Hard to Move On

[lunalovegood222]

I am having a hard time moving on from the loss of my dog. He was 15 years old and I put him to sleep. He was experiencing health problems such as seizures and blindness. I always wonder if there is a chance that he could have healed, and I often have dreams that my dog still had life in him. It's really hard to deal with the loss because I recognize now that I should have waited a little longer before putting him to sleep.

What has made it even harder to move on is that my family is not at all understanding of my grief. They buried my dog with his leash and collar, so I didn't get to keep any remembrance of him. Even more, they don't remember where they buried the dog. It would give me so much peace just to sit by his grave and say goodbye, and maybe even say a few prayers. But I can't do that because my parents won't let me even mention the dog without getting defensive and act really weird and closed off. It's really bothering me because they are shoving him to the side and ignoring the fact that he was a huge part of the family.

I haven't been able to grieve or properly get any closure. It's a very horrible feeling, like I am powerless and my family has stripped away every memory of my dog and has shut my mouth to prevent me from remembering him. And stuffing their feelings deep down pretending like it doesn't hurt them at all. They are really hurting my feelings by doing this, and I keep telling them but they don't care. I am grasping to keep my memories of him alive, but every physical thing about him has been torn to shreds by my family. I have nothing and I am in a very hard space mentally. I cannot sleep, I have trouble focusing and getting work done throughout the day, and I don't have any friends to lean upon ( I just moved out of state ). I don't know what to do anymore

[Coco Forever]

So sorry for your loss and I can only imagine what you are going through especially regarding your family.I can only offer my own opinion what I would do in your situation and that is to tell them straight that you need to grieve and suppressing your feelings will only make you feel worse and to say they cannot remember where they buried him is to me unforgivable as that is something you’d never forget.I’m kinda of puzzled as to why you say he was your dog yet it sounds as though you had no say in his burial or did he belong to the whole family?I’m assuming you are of adult age so they have no right whatsoever telling you not to mention him as that to me sounds as though they are grieving and hurting but they do not want to express their own feelings.What a horrible situation to be in and I can only sympathise with you and getting back to your dog,15 is a great age and you did the right thing by ending his suffering as I myself three months on since my Coco’s passing keep on asking could I have done more to save him as he was just short of 10yrs old and I still find it hard to accept I will never see him again.I sense my grieving will only end when my days on this earth have expired.I’m sending you prayers that you and your family can find a peaceful way to reconcile but under no circumstances should you hide your grief.That is your choice to express not theirs.

Frankie
 

[kayc]

I am assuming you are still at home under their roof and therefore young, perhaps a minor?  I am very sorry for the loss of your dog, and all the more for the way it's has been handled without regard to you.  Assuming they think they are acting in your best interest, it is still hurtful rather than helpful.  They are undoubtedly afraid of you feeling worse by grieving but the opposite is true, you need an outlet for it.  I have studied grief for the last 15 years, I have suffered many losses and have learned to coexist with my grief.  I have learned that grief cannot be circumvented, it will find you and haunt you, so it's best to give it it's just due and process it.  We process it by allowing our tears to flow, by learning.  I encourage you to let yourself cry rather than bottle it up, if your family shuns that, perhaps you can go on a walk to be alone and cry.  When we bottle up our grief it can have a way of manifesting itself in other ways, physical symptoms, depression, etc.  15 years is a good age for a dog, and a good share of your life, it could be you don't remember a time without him, and you're right, he was a member of your family and more importantly, of your heart.  I hope you have a picture of him!  You can create a memorial for him, plant something in honor of him, go to that place to be alone with his spirit and talk to him.  I know it sounds crazy, but I talk to my dog at his grave or even on my walks or alone in the house.  

I want you to know that the feelings you are having that he was put too sleep too soon are very normal and common, they are a grief response, we second guess our decisions as we want a different possible outcome so we go through all of the what-ifs!  Sometimes we feel guilty even though we did everything we could for our dog and loved them more than anything.  That does not mean we earned or deserve that guilt!  It is grief talking.  I will post you some articles on this.  My dog was suffering from cancer, his liver shut down and still I wondered, should I have kept him alive another day?  Another week?  I think in the end, I did all I could for him and keeping him alive longer would have been for ME not HIM and at HIS expense...putting him to sleep when I did was for HIM and was at MY expense!  But it's what responsible pet moms do because we love them so much.
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

I also want you to know that I went through something similar when I was young.  When I was five my parents allowed me to get a dog, I named him Huck (short for Huckleberry Hound, a cartoon back in those days).  He was my companion as my siblings were many years apart from me in age.  When I left home I was not allowed to take him with me.  One day when I was 20, my mom called and told me they had him put to sleep.  Nothing was wrong with him, he was just old at 15 but he still got around, didn't have any pointed health issues.  I would have gladly taken him in and cared for him.  I was given the opportunity to say goodbye, it was very hurtful, very hard.  I don't know what they did with his body, I had no remembrances also.

I also want to post an article on the grieving process to help you understand this is normal, just a part of it.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

Lastly, I want to leave you with this video, I hope it brings you comfort and peace.  I wholeheartedly believe we will be with them again as this life as we know it is not the end.  They are energy and it doesn't die, it changes form.  When you look up into the sky or at space beyond, comfort yourself with these thoughts, that somewhere out there, he is, and he is not suffering, he is at peace, and still loves you even as you do him.  The love doesn't die just because the body gives out.

I hope you will come here and post your feelings, what you are going through.  We will be here to listen to you.

 

[Coco Forever]

I think in future Kayc I’ll leave the advice up to you as you put it more beautifully than I ever could but what a sad situation to be in especially as you say if the person is a minor and not an adult.That to me makes it even sadder as no child never mind an adult should ever be forced to hide their grief.What you say Kayc about talking to Arlie certainly resonates with me as I do the same everyday and I even take him bed with me but I’m not sure if it does me any good as I always end up in tears and  three months on i still cry many times a day.Wishing peace and prayers to all.

Frankie

 

[kayc]

Frankie, frankly I think what you say adds much to a thread in responding to someone who has also lost their beloved animal, we welcome and appreciate your input!  I hope she's come back and read, there are many that voice themselves and then aren't back to read their responses.  My heart goes out to her, I'm so sorry she feels so alone in her journey.  Her family undoubtedly means well, not realizing they're actually hurting her all the more. 

[lunalovegood222]

Hi everyone, I am new to the site so I am not sure how to reply to each person individually, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my post. It really makes me feel much more comforted and less alone reading your replies. Thank you for such thoughtful words I am 23 but I still live with my family. When my dog started to have seizures, we were in the middle of a move out of state. I feel guilty because the move likely stressed my dog out even more, and made his existing health problems worse. If we would have been patient with my dog and given him some TLC, he might have recovered and live on for a few more months. I think we over-exerted my dog by taking him on walks, because he would have the seizures on the walks. His poor old body was just tired and we didn't listen to the signals. If we would have let him rest in bed, maybe he would have been ok. 

I have spoken to my family about my feelings and we have all come to understand each other better. Thank you all, I also greatly appreciate the links to websites on grief ❤️ 

[kayc]

I am so relieved to hear you were able to come to an understanding with your family!  Wishing you peace and comfort in the days ahead.