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Seven Months, I Can't Believe It

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I know that seven months, is not a year, but today marks seven months since Larry died. I've spent most of the day by myself remembering him and not one single phone call has asked or even noticed that this day was hard. I wanted to share something to see what the rest of you may offer for help with this. Larry was told he was dying by the doctors when he was alone but we did not know this. He couldn't bring himself to tell us and he was gone in a matter of days. We found out after his death that he had been told. We weren't expecting this, much less so suddenly. My heart aches that the doctors told him this while he was by himself, and he knew our dreams and lives together were going to be over. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. What was he feeling, was he suffering with heartbreak like I am now, knowing he was going to leave us? Was he scared? I can't stand those thoughts and his face haunts me every nite. I wake up all night long remembering those last few days. I still can't come to terms with this. I want to be with him. I don't want a life without him.

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My heart aches for you. These anniversary’s and thoughts about what our loved ones were thinking and feeling do have a tendency to eat at you – I know they eat at me as well having to watch my Jack suffer – and he had also lost his sight so early in the illness – its still haunts me – having to not only endure the cancer and a terminal illness – but to also having to do it without sight. I too cannot get these images out of my mind – try as I do.

I think out loved ones who are dying somehow came to a certain level of peace with what they are facing. Larry was probably trying to spare you the pain of knowing he was dying – perhaps his not telling you was his final loving gift to you. I’m sure he had only the best of intensions in mind. Jack’s face also haunts me – with his eyes looking back at me. He thought he could see (Cortical Blindness) when in reality he saw nothing. It is still hard for me to get past the days of illness – the slow progressive deterioration - and remember the good and healthy times. I feel what you are writing in your message. I know it is so very painful.

I am so determined now to carry on Jacks legacy – and live my life with him integrated fully into my own. The book “The Heart of Grief” by Thomas Attig has really helped me get a new perspective on this whole process. I highly recommend it.

Please know I am thinking of you and the pain you are feeling. You have always written me such kind and warm messages. Please take care of yourself - and always know that we all did the best we could given the circumstances that each of us faced – and our loved ones certainly knew how much we loved them – and still do. Lets take them with us into tomorrow – and live our lives in memory of the kind and loving people they were. Lets remember Larry and Jack - and each of our loved ones – by living the best life possible – and carry the best of who they were forward. I know it’s easier said than done – but it’s really the only positive choice we have.

I am always here for you – Please take care.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

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Thanks Dusky, for your words, I knew you would help me. I know Larry was trying to spare me. I saw him looking at me and my heart knew something was happening but my mind couldn't go there. I just would have wanted to help him, to hold him and comfort him and not let him die keeping this to himself. I know that he probably felt that it was a loving thing, to try to spare me. I guess I don't understand how he could have come to some peace about it, just like I'm doing now myself, with not finding any peace. He had to come to grips with the dreams we shared weren't going to happen and he did that by himself. Maybe it's me, thats having the struggle, not him. My heart is so broken without him. I hope he knows I would have tried to help him. Deborah

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He knows - without a doubt - that you would have tried to help him and comfort him. Your love shines through in every thing you say.

Here - for you - alwasy - Take care,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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Guest PattiZ54

Larrysgirl - I think we all have our "haunts" about the last days with our loved ones. You will think about them now and then, but you just can't beat yourself up about it. There wasn't anything any of us could have really done to help. I know I kick myself all the time because we didn't pay more attention to his health problems and by the time we did I know in my heart that there wasn't anything anyone could have done. My husband spent his last two days on this earth on a respirator in a medically induced coma and I live with those visions all the time - it hurts. At one point he was "concious" enough to make jestures or to "look" at you and I know he was trying to tell me that he was done and to just let him go. The rememberance of him transitioning to the respirator is horrible - he had a really bad time and his sister and I think he had a heart attack right before they put him on it. The look on his face just tears me up when I think about it. It was a look of panic and fear and I would have done anything to have spared him that. We all would have! I promised him that I would not let him stay alive by machines and I kept my promise - that is going to have to carry me through this lonely life I'm in without him. He was the best husband and I love him and miss him so much!!!

You have to know that Larry didn't want you to worry or to have to know what the doctors had told him. I know that my husband kept things from me so that I wouldn't have to indure anymore than I was. They did this because they loved us so much. Now, in turn, you have to go on with living the best life you can for Larry. That is truly what he would have wanted.

As Dusky said, we are here for you. We will all get through this together!

My thoughts are with you. Take care.


(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

Happy 17th anniversary, yesterday!

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As said above, many of us have our "haunts" about the last days...I feel the same way...George was also told by his doctors while he was alone, that his heart muscle was so damaged and there was no cure for that...he most likely would not have made it through the surgery for the plugged arteries and even if he had, probably would not have survived a wait for a transplant, and who knows if he would have even been a good candidate for that? There was no time, because he found out Sat. eve. about his prognosis and Sun. eve. he died...I too wish I had been there through everything, but he chose to spare me until the end...I was gone to my sisters' reunion...he spared me as if I could enjoy myself while he was in the hospital! It haunts me and haunts me...yet I know he meant well, and I only knew what I was told...at some point I have to reconcile myself to the fact that:

1) He knew I loved him more than anything in the world and would have done anything for him and been there for him in any way I could

2) I know he loved me more than anything in the world and thought he was making the best decisions he could for me and always meant well even when I didn't agree with those decisions when I learned of them

3) I have to forgive myself for not being there when I would have wanted to be by his side each and every moment clear up until his death

4) I have to forgive him for not telling me everything sooner

5) I don't think I need to forgive the hospital staff for having kicked me out when he was having his final heart attack...I don't really care about their policies, I was his Little One, his life, and he would have wanted me there.

It is so hard to reconcile death with the one that we loved more than life itself.

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