I dont know how to handle this

[MomIsAnAngel]

My mom, my best friend, my cheerleader died of Covid late August of this year. I am absolutely devastated. A part of me was buried with her. I cant help but ask, why my mom? Theres so many other "bad" people out there. Its worse because im in the healthcare field. I couldnt save my Mother. This grief is crippling. I have a therapist that i have been seeing over a year, but she is on medical leave (just my luck). I just feel stuck and empty. I feel like a shell. 

[eav]

I am so truly sorry for your loss. My dad passed unexpectedly 4 months ago and I remember so well that crippling feeling of grief and thinking I couldn’t possibly go on feeling that way. I had some dark thoughts and it was incredibly hard. But with the support of family and friends, therapy and the work that came with it to experience/process  my grief and guilt, and the passage of time, it no longer feels crippling. It does really feel like madness at first, or like you’re crazy, and you’re not alone if you feel that way. But I would say pay attention to these feelings and experience them. Trying to suppress or avoid them makes it worse (although I think there is a healthy amount of avoidance needed sometimes). And one day you’ll wake up and your heart will be a little lighter—and maybe the next day not—but over time it will feel less intense. I know it is different for everyone but that was the case for me. Sending you my thoughts and prayers 💕

[MomIsAnAngel]

Thank you for replying. I get so annoyed when people try to give me advice, but theyve never lost a parent (if that makes sense)

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know what it's like, I lost my dad in my 20s when I was seven months pregnant with my first child, he never got to meet his grandchildren.  I lost my mom seven years ago from dementia.  Both experiences were very different but I don't think it's ever easy to lose a parent.  @eavgave some very sound advice.

I feel it helps to honor them with how we live our lives, what we've learned from them.
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[MomIsAnAngel]

Thank u so much. Its a struggle

[eav]

Totally get it. I had people telling me not to feel this way or that way, and it was well intended, but not helpful  

[kayc]

On 9/12/2021 at 3:12 PM, MomIsAnAngel said:

im in the healthcare field. I couldnt save my Mother.

I am sorry I didn 't respond sooner, this was not showing yesterday morning when I came here.  I am very sorry for your loss, sudden and unexpected, very hard to digest.  Being in the health field doesn't mean you can perform miracles, we see our loved one as our mom/sister/spouse, etc. not as a patient, sometimes it's good to let someone else treat them, but the fact she died is NOT your fault!  I hope you know that with your head, sometimes it takes our heart a little longer to fully realize that.  Someone telling you HOW to feel is NOT helpful!  We feel what we feel.  I'm glad you found this place, I hope you feel free to come here, post/read, vent, whatever you need at the time.

Our moms have always been there, there is not a time we remember without them in it, so it's a lot to try to assimilate into our lives.  I've lost both of my parents, my dad when I was young, my mom a few years ago.  I lost my husband, a sister, niece, nephew, countless friends, pets, it doesn't get easier even though I've been through it so many times.  We have to allow ourselves our feelings, and fully grieve each one.

Sometimes that feeling of helplessness is really hard to digest.  Knowing that no matter how badly we wanted them we couldn't save them.  I felt that way with my husband.  Our minds go through all of the "what ifs" trying to make sense of this because what happened is too horrific to swallow, we want a different possible ending...only there is none but the one we have to live with.  It can take a good long while to process but we get there, one day at a time.  I try not to look at the big picture, the whole "rest of my life" as it seems too much and invites anxiety, I try to stay in today, I figure I can do today...in the beginning I had to break it down to one hour, one minute.  Breathe, get through today. 

It was day 11 I started practicing looking for good in each day...my "big joy" was gone but I looked for and embraced the "little joys," sometimes they were very small indeed such as a stranger letting me merge in traffic (a real miracle if you think about it!) or a friend calling, or a puppy's kiss.  It changed my life, one of the good things I've gleaned from my grief journey.  The other was learning I am complete in and of myself, I've built confidence in knowing I will handle whatever comes my way, I don't need to depend upon a person to survive.  It would have been nice, being single and alone in life was never my preference or plan, but it is what it is.

I truly wish you well on your grief journey, I think in time you'll realize you've made your mom proud of you, it will take time before you get to that place, today it's enough to get out of bed and get dressed.  (((hugs)))

[MomIsAnAngel]

Kayc., you said everything I needed to hear. The thought of not talking to my mom or being able to hold her for THE REST OF MY LIFE tears my heart apart. I cry at the very thought of it. It hasnt been quite a month yet. I was going to her grave every other day. My dad said maybe i was going too much and needed time to heal. But, I was with my mom EVERY SINGLE DAY. We spoke throughout the day. I visited her daily after work. My heart is truly broken. People say it will get better but I dont see how. I dont know who I am without her. I love her so much, but Im mad at her for leaving me. I know this sounds silly but as close as we were, I would think she would find a way  to let meknow shes ok. Maybe we werent as close as I thought.........

[kayc]

I know, Hon.  Believe me I know.  I do talk to them (mom, husband, dog, those dearest to me that I've already lost), some might think I'm crazy but I've been on grief forums daily for 16+ years now, enough to know I'm not alone in this.

11 hours ago, MomIsAnAngel said:

People say it will get better but I dont see how.

It will and of course you can't see it!  Right now you're still processing, it takes much time to begin to adjust!  Try not to let people push you, advise you, invalidate your feelings.  You will deal with this YOUR way and in YOUR time.  And it's okay to tell them so.  I grew a LOT of moxie after my husband died...the person who always had my back, my protector, the one who always understood me was gone, now it was up to me to do it for myself.  Sometimes I grow weary of always having to deal with everything alone, on my own, but I'm fairly used to it by now, and with all this I've developed more confidence along the way.  I know my husband would be proud of me.

It's okay to both love and be angry at them at the same time!  Both of those feelings are valid.  Feelings are inherently bad in and of themselves, they just "are."  Feelings are there for us to deal with the best way we know how, sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing.

11 hours ago, MomIsAnAngel said:

I dont know who I am without her.

I had to figure that out after my husband died too, I had been a Mrs. Somebody, now I'm "just me."  It feels like it changes our identity, whether parent or spouse, very similar things we're dealing with in this!

 

11 hours ago, MomIsAnAngel said:

I would think she would find a way  to let meknow shes ok. Maybe we werent as close as I thought.........

Don't let this thought rule, you were as close as you thought.  I've heard it's hard for them to cross that divide to us...I didn't even DREAM of my husband for a full year!  And we were extremely close!  We were each other's EVERYTHING!  But it seems the signs aren't something we control/conjure up on command/desire, but it seems to me they come when we least expect it and then maybe not again for a very long time, and everyone's experience is unique, maybe our being open to it varies, I've given up trying to figure it out and just accept what comes.  But it has no bearing on our relationship with them or the quality of it.    She is okay, trust me!  It's those of us "survivors" that are having the struggle here!