Boyfriend left me

[NumbJ]

So my boyfriend and I met in May of this year. I hadn’t been interested in a relationship but he won me over. This is during COVID times so we talked a lot on the phone and texted as well. We had an amazing connection and our communication skills were unrivaled. Every morning he would tell me how much I meant to him. A month after we met, his father fell sick. He leaned on me a lot and we thought he was going to get better. Before his father had fallen sick, he had told his father about me and how happy he was to have me in his life. His father eventually passed away and he was devastated. He continued to lean on me through it all. During this time we were starting our relationship so we would work out the little kinks of getting to know how another person works. Never arguments with us but rather in depth discussions and debates about how we wanted to be treated as this was my first serious relationship and his most important one (in his words). We put in a lot of work together but throughout this I noted that some of our discussions didn’t need to occur if he hadn’t been so emotionally sensitive due to his father. And he owned up to that often.

Some background:  During the time he was also homeless (living with a friend’s family) and jobless (he was interviewing for a well paying job though). He had a complicated love/hate relationship with his mom and although his dad didn’t raise him, in his last few years they got very close.

He eventually got the job and visited me for two weeks before moving to a new city for the job. (It would only be a 4 hour drive from me). The two weeks were absolutely amazing, he met my friends and I met his. We were still going through some kinks though. We planned to see each other again in a month for my bday and when he left he told me he needed to use the month to get his emotions in check and finally process the trauma of the last few months. He said needed some space communication wise but wanted us to be together. I agreed even though not talking as much made me sad. We discussed it in more detail a couple days later and he once again reassured me that he wanted to be with me but needed space. He also said that he didn’t trust himself to believe he could handle everything. At this point I got a little unsure but we talked through it and he told me that us being  together was the priority. We eventually got into a routine of talking for 45 minutes almost every evening and I felt much better and so did he. Told me that he was truly happy with life entirely for the first time in months. We began truly planning his next visit for my birthday which is coming up. Talked about presents and the night before the end, he said he missed me and couldn’t wait to show me his new place in the city.
 

The next day, I called him to chat and he broke up with me. Said he needed to be alone to get a handle on all his grief and issues with his mom. Needed to process through the stress of not having a place to live or a job. Said that he couldn’t bridge respectfully caring for me and having romantic sexual feelings (something we had discussed before and decided that it was just due to timing. We had started off strongly with romantic feelings, then came to deeply care for each other and just needed to bridge the two. It had clicked for me once we normalized talking everyday after he left but not for him apparently). He also said that he was putting caring for me above taking care of himself. And that he needed to be selfish and not ignore himself just because he didn’t want to hurt me. And that he didn’t have the tools to be in a relationship. Said he thought my presence would fix him because he was so happy with me but he needed to fix himself.

I was angry at first. Didn’t understand why it took him so long to figure it out what he needed. Why he reassured me so many times that I shouldn’t worry, he was just figuring himself out. I felt so blindsided. I also didn’t understand why he didn’t express the desire to revisit us after he took the space he needed. Not that I would be waiting around but to at least say if he reached out, please hear him out. I asked him why he didn’t say that and all he said was I understand and I’m sorry. Said he still cares deeply for me. 

 My female friend was shocked and urged me to reach out to him in a month. My guy friend says I shouldn’t reach out at all. If he wants me, he’ll call. I’m leaning towards the middle. Reaching out in December just to check on him. It’ll be 6 months since his dad passed and 4 months since we broke up. I want to get back together but I understand that I need to come at it from a friendly, low maintenance angle. What do you guys think? I was originally gonna follow the my guy friend’s advice but I reread some of our texts messages today and remembered all the love and trust and care he showed me so I decided I wasn’t gonna fully let him go with trying to talk once. Also. I blocked his social media for my peace of mind regardless.
 

*a couple days after the breakup, I sent him an email. I asked him not to respond. I had been making cute voice notes for everyday we were apart after he left. I was saving them up for when he visited again. I put those in the email with a note on what they were and why I sent them. Nothing angry, nothing crazy. I did tell him I was blocking his email though (we had a shared calendar for planned visits and Netflix account. He had canceled both and I got notification emails each time so I decided to just block him. But I sent the email before blocking*

[Rae1991]

First, I am sorry this has happened to you. If you read through most other stories, they are similar when a partner is dealing with grief, mine was. My ex-boyfriend of nearly 2 years blindsided me after his father died. He didn't actually break-up with me, he just disappeared and then came back 3 months later. That was 4.5 years ago and we haven't spoken since. I am grateful he left, it allowed me to move forward with my life, move to a new city and realize that my need for relationships and the guys I was dating, was not coming from a healthy place.

