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My world has been turned upside down


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I need to get some things off my chest.

 

My boyfriend has suffered a tragic loss within the last few weeks. His son passed away. My heart shattered when I heard the news… the loss of a child is the worst thing any parent will ever experience. But knowing the love of my life was suffering, made my heart break. 
 

I have been trying my hardest to be there for him in ways I feel appropriate. I don’t want to be too overbearing or overstep any boundaries considering his emotions are all over the place. I’m more than willing to stand by his side while he goes through this tragedy, all I want is to help him move forward in life without his son. I want to make things easier, in any way I can. I’ve done some research on how people deal with things like this while they are in a relationship and it all seems to end the same.

 

A few days ago he seemed to be having one of this “better” days. We were talking and joking all day. We were having a conversation about how much we loved and missed one another (we haven’t seen each other since before his son passed away) he had finally called me “baby” which he hasn’t done in quite some time. It made me feel so good. My heart was fluttering and my eyes were lit up with joy. I felt as though my boyfriend was coming back, slowly but nonetheless he was trying. The next thing I know… he’s asking me if all of this is too much for me. I reassured him that none of this was an issue. I told him im here for him no matter what, no matter how long it takes. You have all of me, forever. I love this man will all my heart and soul and I have for a very long time. He told me it might be better for me to move on and find happiness elsewhere. He said he loves me too much to put me through this. He’s good some days and on others he is not and he feels it is unfair to keep me around while all this is happening. I’m trying my absolute hardest to understand where he’s coming from but I simply cannot. He has my heart and I’m finding it hard to accept that we are over. The next day, I texted him asking if this is really what he really wanted, he replied with “yes I need some space, I don’t know how to feel. I’m good and then I’m not” I’m was so angry and hurt. I don’t like not knowing and being in a “grey” area of limbo.. it seems so unfair. I told him I love him way too much to just be friends and I want all of him or nothing. I said if you don’t want to be together then just block me because I can’t handle not having you. I regret saying that to him. He respected my wishes and blocked me… I wish more than anything I hadn’t said that. I’m going crazy without him and it’s only been one day. I miss him, I need him and I love him so much. I’m worried about him and his well-being. I want to know how his days are, if he’s crying, if he’s eating or trying to sleep. He’s my world. I know I need to respect his space but damn… this is hard.

 

ive read many threads here of people going through the same kind of situation and they all pretty much end the same. I don’t want to lose him. I lost him once before and I had just gotten him back. Our history is really complicated (lol) I don’t know. I just need some advice. What should I do? How do I feel better even though this is not what I want? I miss my boyfriend terribly. I haven’t stopped crying. I need help. 

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I am so sorry for your XBF's loss, I cannot begin to imagine what it's like to lose a child...I've lost three before birth but to hold them, raise them, know them and then lose them?  Miscarriages are hard enough.  It has to be the worst nightmare possible.  I am also sorry for your pain at losing him.  I've been there, felt my heart shattered, it literally HURTS physically!  I know of nothing to ease the pain, we need to go straight through it to come out on the other side, to heal, to adjust, it takes time to process this, and it IS a "process."  You said you feel angry, which is a form of hurt/pain.  I was upset at how my ex-fiance broke up with me (Fed Ex to my job, so I got the news in front of everyone at work instead of in the privacy of my own home and suffered the humiliation of being told to leave the office).  Yes it ended permanently although after no contact for months we resumed contact as friends...it's nearly 11 years later and he's had his XW living with him for about three years now.  People do not resume once this has happened, I'd say it's pretty rare.  Not everyone reacts this way in grief, but for those who do...this seems classic.  :(

I do want you to know this has nothing to do with what you said/didn't say, did/didn't do, because it's not about you, it's about HIM and HIS grief and how HE handles things.  I figure if I was with someone, I'd want it to be with someone who wanted to go through thick and thin together, not ditches me when things are really hard.  Just my opinion.  ;)

