Miscarriage

[AnnC]

I just joined this board yesterday, and have been posting about my grief still sometimes seeming so fresh two years after losing my ex-husband, who was still a dear friend. But I have never really grieved the miscarriage I had, even though it was 25 years ago. In reading some grief sites, they have brought up that this is a legitimate grief, and honestly, I never thought of it, because it was a very early miscarriage, about 7 weeks. But I never remarried after my ex-husband and I divorced because he came out as gay. I had relationships, and fell in love a couple of times, but never found anyone who was the right person to marry.

I have been fine with not having children for many years, and yet now that my ex has died, I feel so bad that we not only lost each other, but our only child, and there is nothing left of him, because he never had a child, and he was an only child and orphaned as a young adult. It just seems so sad, if the child had lived I would have that much of him. I find it hard to believe that after all these years (decades!) now I am grieving that baby.

[Maylissa]

AnnC,

Yes, miscarriage is still a loss, although from what I've read so far, not everyone grieves a miscarriage, but most do.....depends on many factors as to how the woman ( or man ) views it, how long the gestation was, etc, etc.

However, it's also common to grieve over ANYTHING that's a connection to someone we lost, so to be thinking now about what this child could have provided had he/she lived, isn't surprising. There are also some sites that deal with miscarriage and I suppose if you found some and read what they had to say, you'd find out if you either never finished your grieving over this child, or if it's more about the connection to your ex and all the dreams you had for your marriage....quite likely, it's a combination, I'd venture to guess.

It's also common for all sorts of other losses to rear their heads when we have a new loss. If one hasn't successfully finished the work of grieving those other losses, either, you now have extra work to do. And even if you have, new loss may just remind you of other ones, as your sadness and depression colours your entire world for a time. You might need to consider your own patterns in grieving to see if there are similarities in how you coped, or didn't cope so well, to discover if you've missed doing something that would have 'resolved' your former losses. Hope this helps.

[cyndy]

Ann,

I know the pain you are talking about. My Robbie would have been 25 in January. I have raised several children since then, 2 of my own, 2 stepchildren, and several of my children's friends who just needed a place to stay.

I was 16 when he died. My parents were going to send me away. His father had already left, he was 18 and my parents were pressing charges. I used to hold my belly, and talk to my son. He moved, and kicked. I know he heard me. He knew I loved him. One day he stopped kicking.

The next day I went to the hospital.

Everyone told me how lucky I was, that I could have my life back. They didn't understand that I didn't want my life, if my Robbie wasn't in it. How could I be lucky? Why was his death the best thing that could have happened to me? Everyone swore that it was.

I know now that I would have given him up. If he'd lived, he'd look me up now, and ask me why I gave him up. I could tell him that he was my only solace at night, that his kicking and his moving saw me through the darkest time of my life. I had dissapointed my parents so they didn't want me anymore. None of my friends would talk to me. This was the early 80's, everyone had sex but no one had the consequence! I might be contagious.

I never thought of him as a consequence. He was a gift, a joy.

He was never born.

I remember the emergency room, when they were prepping me for the D&C after my baby died. They put a green plastic garbage bag under me before the anasthesia. I will never forget that my precious son, my Robbie, was born dead in a garbage bag.

Hopefully they don't do that anymore.

Yes, a miscarriage is a death. I loved my son. I would have done whatever it took to give him a good life, and I never forgot him.

Edited July 18, 2006 by cyndy

[dpodesta]

Ann,

First of all I am so sorry to hear of your loss, even if it was a long time ago. My wife had 2 miscarrages before our son who is 7 now. I remember the feeling all so well. When Karen died 3 1/2 months ago it brought all of that back. I am not in your situation as I do have Carson to remember her by, but it does not make it any easier. I will tell you what someone told me after this had happened. I was told that even though they weren't born, they still went to heaven. God had a special purpose for them. Now at first, that sounds like someone that doesn't have any sense saying that to a couple that have gone through a miscarrage. However it gave us peace because they also said thaat one day when we get to heaven, we will know them and they will know us. I take comfort knowing that Karen is up there right now with our kids. She finally got to meet them. As I type this I tear up this is the first time I have said anything about it to anyone since Karen died.

I also want to say thank you for the title, I never thought of looking in this section because I too didn't think about the misscarrage.

I hope this helps you as it did me at the time and also now. Being that they were only 12 weeks there wasn't anything to bury, no real closure. Now that Karen is dead, there is some closure in that I can go to her grave side and visit all three of them at once. I just realized this as I was typing my reply.

God bless

Derek

[AnnC]

Derek,

I'm sorry for your losses. I also had so early a miscarriage that there was nothing to bury. I can understand that although you have Carson it doesn't mean you don't miss your wife. I agree that regardless of whether a child is born or not, there is a soul that then goes on to heaven. In fact, I dreamed that I took our baby to see her father in Heaven. (I certainly have no way to tell if a 7 week fetus was female, but I always felt that she was.) In fact, I did talk once to a medium (I am skeptical of fakes, but this lady really seemed to be gifted), and she said my late husband is rocking a baby on the other side, and she picked up that it was a very early miscarriage and a girl. I do believe they are together now, and watching over me. I believe that about your wife and children too.

Thanks for your reply. It's nice to know we're not alone in these difficult experiences.

[Jester]

Ann, Derek, Cyndy:

I am really sorry for your losses, I have been through this as well, and it is a secret not many people know because people often make the mistake to assume since the baby was not born, then there is nothing to grieve. It doesn't matter how far into the pregnancy a loss like this occurs, what matters is how you felt about this baby, could you feel him? Did you love your child? What changes were you expecting in your life? Yes we have a right to grieve even the ones who were not born.

When I got pregnant, I wasn't married, and I wanted a child, but knew I was not prepared. My couple and I were about to switch to the pill, but I had to wait for a few weeks, so we decided to leave it to fate for those two weeks, if I got pregnant, then it had to be so, and if I didn't, then it was not my time. Well, I got pregnant, and 2 months later, I lost my baby, and I can't believe I survived this loss. I think I can say I am over grieving my child by now, but I remember this loss as one of the worst pains I have ever felt. I can also say I was very angry at God, if he didn't want me to have a baby, then why did he let me get pregnant in the first place? Taking away my child was not the best way to say "it is not time yet", he could've just have the sperm miss the egg...

When my mother left 4 months ago, I talked to a sister I had not spoken to for years. She has changed very much, turning from a flake to a zen person, and she told me we all have a purpose in life, and we all live many lives, learning in the next life what we didn't learn in this one. She said a baby who is aborted, miscarried or a child who dies at a very young age are the souls that have learnt the most. They don't need to learn anymore, they come here to teach us. It is in us to catch those lessons and not forget them, in doing so, their short lives have a purpose, and we can honor those lives by making the best out of the lessons they come to teach us. I don't know what everyone's believes are in here, but those words were very comforting, even though she wasn't refering to my baby, as she didn't know my secret. Finally I was able to let go of my anger for God, as I had an answer that was better than being angry the rest of my life.

I'm sorry for blabbering here, but I hope this helps you all. Bless you.

[dpodesta]

For me, I like to think that God had something very special planned the children that we miscarried. There was something in Heaven that needed to be done and just needed us to bring the life into existance. Also what helped me was knowing that they are in Heaven and one day I will get to see them and they will know who I am and I will know them. I believe Karen is with them right now and they know what a wonderful mother she was here on Earth. I am a little jelious, because she got to meet them first, but I know I will get to meet them also when my job on Earth for God is finished.