First I will tell you, do not reach out to him. Focus on YOU. Continuing to contact him for no reason may be seen as pressure and might make him resent you. My ex told me he loved me and didn't want to break up, then disappeared for 3 months before asking to get back together. I stopped contacting him and started moving forward as best I could. As your friend suggested above, if he wants to contact you, he will. It is good that you removed him from social media and your email contacts. Now, go hang out with friends or family, join classes, if you're in school focus on that, go back to your hobbies, learn new ones. Go back to your life. Do not try to be hovering and waiting in the wings for him on the hope he will come back. From the sounds of it, you were only together for 3-4 months, if he knows you're waiting around for him, he may take that in a different way than you intend and it may not be good. While time spent may not be telling his feelings, it's clear he felt he's incapable of having a relationship while grieving. This grief could last months or years, he may never be the same as he was before. They don't wait for us, there's no reason to wait for them.

He broke up with you. So take it for what it is, and until HE makes a move to get back together, the only thing you should be doing is focusing on YOURSELF. IF he ever does make the move to get back together, don't just go back to normal. You need to remember how he left, assess whether or not a relationship with a person who will leave you when life gets tough is someone you actually want to be with and if he is a person you can depend on. Do not allow yourself to be a man's convenience and allow the whole relationship to be about what he wants. What about you and your feelings? They matter and are just as valid as his. While his intentions may not be from a malicious place, would you tell your friends to wait around for a guy who dumped them, but made empty promises that "one day" you'll get together again? I certainly wouldn't.

The 'One Day Wager' is a dangerous notion. That One Day they'll be the person you want, or commit, or be with you, or marry you, or do all the things they said they would in the beginning, but often that one day never comes and you're left with regret and wondering why you spent so much time with them knowing it was just empty promises and pretty words.

On 8/16/2020 at 12:13 AM, NumbJ said:

I was angry at first. Didn’t understand why it took him so long to figure it out what he needed. Why he reassured me so many times that I shouldn’t worry, he was just figuring himself out. I felt so blindsided. I also didn’t understand why he didn’t express the desire to revisit us after he took the space he needed. Not that I would be waiting around but to at least say if he reached out, please hear him out. I asked him why he didn’t say that and all he said was I understand and I’m sorry. Said he still cares deeply for me. 

This right here is enough to know that he is confused, doesn't know what he wants and is in no shape to be in a relationship. Do not pursue it further. Until he is ready (and he may never be) to explain himself to you, there's no reason to continue trying to reason with him. His mind has been made. I am sorry.

It sounds like his life has gone through some serious transitions the last year, from being homeless and jobless to losing his father and the relationship with his mother. He may just not know how to process all these changes at once and needs time alone to figure it out, which is valid. After I left my ex behind for good and moved away, I started going to therapy and needed time to readjust and deal with my feelings and figure out why I felt as I did. Don't take it personally. It's not you, it's him. However I will say that your need of him to tell you everything all at once sounds like a bit much and can be misconstrued as pressure and he may not have had the answers himself to give you.

On 8/16/2020 at 12:13 AM, NumbJ said:

The next day, I called him to chat and he broke up with me. Said he needed to be alone to get a handle on all his grief and issues with his mom. Needed to process through the stress of not having a place to live or a job. Said that he couldn’t bridge respectfully caring for me and having romantic sexual feelings (something we had discussed before and decided that it was just due to timing. We had started off strongly with romantic feelings, then came to deeply care for each other and just needed to bridge the two. It had clicked for me once we normalized talking everyday after he left but not for him apparently). He also said that he was putting caring for me above taking care of himself. And that he needed to be selfish and not ignore himself just because he didn’t want to hurt me. And that he didn’t have the tools to be in a relationship. Said he thought my presence would fix him because he was so happy with me but he needed to fix himself.

He didn't have the tools to be in a relationship

That right there says it all, as does this paragraph. Let him go. All love is not good love. Staying with him will only invite confusion into your life, as he is clearly at a crossroads in his and doesn't know what to do. It doesn't make him a bad person, he's just at a point in his life where he's assessing what's best for himself and figuring out how to care for himself and his needs, which we all need to do to be successful adults. I am sorry your relationship became a casualty of it, but it is what it is. Also again, you were only together 3-4 months, so in all honesty, neither of you had an obligation to commit, and things unfortunately changed for him. Sometimes it just happens. It's happened to me. A guy I dated for 3 months said the same thing, that our relationship was a priority to him, then one day just decided he didn't want to date me anymore because I wouldn't let him be my "fitness trainer." Trust me, it wasn't a loss on my end, the guy turned out to be both a liar and a loser.

