Loss of mother....

[Amorita]

Hello, Im new to the site, i have been looking for a forum such as this and maybe i can share my grief with others, as my family have their grief aswell.  On April 16th 2020,I lost my mum to a 10 year cancer illness, through which i also suffered her illness, doctors, medicines, chemo etc the whole thing, she changed in those years and i hadnt realised until now how sick she really was, in the meantime she also had my dad that she was tending to , she was 82 when she died he is 10 years older, so he is in aged care, and i put him in just at the same time my mum went into palliative care..they were in the same complex so that my dad was able to see her every day for the 3 weeks before she died.  I would have thought that by the time 12 months had gone by that i would at least have come to terms with losing her...instead i feel that my grief has worstened, she is constantly in my mind and i cry at least 3 or 4 times a day and cant seem to move on, i find it hard to get on and do normal things i feel as though im dragging my feet and these chores are just a burden, i have a husband and two children one who lives near me, the other lives in the city they are my rocks, but they have their lives, even though they are in mine.  My mum was everything to me, and even my dad is having difficulty getting on in aged care as the staff say he is angry all of the time and need to give him medication to calm him down, so this is another thing that upsets me aswell...life for our little family has changed drastically, im really trying to push myself into some kind of happy...but i just cant seem to do it...lll leave this here as i am having difficulty writing this..and i thankyou for reading it, i know there is no solution to grieving because you just dont "get over" anything like a loss.  Thankyou

[iPraiseHim]

Welcome to our friendly and supportive community.  There is no timeline on Grief.  I believe the biggest misconception is that somehow we "get over it" and "move on". This is not reality. Each person has a different timeline with the journey of Grief.  To me grief, is the love you want to express to your Mom, yet it is difficult to manifest.  My mother, brother, father, and beloved wife have all passed and each one of them I grieve differently.  My beloved wife, Rose Anne, is the most challenging and brought me to this wonderful community over six years ago.  The intense grief for the loss of my wife was probably two years.  I still grieve for her to this day, but the intensity has lessened as I've come to learn some tools that are shared here as well as the fellowship with our community.  I cannot not "Move on" but rather choose to "move forward" with both grief and this healing journey.  It takes time, patience, and understanding.  Most people do not know or understand this level of grief for our most beloved.  It really helps me to express all of this to people here who care and support each other. I am glad you found us yet sad for what brought you here.  Take care of yourself.  Grief takes a lot of energy, and we need to learn how to nurture and take care of ourselves and our health as we also learn these tools to deal with grief. - Shalom (Peace)

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Amorita said:

I would have thought that by the time 12 months had gone by that i would at least have come to terms with losing her...instead i feel that my grief has worstened, she is constantly in my mind and i cry at least 3 or 4 times a day and cant seem to move on

Welcome to our site, although I wish you had no cause to be here, that no one had to go through this, ever.  

12 months seems but a drop in the bucket of grief, to me, as it's rather become part of my life and existence, particularly the older I've gotten and the more losses I've sustained.  Rather than moving on from grief, we learn to live with the changes it means for our lives.  I don't think of them as totally lost to us, but rather our way of being in each other's lives has changed.  Instead of interacting with them as we did, now we carry them inside of our hearts.  I talk to the people and animals I have lost...I don't worry people think me crazy as most of us grievers find we have done so, it's normal in grief.  

It helps to memorialize them in some way...to me, the greatest tribute we can pay to them is to honor them by living our lives in accordance with the things we have learned from them.  
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

Your dad's anger is likely part of his grief.  
Anger stage

Expressing yourself here is helpful, it helps to know you're in a safe place with others that "get it."  It helps to get it out and not bottle it up.  My heart goes out to you as you are hurting and missing your mom and concerned about your dad also.  We want to be here for you as you continue through this.