Could Someone Who Has Lost Their Dad Recently Help Me Understand?

[wacked612]

I want to support my gf as she lost her dad to cancer about 4 months ago. However, she tends to run and not want to talk at all. Can anyone help me understand? I don't want to pressure her, but I don't want her to feel alone.

[Jester]

The fact that you posted here tells me you do feel a lot for this girl. There are many articles in the lastest news section that might help you understand. When something like this happens to other people, one can only imagine what they are going through, and I have learnt that imagination may not be so infinite after all, because I fell short on my imaginings.

What she is going through is an emotional blow so huge that it is shaking every conceivable aspect of her life. And when in the denial stage, more and more things pop up, for example, we know that person is lost, but we never think about father's day and how hard it will be until father's day is here. This first year is full of "first times": The first father's day without him, first birthday without him, first Christmas without him, etc. etc. etc., it is adjusting time. One needs time to adjust to 1) the absence, 2) the many things we are not going to do with that person ever again, 3) in some cases where people depended on the person gone, somethings change drastically, like dropping out of school to get a job to help with money issues, etc.

I don't know what the case is with your GF, but she does need time to 1) understand her loss, 2) cry her loss, 3) accept her loss. It is a process that consist of many stages, and I assure you, if you don't quite understand what is going through her head, neither does she at this time. Time, patience... Do read a bit on those articles I told you about, it gives you a little insight on the bereaved person's experience.

Good luck.

[shell]

Wacked,

Great advice from Jester. Although I lost my dad a year and three months ago, I can tell you that when it happened I didn't call anyone to tell them. I just couldn't talk about it for at least three months. The one thing that was said to me (by only one person, by the way!) that made me feel better than anything else was "Shell, you know you can call me anytime, even at three in the morning". It made me feel cared about and understood and secure. So, you just have to hang in there and play it one moment at a time, let her know she can call you anytime, and be patient. Right now she is probably totally confused and in a fog and not even thinking straight. It is hard to watch someone suffer and not be able to help, but I'm afraid grief is somewhat a solitary journey. And don't take her "rejection" of your help personally, she'll come around eventually and reach out to you, I'm sure.

I'd also like to say that it is wonderful to see posts like yours. To see people are really wanting to support and help someone they care about. If you read some old posts, you'll see that many people found their friends and even loved ones weren't there for them. So the fact that you are concerned enough to post here is truly a statement about what a loving person you are.

Good luck,

Shell

[wacked612]

I know what you mean about the 'firsts'. It happened at Valentines, then again on her birthday and Father's Day all in one week. She said as much about it being something she had to do on her own. She's been under a lot of stress with her mom as well. Being the only child, it has now become her responsibilty to take care of her mom emotionally. Plus, her mom wants to keep me far away from her daughter. lol

I appreciate you sharing your experiences. It does help me to see that I am doing all I can by respecting her request for time alone. It's probably also helping to reduce friction between her and her mom which can only lower the stress level.

[star0422]

I lost my DAd 2 months ago and grief will come in different stages. Don't try and force her to talk about something that she has not come to terms with. I was very fortunate in that when I was ready to talk my loved ones were there to listen...I hope this helps.

[wacked612]

star0422,

Yes, it does help. She told me about a month ago that she knew that she had been avoiding it. I think "it" finally caught up with her. There's nothing worse than someone who thinks they know how you should deal with something and pressures you to do it "their" way. So, I know that it's one of those times I just have to be patient and let her find her way back. Knowing the close relationship she had with her dad, it's going to be hard. I keep hearing everyone say..just let her know you are there for her if/when she needs you. So..that's what I'll keep doing. I feel like I am on the sidelines when I should be in the fight. So I struggle with realizing this isn't my fight, and I can't really do much to help her win, except never leave her side (whether that is literal or figurative).

Thanks for sharing your experience. I realize I am on the opposite side from most of you who have experienced the loss. I do so appreciate the way you all shed light on the situation for me.

[shell]

Wacked,

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. And realizing it is not your fight is very important. I tried so very hard to help my mom with her grief after my dad died and I finally had to realize that she has to do it herself. I'm there for her always, but I can't really "help" her get through it. And, yes, it is very hard to sit by and watch someone grieve and not be able to do anything about it!

Shell

[wacked612]

Shell,

I am a fighter, and extremely passionate about the people/issues that matter to me. Unfortunately, in this situation, there is no enemy (but death..and there is no winning there). I have grown a lot in over the past several years and understand that sometimes the best thing to do is just be calm/quiet when things fall apart. By staying in control, it helps others feel more secure. There are no words that can make this situation better or resolve it. So sometimes less is more. When I have to fight, it's with myself to stand still and breathe deeply, and know that in the end, she will emerge from the battlefield. I'd put my money on her every time.

[jathh]

Hiya

at least you are trying to understand, I lost my Dad a year ago, left my job, trying to work it out, met a guy, who now calls me 'unstable' - but not unstable enough to lend money from!! Just shown me, when it hits, it hits. All the best to you for being so understanding, it will work out.

I hope this will help. Losing your Dad is like losing your best friend. In a man's world, which this is, losing your Dad is like losing the only man that ever loved you. The only man who knew you, the only man who ever cared about you. Losing your Dad is the worst nightmare you ever had.

[wacked612]

jathh,

Your explanation of the impact brings it all into focus. I actually had to prove over time that I wasn't going anywhere.

Sometimes we see instability because we don't know what to expect. The rules change in the middle of the game. Then there is the expression of emotion that we don't always know how to handle. (How's that for an understatement? lol) One of the reasons I wanted to learn from those who could at least give me a glimpse of what she is going through is because I know she can't tell me.

Thanks for sharing your insight and experience. I am sorry for both your losses.

[jathh]

Wacked,

thankyou, because believe me, I am trying to regain any faith in human nature that I ever had. I believe you are really trying with your girl, it will work out for you both don't worry.

You say 'we see instability because we don't know what to expect' but I say to you that the guy I 'chose' to deal with I suspect knew full well what to expect, and has simply taken advantage, and is somehow taking pleasure in putting me down as much as possible. I will no longer communicate with him. I have to confess that I feel sorry for him in a way, his own father was not very loving, and although he is dying, and asking to see his son, he will not go and visit him, despite my attempts to try to get him to do that. I feel sad that he has no love in his heart because he was never shown love in this world. You obviously have been, think yourself lucky! The 'relationship' with this guy, and any guy like him, is now over for me, all that is left is trying to get my money back! And I know that somewhere my Dad is saying yes, go girl!

This particular guy seems to hate women, and there seem to be many men like that out there. He doesn't seem to care for his mother, or anyone at all, just himself. Its very sad, not what I needed, but at least I have learnt something and hope I will be stronger and wiser for it.

[shell]

jathh,

I am so happy to hear you are dumping this guy! Paul (another good guy like wacked who posts here) posted a while ago to all of us single women that we needed to be careful we didn't get hooked up with men who would use our current vunerability for their own purposes. Very good advice. There are too many out there that will do just that!

As your dad would tell you, " go girl"! You have a good head on your shoulders....you are going to be fine.

Hugs,

Shell

[jathh]

Yeah, thanks shell. And watch out all you others who have love in your hearts because you have been shown love. Always trust your intuition, it is your best friend, more than any man, in this man's world.

Bless you.

jathh.