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This hardest pill to swallow


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So.. I’ve been reading a lot of forums and I’m currently going through the same thing, this is the hardest pill to swallow even harder because I’m being faced with it the second time around. I met my girlfriend online we’ve known eachother for almost two years now but she’s a merchant marine so she’s been in training and went off to sea around June or July so I’ve been here for her since and recently she just lost her grandpa who was like a father to her. During the first day she reached out to me I was there to confront her in the best way I knew how but after two days she mentally withdraw herself from our relationship she went from telling two weeks before how she was ready to marry me and wanted to be a family with me and my daughter then days later how much she loves me, calling me her wife to two days later saying I don’t think I can do this anymore but she wants to remain in our lives for my daughter.. and when we spoke through video chat she made it seem like I was the problem saying I wasn’t there for her when I tried my best to be there we slept otp the first few nights but then she claimed we fell of when everything was just going great we’ve always had ups and downs throughout our relationship but managed to pull through and grow stronger we recently got into a argument a day after about her telling me how I was never ready to get married when I’m in my late 20’s now and I’m ready to build everything with her i mentioned how I was planning on moving away for school she then tells me how you making plans and not broken up but I pretty much am taking it for what it is because that is how it seems I know her mental isn’t there because I texted her a paragraph about how I didn’t want to seem insensitive to her situation she didn’t respond; out of whole year almost two year relationship she has never not responded when I talk to her well was communicating with her it was kinda like I was talking to a wall she would only say so much.. but when it was time to go to sleep because she’s in Africa she would say I love you and goodnight which I don’t get that when I try not to talk about my feelings she asked me what’s wrong, I choose not to tell as I may trigger her emotions and she’ll resent me. Yesterday, I sent her another paragraph explaining to her I’m gonna let her stay in our princesses life and how I understood a relationship would be too much considering everything that’s going on and she has family dealing to handle.. I told her that I’m gonna walk away from this with my head held high knowing that I did everything I possibly could to love her and knowing that she loved me at one point but I then told her I’m not giving up you it’s the other way around because she is somewhat abandoning me and I told her I’ll always be here for you but I’m gonna let you decide if you want me to stay or go but I also let her know that does not pertain to a relationship it could simply be a friendship, yes ofc I’ll miss her because we had our whole life planned but things happen but I kinda wish I wasn’t losing her because we were so inseparable and now we hardly speak since I’ve sent her that other paragraph I haven’t looked back to see her response. 


Ofc it isn’t fair to lose someone because they took a lost but I’m respecting her decision for what it is although, we spoke she said she would be here for mine and my daughter’s birthday as it is almost around the same time but this time it’s different part of me wants to tell her no don’t come then the other part wants her too I ask myself one day will she realize what she lost when I’m gone. 


I would say that it sucks because she said she’ll always be here but after this I’m sure things have changed a lot, if her feelings completely died for me she’ll probably never love me again and I have nothing other than to accept that and be okay with that I still haven’t look backed at her text because I’d never know what she might say in this state of mind. 

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You mention it's not fair to lose someone because they have a loss...there is nothing "fair" about loss and grief or even life in general, you can throw the word "fair" out the window.

It sounds like you both have some relationship issues, it wasn't perfect with or without this loss happening.  I feel you've given her mixed messages and no wonder she's done the same.  It's very easy to drive someone away when they're grieving, so careful with what you say to her, words can't be rescinded.  When you're grieving, everything is magnified!  Many do not have it in them to do a relationship at the same time as they are newly grieving, they have nothing to give and with the added stressors of relationship issues, it may just be all too much for her.  Have you tried stepping back and just being there for her, letting her choose her pace right now, just be a in a supportive position, no demands.

Good luck to you!

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I think Kay has pretty much said it all, although I would add my standard policy of advising against arguing/fighting by way of text messaging.  There's so much that can be misunderstood, misinterpreted, and overlooked, along with missed non-verbal cues like tone, expression and body language.  Not to mention, hurtful messages can be viewed over and over again, resulting in becoming all stirred up and angry each time the message is read.  It's just a bad idea overall.  Better to argue by voice call or video chat, if you must, or better yet in person.

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11 hours ago, Kieron said:

I would add my standard policy of advising against arguing/fighting by way of text messaging.

Amen to that!!!  Arguing never got us anywhere positive anyway.  If you state your view sticking to "I feel..." or "I think..." and not "you" statements, ONCE and the person doesn't listen, how does restating it over and over help?

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