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Feeling Alone With My Pain

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I feel very alone with my pain..... I am loosing patience with well meaning people who ask how is your Mother doing? Don't get me wrong I love my Mother and I know she too is in great pain but I want someone to notice my pain too! I feel ashamed somehow that it is bothering me so much. I am also loosing patience with people who say well it must be so much better for you know that your Father is no longer suffering.

I want to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and shout to the world. Hello, I hurt too! I miss my Father so very much. I miss being able to read to him, to touch him, to massage his legs and arms.

I can not stop thinking about how he looked in the end. Forgive me if this difficult for anyone but I just must talk about it. My Father's eyes developed quite a bad infection at the end, plus he had cataracts. He also had an infection in his mouth and throat. He was given a medication called atropine to help dry up the secretions which caused additional sores in his mouth. My Father's chest was concave from all the weight he had lost. I am just now realizing how at the time I did not really see how bad my Father looked those last 12 days, I just saw my Father. My Father developed what some of the nurses called a death rattle with his breathing. I find myself waking up at night in a sweat remembering what is was like to hear that sound.

I am wondering if this is normal.

I had to be there with my Father those last 12 days and I would do it again in a heartbeat. There was a special closeness that happened that I can not really convey with mere words. It is just one of those things that you just wouldn't know unless you have been through it.

I am looking for a group to attend in my area because I believe need help. I find myself unable to work and no desire to much of anything.....thanks for listening/reading......

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First, let me say I am so sorry for your pain. I know exactly where you are coming from. I, too, love my mom with all my heart, and know how much pain she is in and have been trying everything I can think of to help her through it. But I feel also that my pain has been ignored by many and all they ask is "How's your mom?" And I also feel guilty and petty letting it bother me, but sometimes I need a little TLC too. So don't feel guilty, it's a normal reaction.

I also was there constantly with my dad and was his main caregiver, because my mom was too frail and upset to be of much help, even though she tried her best. And my dad lost a lot of weight and went into the death rattle too. It haunted me for a long time, but thankfully I was able to eventually let those memories fade somewhat and shut them out. It is so distressing to see the physical changes occur. And, yes, there is a special closeness that developes when you are in that position. I'm so glad I was able to be around and take care of him.

I don't know how long it has been since your dear father died, but it will get easier to cope with as time goes by. You never get over it, but you learn to cope better. So just hang in there and come to this board and vent. Believe me when I say that all the people here are thinking of YOUR pain and can relate and sympathize with it.



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Hi Sunstreet,

After reading your post I felt that I could have written most of it because I know exactly where you're coming from. I lost my Dad almost three months ago (it's recently become even more difficult to deal with if that's possible) and I also constantly get questions about how my Mom is doing. I know people mean well and think that if I "look OK" I must be OK but I'm not, far from it. I love my Mom and have tried to be there for her but finally had to write her (it was impossible to talk about on the phone) and tell her that while I love her I had built up so much anger against so many people regarding their perceived pettiness that I needed time to myself to be THERE for myself. I felt guilty at first even though I tried to explain that everyone deals with grief differently and that I just couldn't sit and listen to the same small quibbles every day when I was suffering, especially since no one seemed to take that into account. I realize that people probably don't know what to say - I'm really tired of "how are you doing?" because I want to yell "how do you THINK I'm doing?!!!" but I know they mean well and might ask about my Mom to either protect themselves from my having a breakdown or because they don't know what else to say.

I also remember how my Dad looked in the days before he died and can't get the vision out of my head. He was doing fine a week before I lost him - I remember sitting in his hospital room discussing politics and books with him, and him saying that he was looking forward to taking a trip to see his 1 year old nephew this summer. Then four days later I got a call that he was in the ICU. His chest had caved in, his breath was raspy and he was shaking like a leaf...it was awful to see. He clutched at my hand and told me I was the only one who knew how he felt (I've had depression all my life and have wanted to end it more than one) but to see him go from vibrant and playing golf one month to the way he was at the end was horrible. I hadn't thought about it much until recently and now it seems to be in my mind constantly - I think it's the third month thing again. So you're not alone to be thinking these thoughts. It's hard not to.

I'm probably going into counseling soon myself. Saturday I was so upset that I spent the day sobbing and wondered whether I could get through this. I'm so glad for the people on these boards as they have been the only ones who truly understand. Keep posting sunset, I feel your pain like it's my own.


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I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. It really helps to know that I am not alone with my feelings. It normalizes things for me to know others have expierenced similar feeelings and had similar thoughts. I feel sad though that then that means others are also feeling the great intensity of the pain.

Thank you so much for your reply and I will keep posting.



I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Thank you so much for your reply. My Father passed away on May 8, 2006. It has been just over one month but it feels like an absolute eternity. Thank you for sharing that your Father had the death rattle too and that those memories have faded for you. It gives me hope that those memories will fade for me as well.

Thank you, Sunstreet

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Your loss is so recent that it will take time to cope with it, but try to believe me when I say things will get "better", in the sense that you will be able to handle and work through your feelings, and bad memories will fade as time goes by. They will always be with you, but just a little blurry. I know how hard the first year is and how you feel so overwhelmed (this is for you too, Kathy). Just go with the flow, no matter what that may be and take one moment at a time. My thoughts are with you both.



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Shell and Sunstreet,

I can totally understand.

My Dad had passed from COPD. Basically severe Asthma, Bronchidus and empheseema(sp).

It was at the point where he was in the hospital ICU units every two weeks.

I was with him Thursday 5/25/06 in the Nursing home with Mom and one of my older sisters. We had what turned out to be, his final supper with him. When I left I did my ritual which was get them both fresh ice water hug them both and kiss them both good bye. That night I told my Dad goodbye, kissed him and said I love you Daddy.

I came home and spoke to my oldest sister and told her that before the weekend(Memorial day), was over we would be in the hospital as Dad did not look that great.

The next morning, Friday 5/26/06 at 8:52am, a time which is ingrained in my mond for what seems like forever, I received the call form the nursing home and drove to the hospital where he was pronounced DOA.

People ask me how I am doing? I look at them and ask how do you think and usually start getting teary eyed. Having seen Dad go through so much in a way it is a relief to know he is at peace. I still do miss him terribly and usuallyend up crying uncontrolably. I am glad that we can gather strength from each other and be here, for each otehr. I too am going to go into counseling to get through this.

I would like to share a quote from a card I received from my co-workers. this quote seems to help me find some peace.

"His Journey's Just Begun" by E Brenneman

"Don't think of him as gone away--

his journey's just begun,

life holds so many facets--

this Earth is only one.

Just think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears

in a place of warmth and comfort

where there are no days or years.

Think how he must be wishing

that we could know today

how nothing but our sadness

can really pass away.

And think of him as living

in the hearts of those he touched...

for nothing loved is ever lost--

and he was loved so much."

Hugs to all


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  • 1 month later...

Hi All,

I can not imagine the pain and sadness you are all feeling but it seems that we do share in some feelings of grief. I too are feeling like I am alone with my pain. my mom died in April of 2005 while we were on vacation in Las Vegas it was unexpected and such a surprise. My dad died in August of 2005 and again it was very unexpected. One week after the funeral of my dads my siblings had a real estate agent go through their house. I was the only one who lived at home with my parents until the day they died. I was with them for forty years. My dog who lived with us since she was five weeks old was given to my brother. My dog is now seven years old, and I rarely get to see her. I had to quit my job because I had to relocate leaving it all behind. I have lots of pain still and find it hard to talk to family about it they have all moved on with their own lives and seem to want to forget. So maybe we can all help each other through this wonderful website Take care all and I will pray for you Shelley

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