My best advice is to try to stay busy and surround yourself with people who love/support you, family/friends.  Try to plan something to look forward to.  When it happened to me I went to my little sister's for a few days, came home and realized I'd left my engagement ring up there, it sent me into a tailspin until I got it in the mail from her.  No accounting for our emotions, I guess.  (I didn't return it as I'd paid for it.)  Another thing I'd learned was it has to be a two way street, not me just doing all the work/giving, making it work.  anything less seems desperate.  I've been alone since my husband died nearly 16 years ago and haven't dated since Jim (ex-fiance) and although it was never my preference to be alone, I've learned to value myself "just me" and that I do not have to have a relationship to value myself.  Not saying there's anything wrong with those who do, not by any means, but this is something I needed to learn.  Now I am in a healthier place if I ever do!

Sometimes we are not given adequate closure, answers, and have to make our own in lieu of that.  Let yourself cry your tears, you have good reason, they will dry up eventually, although it make take a few months to begin healing and glean clarity.  Darn, I know we want an easy fix, sorry, I don't know of one!  If I had, I'd share it.:wub:  Look for anything bright in your day and embrace it, appreciate it, I have learned the value of living in the present and gratitude for what IS.  Here is an article I wrote about ten years after losing my sweet husband (to death)...

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

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Thank you Kayc. I’ve read many threads here and I see you on all of them. Your words are so kind and pure, they come from a place of experience and knowing. I was looking forward to getting a reply from you. So thank you for taking the time to read my story and share your thoughts. 
 


im 50/50 on our outcome. We have always found our way back to one another over the last four years. He’s had my heart for a long time and I refuse to give up on him, especially now. He told me he loves before he walked away so a part of me is holding onto that fact. Am I wrong for doing so? I keep looking at pictures we have together. We were so in love. We were so happy. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had fun doing anything or nothing at all. We would finish eachothers sentences and found the exact same things funny. I miss him. First he said he wanted to break up but then the next day he said he just needs space. I don’t know what to think. I feel so stupid… am I? I don’t want to accept that we are over. What if he really just needs time to digest the tragedy him and his family are going through. I know he loves me, I can feel it. I love him so freaking much it hurts. 

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Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear of his loss and now your loss of the relationship-I can somewhat understand how difficult this must be for you. 

10 hours ago, Sev7 said:

im 50/50 on our outcome. We have always found our way back to one another over the last four years. He’s had my heart for a long time and I refuse to give up on him, especially now. He told me he loves before he walked away so a part of me is holding onto that fact. Am I wrong for doing so? 

While my relationship was a lot shorter than yours, your reaction is very similiar to my own. You're far from stupid for holding out hope; I think everyone here has held onto some hope that they will come back, including myself for over a month while I stayed in contact with her. However, as you may know, there hasn't been any examples of them coming back, and hope is one of those things that will keep you from healing. We all hope we are the exception, but think of it as an addiction--every dose of hope is what keeps your addiction alive and we will do anything for that dose. 

10 hours ago, Sev7 said:

First he said he wanted to break up but then the next day he said he just needs space. I don’t know what to think

As kayc has told me before: they don't know their own mind while grieving, so it's best to try not read anything into what they are saying. It's best to focus on you and your healing right now, although I understand how much easier said than done this is--I understand how much you care for him. 

Take care, and I'm hoping the best for you. 

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22 hours ago, Sev7 said:

Am I wrong for doing so?

It's not right or wrong, it's what you choose to do...understanding that doing so may likely result in the same ending but prolong your healing.  This is a PROCESS and one in which YOU are making your way through, coming to conclusions, etc. for your life.  We can't tell you what to do, we can give advice but only you can decide what course you want to take. ;)

12 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

This must be so difficult for you; but no matter what happens, I am confident you will make it through this. 

I agree!  We learn through our experience.

 

22 hours ago, Sev7 said:

We were so in love. We were so happy. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We had fun doing anything or nothing at all.

You are writing in past tense, have you noticed?

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