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I feel like I'm suffocating


Antoinette

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I had to put my dog down on Monday. I had her to three vets but within days she lost all use of her back legs and was dragging herself around and having trouble breathing from either the pain, the exertion or the medication and crying. One of the vets prescribed her gabapentin. The morning after She took it her back paws curled up losing the She of her legs. She couldn't go to the bathroom on her own but she was eating the turkey and rice plush drinking. I couldn't t take seeing her like that so I made the decision to euthanize her. I've been sick to my stomach, second guessing myself. I just lost my job, my dad, my last uncle in the space of a month in Oct of 2019. I am lost without her and don't know how to handle her loss.

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Hi Antoinette,
I am right there with you. I just posted my story about Sunni last week. I also had to make that awful choice of euthanasia. It happened within a matter of days where my baby declined as well so I know exactly how you feel about second-guessing yourself. I've been dealing with that remorse for a while. It all happened so fast. Sunni was on gabapentin as well but thankfully no horrible side effects like that. The day after I almost fainted and passed out in my friend's bathroom so I know how you feel about your stomach being sick. I keep thinking that I will just wake up and this will be a horrible nightmare and my life will go back to what it was with him.

What was your baby's name? Just know that you are not alone. There are some nice people on here that are willing to help.

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Antoinette, I am so sorry for your loss of Shelby.  You made a kind humane decision, it takes a loving parent to put their needs ahead of our own, and you did just that.  When her suffering ended, yours took over.  Second guessing is almost unilateral with grievers as we're looking for some other possible outcome as this one just seem unfathomable to us!  We go through all the what ifs, but I hope when you've had time to process all this that you'll realize this was the best course of action you could give her, there weren't good alternatives.  Arlie was my baby, my all (even when he reached 140 lbs!) and I never wanted him to suffer...he got cancer and 2 months ten days after diagnosis I had him euthanized.  The finality and emptiness that hits when they're gone is so hard!  Aug. 16 it'll be two years.  I still talk to him, still have his coat hanging on my chair and hold it from time to time or caress it when I walk by, his collar and leash hanging by the door, retired now, and I buried him with a bone and his favorite & first toy, a duck, one of the few he took care of and didn't chew up, he slept with it every night.

I love the paws up position, can't get more trusting & vulnerable than that!  
 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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I had Shelby for 8 years. I rescued her when she was 6. I loved her more than life and respected her just as much. I have a constant knot in my stomach. My son is 34 and he is just as devastated. If I had the money I would have cloned her. The pain is constant coupled with the previous losses of my job, dad and uncle in a short amount of time. I am sorry for your loss as well. I am grieving with you.

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I hear exactly what you're saying. I think I love Sunni more than I loved anything in this world. I told him that almost every day. And I completely know the feeling of having a knot in your stomach. I felt that for the first week. I wasn't eating well and just had this constant sick to my stomach feeling.  And the cloning idea....how interesting. I know it's hard to imagine having another perfect angel like we've had. Animals are so special and it's amazing how strong our connection and bond are that we have with them especially for that length of time. I can't imagine going through other major significant losses at the same time. I'm really sorry to hear that.

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Me too with Arlie, but cloning can't guarantee they'll have the same personality.  It is who they are inside that we love.  I used to tell Arlie that even if he'd been the ugliest dog in the world, I still would have loved him just as much, and I would!  But he was as gorgeous outside as inside.  I've never met another like him.

I am sorry you are in so much pain, I've been through the loss of jobs and loss of family members & pets, I know all too well how hard it is to get through, I wish no one had to go through this.
Multiple Losses

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I talk to Sunni, too. I hold the blanket that he last lay on up to my face to see if I can still smell him but I can't. 😢 I used to like coming home from wherever I was at knowing that I would get to see my baby and I had something to look forward to. Now I try to do anything to leave my apartment as every time I go to the other room and expect to see him laying on the couch and I don't it makes me sick and my reality creeps in. You sound like a very loving dog owner and I'm sure that Shelby was lucky to have you.

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I had her cremated and they have me a patch of her fur. I've been sleeping with it. I haven't let my house and every bone and muscle in my body hurts. I do what I need to do as fast as I can such as feed the horses and cats but then right back in bed. I can't look at picture because the pain is too intense. 

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I'm glad they gave you a patch of her fur.  I have a small lock of Arlie's as well, and a paw print.  They didn't do one but I tried before he died...he took off running, got ink all over the house!  Took me an hour to clean it up.  Stupid me had to try again, same thing!  The paw print is "in motion" and I love it, have it up on my refrigerator!

Thought these articles might be of help to you, when you are ready...
How Long Before Adopting Another?
When is the right time to get a new pet?
Getting another Pet

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It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY having Kodie this last 1 1/2 years!  Little did I know when I got him that we'd be heading into social isolation and my life would change drastically.  He has been a godsend.  I was heavily grieving Arlie and this little guy was not daunted, just kept loving me and impressing me with his cute antics.  Opposite from Arlie in many ways but endearing me to himself with his own special qualities.  The things I miss about Arlie are a tribute to his specialness.

I do hope you will keep us posted when you find your next one to love!  :wub:

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  • 2 weeks later...

I hope that with you.  I wish you and Luna a long and happy life together!

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