Grief and pregnancy

[Dr424]

Hi everyone. I’ve been reading these threads for awhile and it has helped me greatly. I have a situation that parallels some stories here but is unique as well so I’m looking for some wisdom and good advice.

    About 2 years ago, I tried online dating. A woman, three hours away from where I live contacted me. There was something about her, she was like the girl next door and made all the others on the site not matter. We hit it off pretty good. After a little bit, she became distant in responses (unbeknownst to me her dad had fallen ill during this time). She’d apologize saying things are very hectic and then would disappear. So I gave up, came back and long story short, she moved 12 hours away (moved in with a family member that was her best friend) and I ended up meeting her there almost 6 months from initial contact. Just before we met she said she was overcautious about online dating and had just been through some very painful experiences but still wanted to meet.  When we were talking online initially, she told me how fond she was of her father and how he, like me, enjoyed history. So I brought a history book to give to her dad (I guess as a way to ask permission to court his daughter). When I handed it to her, I was informed her dad had just died about 8 weeks prior. It was awkward for me. We still managed to have a nice time for about 6 hours and there seemed to be a strong mutual chemistry.

    After that meeting, she texted back and forth well at first and then went back to being distant. She apologized for delayed texts and said I just want you to know I’m really glad I finally met you. I responded to it asking if she’d like to meet again. A few days later she responded no and that she was now seeing someone locally. I took it harder than I should of (probably because it took 6 months to meet) I decided regardless that I’d send her a text at the major dates like Christmas to tell her I was thinking of her and show some compassion to her situation (no expectation or hint of meeting again). She would respond back with a thank you or if it was a positive response, wouldn’t respond back after a second text. The last time I reached out was Father’s Day 2020, about a year after her dads death. After that I figured I’d done what I could and it was time to fully move on.

    A big reason I checked up on her is because my own father tried to take his life a few years prior. At that time I met a woman once, about a week before the incident (we had a strong connection). When my dad attempted suicide, I told her I couldn’t see her as my dad had an accident and might not pull through. As basically a stranger, the compassion she showed to me in response was like an angel from heaven. She stood by and checked up on me everyday. I think she saved me and I believe in karma/paying it forward. Unfortunately I lost her due to my head space not being there. I would never commit to seeing her in person. I was uncomfortable/felt embarrassed at the time to tell her my dad tried to take his life.

    Recently, I went back to online dating (just browsing with my profile hidden) after some bad dating experiences in last year or so. The woman I met 12 hours away over a year ago is back on the site and in my area (I believe moved in with her mother). The difference is that now she has a child. And by the looks of it, probably got pregnant shortly after her dads death (I did notice when we hung out, she seemed pretty self conscious of her stomach and had it covered pretty much the whole time). I’m not here to judge her and hope that the pregnancy wasn’t a situation of being taken advantage of because to me, she still seemed very vulnerable when I met her weeks after her dads death.

    The question I have is how should I handle this if by the off-chance she contacts me if I go back to this site and have my profile public? Or is there any merit in contacting her beforehand? I’m guessing she was probably fairly along in her pregnancy when I suggested to meet again. I’m not sure why she’d wouldn’t tell me about that. I understand that being thrown in the hands of grief for the first major loss can be extremely overwhelming and poor judgement can result. I also realize I owe her nothing. Any advice is appreciated and thank you for reading. 

[Rae1991]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story. Almost relationships are just as valid and hard to move on from as "official" relationships, and those feelings and connections you felt are real.

I would say try to keep things casual, friendly and light upon initial contact (if there is any). But yes, if you feel ready and up to it, do go back on the site and continue on as you normally would without the expectation she will contact you. You could reach out to her and ask how she has been, but if you feel it may evoke the same behavior you experienced during your first interaction with her not responding and you feeling a bit despondent, then I'd advise against it. You are probably right in that she was hiding her pregnancy based on the timeline you gave. Could have been out of embarrassment, her wanting to spare you from knowing she had met someone else, or her just being unsure of what to do/who to tell as a new single parent-to-be. Her decision not to tell you may not have had anything to do with you at all.

If by chance you do contact her, or she contacts you and you both want more again, be cautious and don't rush back into things as it seems she flaked previously, which considering the circumstances, is understandable. You're right that you owe her nothing. She probably assumed in the time since you've last spoken that you moved on (it seems like its been more than 2 years?) and lost interest in her so she didn't reach out. I would imagine that being a new parent her priorities changed since too. But you mentioned she's back on the site, so maybe things will be different this time if contact is made. The worst she could do is not respond to your messages, say "no," or you both realize the other isn't what you want/need in a partner.

Whatever you choose, I hope you get the answers you seek.

--Rae

[kayc]

It's too bad you hadn't shared with her what you'd gone through with your dad, and your embarrassment with the lady who was there for you checking on you at that time, it could be she could relate.  

I would caution you greatly about getting too vested or your hopes up too quickly.  Perhaps she really had a connection with OP at the time she conceived her child, I wouldn't assume it was an error in judgment, but for whatever reason it didn't work out between them.  Just don't assume anything is all.