in the months I have avoided her. I moved town and about a month later, a hospital staff member told me that mum had passed away. I rushed off back to her town. I broke down in tears when I met the staff member. He told me that they had found out that mum had developed cancer of the uterus while in hospital or before being admitted. Mum had left the hospital a number of times. Some neighbous found her in a park near the back of their house, wondering around completely lost. She was only a minutes walk from her home. God :((. I feel so ashamed and guilty for getting so upset with her and calling her names too. I feel like I should die. It's been 8 mths since she passed away. The hospital staff couldn't give me a cause of death. They said she died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep due to a system shutdown. I presume they meant that the dementia and the cancer had caused her to die in her sleep. The doctor told me that it was best that I hadn't visited her before her death because of her mental condition. I'll never know. 

The same doctor had called me at my new address in my new town that he wanted to know if I wanted to hear about my mother. This was the week before she died. I told him I only wanted to know about her if she became seriously ill or died. I feel so cold hearted for saying that to him. 

When  I wake up in the morning, there are sad old songs playing in my head. I rush to the kitchen to sob so that neighbors can't hear me in the apartment next door. I realise every day that mum is gone forever. She used to tell me I'd miss her when she is gone. How right she was. If only we hadn't had so many arguments. If only I had told her that I loved her. I did care for her despite our complicated relationship. I took her to doctors etc. Most of the time, we go along fine. She was my one and only family ever. I have never married or had kids. I wouldn't want them if they turned out like me. 

Edited December 4, 2019 by PeteKL
I left some information out

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry for your loss. As you say, your relationship with your mum was complicated, so it's no surprise that the grief you're experiencing now is complicated too. I don't know what resources might be available to you where you live, but I hope you'll consider meeting with a qualified grief counselor who can help you sort through the guilt that you are feeling now. I also invite you to read this article, as I think it could have been written just for you: Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother. As I've stated in that piece, when there are significant problems in a relationship and one of the parties dies, a lot of business is left unfinished, including arguments unresolved, words unspoken, questions unanswered, and love undeclared. As the survivor, you are left hanging in mid-air, unable to complete your relationship with the deceased, unable to mourn, and stuck in the pain of your grief. The challenge then becomes finding ways that you might finish some of that unfinished business. If you read the entire article, be sure to note all the resources listed at the base. 

You say that you wouldn't want kids if they turned out to be like you. I hope you'll consider the fact that how you "turn out" is completely up to you, and your life isn't over yet. You still have the opportunity to be the man you wish to be ~ and you might consider that as the best way you could honor your mother.  ❤️

[kayc]

5 hours ago, PeteKL said:

I feel so cold hearted for saying that to him. 

Only you aren't cold-hearted, as your post shows, you were in survival mode, trying to protect yourself from her verbal assaults.  My mom had Stage 4 Dementia and died from it five years ago...she also had Leukemia, which they didn't treat because they considered her dementia would get her first.  But prior to my mom's dementia, she had many personality disorders, it wreaked havoc on us life-long as she abused us.  We had to learn to set boundaries and were not wrong in doing so, we did so for our sanity and protection and that of our kids'.  Just as you did.  You feel some guilt for entering into her verbal assaults...you are human and we all have a breaking point.  I say that not to excuse it for I know you don't, but to ask you to consider forgiving yourself.  You might write your mom a letter telling her how you feel and asking her to forgive you also.  By now they are made right, no longer tormented by distorted perceptions and voices, free at last and in a happy state of mind, thankfully.  You'll get no judgment here, only understanding and our hearts softly consider all you've been through.  Some will never know what this is like, I'm glad for them, but it's quite a journey, I know.  I am very sorry for your loss.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html