Guilt after loss of dog

[kanjay]

 I lost my soulmate in August 2020.  I can't get beyond how she was looking in my eyes during the day. She passed that night. I walked right passed her as she stared at me as if she knew.  I saw her stare but let it go.  I knew but I don't  know why I didn't  pick her up. I will never forgive myself. That night she was laying on her blankets by my chair. I fell asleep and 15 minutes later I woke and found her 5 feet away and I picked her up she took her last gasp.  I can't  seem to get passed the guilt.  She was a Dachshund.  I miss her so much I ache.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

@kanjay I also called mine my soulmate in a dog, it's been 1 1/2 years since he passed (cancer).  Had she been sick?  Was she old?  I am so sorry for your loss.  We can't do different what we don't know/realize.    All of the what ifs we go through in our early grief are our way of trying to come up with a different possible outcome but there's only one and that's the one that happened.  Your dog knew you loved her, just as my Arlie knew I love/d him.  How could they not!  You did not cause her death nor could you have prevented it, she may have been waiting for you before letting go, so no matter whether it was right away or an hour later, she then felt comfortable to let go and have her release.
When we have such a loss as this, it feels debilitating, they were our everything, we had continual interaction with them and it affected every aspect of our lives, it's not that different from loss of a beloved spouse in my opinion, it felt a lot like when I lost my beloved husband.  I am not "over" losing Arlie, never will be, he affected me greatly with his beautiful spirit, I will always love him and be grateful I had him in my life for the 10 1/2 years I did.  We were meant to be together.  I also look forward to being with him again, it's my only hope...I hope you find comfort in this video and find some help in the articles I've linked here.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

 

 

 

[kanjay]

Thank you for your very kind words.  I am so very sorry for  the loss of Arlie and your beloved husband.  What you wrote to me has helped me to try to understand  my grief and guilt somewhat better. The video is so touching and of course it brought tears but that is ok.  The articles are helping also. Sadie touched me in a way that I didn't  even know was possible.  She was my gift from God and I was blessed  to be with her 15yr4mo. I pray everyday  to see her again and I know I will.  She was diagnosed with a growth in her chest and the vet mentioned  lymphoma.  We tried 2 medications  and she lived another 10 months.  The evening before she passed she ate a big meal so I thought we were ok. It was that night when she started  downhill.  I knew we would be at the vet the next morning.  The fact that I did not have her in my arms when she passed during the night  is something I will never forgive myself of.   I am so grateful to have had her and  miss her so much.  I know a lot of people don't like to hear pets being called children but she was and is my child.  Thank you so much for listening  to me.

 

 

 

[kayc]

I totally understand...Arlie was my soulmate in a dog, and Kitty I loved in a bond hard to put into words.  She came thrust upon me at the age of 12, I knew her since she was 10, she'd had a very hard life before me, I promised her a forever home and followed through, she was 25 when she passed.  The last night with her said it all.  It was hard to earn her trust but I knew that I had by the end.  Her love meant the world to me, because it was hard earned!  But I understood her and could relate to her.

Losing these beloved family members, to me is as hard as losing any human if not harder, losing Arlie was very akin to having lost my husband, he was everything to me, I got him after losing my George.  

[kanjay]

You have had enough heartache in your life forever. I have  read many books on grief and they all talk about the five stages of grief.  I feel I am in all the stages at one time.  Sadie taught me so much and I can only pray she knows how very much she was loved.  She changed my life.  It is  almost  six months since Sadie had to go Home.  I know she is happy and pain-free and that is what I have to remember.  Hope you are ok.

[kanjay]

I should have said I hope Sadie knows how much she knows how much She is loved. . Not was.  I know I will Sadie again.  I look so forward to our reunion.

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kanjay said:

I have  read many books on grief and they all talk about the five stages of grief.

Taking A Look At The Stages of Grief  ❤️

[kayc]

I understand, we often go back and forth in our tenses between past and present, we are still trying to adjust to them not being here, but we never stop loving them, missing them, nor do we ever love them less.

The Five Stages of Grief was written for the dying, not the grieving...see here: (we're all unique so is our grief so no set order, nor does everyone go through the same thing although a lot of us have commonalities)
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stages-of-grief_b_4414077 
and here:

 

[kanjay]

Dear Kayc I never really thought about the five stages of grief were written for the dying  not the grieving as you have written.  After much thought  I believe it is right.  The five stages have never made much sense to me as grief is such a personal thing.  Thank you for the information. I found it very interesting and informative.  I hope you are well and send peace

 

 

 

[kayc]

We can't fit grief into a box, it's not one-size-fits-all and does not necessarily follow a set order.  We can go through any to all emotions, or phases or fit none at all.  You are right, it is a personal thing as we are all unique, just as our relationships are.  

I also referred to Arlie as my soulmate in a dog.  He was perfect for me and I miss him, I always will, my sweet beautiful boy.  I find it good to know others felt that way as well.