I lost my son to suicide.

[Jeantatum]

I didn't know my son was depressed. He lived away at college, but came home some weekends. I don't know how I didn't see it. I got a call from my other son. He said Alec was hit by a train," he's gone mom". He leaned into the train. I still can't believe it. My son got me into his brother's social media accounts.  I had thought we were really close, but I read his posts and was devastated. He had told friends. He told friends he wanted to die. No one ever said anything. He had been using social media that I'd never heard of. Nothing strange, I just didn't know about it. When I had to get his stuff out of his apartment, I searched his room everywhere. I was convinced he'd never leave me without a goodbye.

So he was suffering from mental illness... I didn't know. I have to live with this the rest of my life. I miss him so much it's hard to breathe. 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Jeantatum said:

I don't know how I didn't see it.

 

5 hours ago, Jeantatum said:

He lived away at college

Maybe this is why you didn't see it?  He wasn't living at home with you.  He didn't tell you.  This is not your fault.  When we go through early grief nearly all of us go through all the "what ifs" looking for a different possible outcome with "if onlys," affixing blame to ourselves even though we didn't know and didn't have the benefit of hindsight in advance...we do this because the outcome was not something we can fathom, let alone assimilate into our lives.  We want them back.

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest thing one can go through, imo.  I wish with you this had not happened.  I lost a good friend & coworker to suicide, he was to get his Rx changed the next day.  He couldn't wait.  It's hard for us to fathom that but we haven't been in this mental state, it can feel pretty overwhelming so a person can't see through to the other side.  I'd known him since he was a wee boy and was like part of his family.

One day at a time, that's the only way I know to live after loss.  I hope you will seek a grief counselor.  There are suicide survivor grief groups as well.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this. 

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Surviving A Suicide Loss - ReasonToLive.ca on Vimeo

[Jeantatum]

Thank you. It has been 3yrs. and still feels like it just happened. I told my husband that I want to move. So many memories. I feel him everyday. I was told at church that when people die they go to sleep until resurrection. So I won't get little signs from him. I just want him back.

[MartyT]

7 hours ago, Jeantatum said:

I was told at church that when people die they go to sleep until resurrection. So I won't get little signs from him.

I'm so sorry that you were given such a discouraging message from someone at your church, Jean. Not everyone would agree with that point of view, and it certainly does nothing to bring you the hope and comfort you need and deserve, as you continue to mourn the loss of your beloved son.

I invite you to read this article ~ and pay special attention to the many resources listed at the base, too: Religion and Spirituality in Grief  ❤️

[kayc]

I know well what Christianity teaches as I've been one all my life, but there's a lot we don't know about after death, so I wouldn't assume or presume to know everything about it!  Yes they teach "soul sleep" but there is so much unknown about the spirit world, I wouldn't discount signs or the power of the will either!  Take what comfort you can where you can find it, we all get through this our own way.  I have learned to be open minded with what I don't know much about.    My mom used to adamantly say dogs don't go to heaven, I say heaven wouldn't be heaven without them!  So just because that is someone ELSE'S belief, I'm not discounting it, I intend to see my Arlie (dog) again!  I have had two  NDEs, enough to know we DO still have thoughts/will!  For instance, I died on the operating table and they had to give me thrusts to the chest to restart my heart...while in recovery it kept stopping, I felt I had a choice...to go, which was appealing, or to stay, and I chose to stay because my dog and cat still needed me, I could see them waiting for me at home.  I had another one in my 30s when I donated blood, my first/only time, they said my BP was borderline but drew it anyway and lost me.  I was out of my body looking down at them working on me and my young children looking on, terrified, everyone there was scared and I knew I had to stay and finish raising my kids, then I went back into my body.  I will never forget those two experiences, plus one more that occurred while I was asleep about 12 years ago.  

My husband passed 16 years ago and I must say there have been things I can't explain, I pay special attention to things that occur out of the ordinary that have special meaning to the two of us, things that would definitely catch my attention!  Things we can't explain.

I am very sorry for your loss, and I know of nothing harder than this.  Usually we caution people not to make a big decision the first year or so as our brains haven't had time to process things, let alone glean any clarity, it's hard to even think in that first year, the shock is tremendous to deal with.  I hope counseling benefits you as sometimes we need that help, and I know of nothing requiring it more than such tremendous loss.

[kayc]

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