Help

[DeeJayCee]

My Goddaughter passed away on Tuesday of last week.
She was 2. It was very sudden (admitted to hospital Saturday night prior) and after suspected meningitis, which was ruled out after blood tests, she died in the early hours of the following Tuesday morning 26th November 2019.

Her father is my best friend and he called my wife as he couldn't bring himself to tell me directly and we went to the hospital.

On and off (mostly on) we've been with him, staying over, laughing, crying and just doing our best to be there when he wants us and not when he doesn't.

I haven't really begun to grieve yet but I will allow myself to do that in due course. 

I've read every article and blog I can find, spoken to all my friends and colleagues who've had similar experiences, but at the moment and seemingly ongoing for the immediate future, I am the only person outside his immediate family who he is letting in. 

That alone is an honour, to know he needs me over anyone else in his life to comfort him, and I know I'm doing enough that he's keeping me close and still letting me in over a week later, and I'm so thankful I can afford to take the month off work as I'm self employed and fortunate enough to have enough savings to cover an income free month on my mortgage, but all that said and done... I have absolutely no f***ing idea how I am supposed to actually help him and it's hurting me so much to know I'm basically winging it, knowing that me being the only one on his inner circle gives me the power to ultimately help shepherd him through to the next stage in life where he tries to move on and finds a purpose again.

Some basics:
He lives at home, so rent isn't an issue and his parents are financially solvent enough to support him indefinitely.
He and the mother of the little girl aren't together, they weren't when she got pregnant either, but they have a very genuine love for one another and they're doing a good job of supporting one another through this week without any blaming.
The autopsy showed a viral infection causing multiple organs to fail, so they have some comfort in the harsh reality that it wasn't something they could have prevented themselves.
His parents are emotionally closed. They're full of love, but they struggle to vocalise it and it's a hard journey for them all to begin to grieve ad express themselves while going through the same crushing sadness too.

That's all I can think to say.

I'm at a loss as how to help him and I just need to know what my priorities ought to be and how to implement them without pushing too far and cutting myself off from being his only lifeline right now.


I'm sorry, because I'm sure you've all experienced this or something similar. I can't imagine it's easy to relive. I just need advice from you all at this time.


Love to you all

[kayc]

9 hours ago, DeeJayCee said:

I have absolutely no f***ing idea how I am supposed to actually help him

You are doing it, by just showing up, being there for him.  Too often people spout all the wrong things, things that are hurtful and not helpful, in their efforts to bring us comfort, which do anything but.  Some things just aren't fixable.  He needs to feel his pain to process it.  What we grievers need most from people is that they be there, they listen, they care.  They can do something tangible like mow the lawn or bring a casserole, but there is nothing they can say or do that will make things as they were before, nothing they can do to fix the situation.  That one thing is out of our power.  Eventually when all is said and done we have but to learn to live with all of the changes it means for our lives, as abhorrent as it feels.

I am so sorry for your loss...for his.  You are a wonderful friend, just keep on being.  All of my friends disappeared at the beginning of my grief, I'm glad he has you and you're not going anywhere.

There is a beginning to grief, but no ending, but it does evolve as we process it.  There is no time limit on our grief, for we will carry it with us throughout our lives, it may manifest different from one person to the next, but his life has changed forever, he will make his way through this somehow, but it's not a journey for the fainthearted, that's for sure.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm
http://emilyrlong.com/how-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/

[MartyT]

Helping Another In Grief: Suggested Resources

When Death Happens: Tips for Helping the Mourner 

What to Say (or Not) to A Person In Grief

Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support