Be glad he broke it off now rather than in a year or two when you're fully committed, living together and/or deeper in with him. Maybe at some point in the future, your paths will cross again and you'll both be ready. But that may not happen, don't bank on it. Take your own advice and do not wait around. You'll come out the other side of this stronger and better off. You don't need him. You were a whole person with a life before him, and life will go on after him and you'll still be whole.

 Rae

[kayc]

Normally I respond within 24 hours of a new poster but for some reason this did not show up until this morning, so I apologize for the lateness.

I concur with Rae.  You don't say how old either of you are, but it doesn't sounds like he's a bad person, just someone who is trying to deal with and figure things out as they go, perhaps young?

It sounds like he's not in the same place as you are.  Often this seems to be a side effect from grief, but I have noticed from reading these threads over the years that people cope differently, some WANT their partner by their side as they work through their grief, others can't handle doing a relationship at the same time they are grieving.  Or perhaps it brings out some chinks in the relationship you hadn't noticed or attention hadn't been called to before, but it would show up eventually at any case.

I agree that it is best to leave it alone, focus on YOU, spend time with your family, friends, activities.  Work on YOU, let him work on him...or not. 

Rae and I have both been through this.  In my case, we were engaged for a year and he broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying.  He was Asperger's and lacked the social skills necessary for conflict resolution or confrontation to do this in person, it was shocking and unexpected!    Be glad, as Rae said, that this did not go on longer before this happened!   I know it's painful but the pain will gradually lessen, I think I cried every day for about four months?  Then one day I told myself I was NOT crying over him again!  Speed ahead ten years, we resumed friendship but that is all, he has his XW living with him the past few years (so she wouldn't be homeless)...they are not a "couple" but are clearly "family" and always doing family things together.  I could never be in a relationship with someone that attached to their ex for any reason!  He has never tried to get me back but he did give me a lot of mixed signals when we resumed talking as friends...I had to steel myself against it and recognize it for what it was...he clearly did not know his own mind and was confused and mixed up.  I let him do him, I did me.  Most can NOT resume as friends unless both do not expect something else or it is easily turned manipulative, which is not good for anyone.  All in all, I am glad things turned out as they did...I would not want a partner who could not go through thick and thin together.  If I ever get into another relationship, I would want him to be mature and self assured in himself and hold the same values, etc. as my own, just my requirement!  BTW, I have not dated since, I've been through a lot in life, not ruling anything out, just not looking either.   If you are young, you may feel quite differently.  Rae is still fairly young and I love how she's going about it, focusing on herself, her interests, learning, etc.!

[NumbJ]

11 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

You need to remember how he left, assess whether or not a relationship with a person who will leave you when life gets tough is someone you actually want to be with and if he is a person you can depend on.

This really spoke to me. I get pretty possessive about the people I care about so letting go is hard for me. But you’re absolutely right. I miss him with every fiber of my being but I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t trust him to not hurt me and I don’t trust him to not leave if it gets hard. Thank you for reminding me not to settle for less than I deserve. 
 

When it’s the first time you’ve ever let someone through your walls and they abuse the privilege, it’s a new kind of hurt. Because I thought I finally knew how to spot the people who aren’t worth my time but as it turns out I still have much to learn. 
 

Moving on is hard but yes. I wouldn’t want someone who wouldn’t leave me alone and I don’t want to be that person despite my emotions. While I care about him, he chose to cut me off and so now I choose to live my life until it’s so full that it no longer feels like something is missing. 
 

My birthday is coming up and I have no clue if he’ll reach out. Especially because we had planned to spend it together. If he does, I’ll try to stay friendly and neutral with no mention of our relationship. If he doesn’t, I’ll take that as another sign that he continues to erase himself from my life. 

10 hours ago, kayc said:

 

I concur with Rae.  You don't say how old either of you are, but it doesn't sounds like he's a bad person, just someone who is trying to deal with and figure things out as they go, perhaps young?

And thank you so much for responding! Reading your story in other chats has definitely inspired me to take care of myself first and to be wary of the friendship route. We’re both early 20’s and yeah he’s a good guy. Just confused and perhaps didn’t understand that his mistakes in not accurately doing what was necessary for his grief earlier on would impact and change my life. I can definitely foresee me having some issues with opening up again down the line. But that’s another day’s problems. 
 

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, NumbJ said:

I don’t trust him to not hurt me and I don’t trust him to not leave if it gets hard.

And you are right to not trust him.  This is what he has shown you.

22 hours ago, kayc said:

I would not want a partner who could not go through thick and thin together.

It goes along with what I said here.