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Down to Hope


Whatadogshewas

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Hello Everyone,

I can only say that right now I feel sorry for all this sadness. I haven’t lost my sweet girl yet but her cancer will be causing us to give her up soon. She is a 13yr old Retriever, Connor. For now she is still dying for days outside, so that is what we are giving her, a few more “perfect” days out, one more at least. 

We are arriving at the lake now, I will try and stay happy, I will try and enjoy our time left. If she won’t EVER sit around and mourn the loss of more time together, then how could I?  It would be easy to sit around and cry that this could be her last trip, but nothing ever has been or was ever promised to any of us. I was going to write this, save it, and finish later but I’ll just post again later. Wish me luck, I have a lot more to say. I hope someone is listening. Hope is all I have left. 

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Thank You MartyT!

Our animals are and always will beautiful, in memory if nothing else. But as I sit here, I drive myself to the brink of insanity like this; did we take too much time for granted, it was always fetch, why did we wait so long to take her swimming?  Why do I sit her with these questions when I could be enjoying our last day together? What blanket do we take when we give her the shots, and the most important question...Can I be strong for her at the end?  

As it is, she will leave bed/couch if I start crying, she ain’t having that, it’s not in her nature.

 I know what she needs more than anything right now is for me to be strong for her at the end. That seems like an impossible ask but I will try somehow to make her proud.

But after that, how do I sleep, how do I wake up without it being a living nightmare, how do I cook without her under foot, how do I go in the backyard, how do I go in the front yard, can I walk her brother without breaking down, why do some of the beautiful moments that remain bring me pain?  Why do I focus on the pain of loss, why does that make me angry.  Why do these thoughts race over and over on repeat for weeks on end now?  My family suffers because of my level of suffering.

I have a Tele-Conference with a Mental Health professional tomorrow.  I hope it can help me move on, I hope for a minute of peaceful sleep, I hope for an appetite, I hope for the future. If perspective with other losses in life has taught me anything, it is that the tiniest shred of hope can be enough to get though.

Thanks Again for listening, I promise, I may still cry here and there, but I am going to enjoy the hell out this day I have left. Nothing is promised anyway, I might as well and try to live like a dog. 

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I am so sorry you are going through this, I had a Golden Retriever/Siberian Husky, best dog I ever had, he was my soulmate in a dog, and losing him was the hardest thing I've ever gone through next to losing my husband 15 years ago.  We are so close to them!  My heart goes out to you.  In the beginning memories can bring us pain but later on, the same memories can bring us a smile.  It helps to write about it, at least it did me.   You might consider doing something like this also, at any rate, we're here to listen and care as you go through this.

I wrote about my dog's cancer journey here:
https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14742-living-with-loss/&tab=comments#comment-185083 

I wrote about his life here:
https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14933-memories-of-arlie/&tab=comments#comment-186699

Yes, treasure each moment you have together here!

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