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Honest


Ztyu123

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Ztyu123,

Although I can never feel exactly as you do, I have felt very similarly. I still do quite often, but it has been getting further apart the longer it's been since Roxy left me. It feels like I was split into two when she died. The person who I was before, and the thing that I am now. It has been a year and 5 months since she passed and I still cry about her randomly, feel a pit open in my chest where she will never lay again, desperately hope and wish that she will walk around the corner and appear in my doorway, just yearn to have her hair stuck to my clothes one more time. One of the things I feel the most deeply guilty about is that sometimes at night in the month or so leading up to her death, I would wake up to the sound of her seeming like she was about to throw up and I would try to get her out of my bed as quickly as possible so that she wouldn't throw up on my bed. She wasn't about to throw up, she was coughing, trying to breathe around the liquid pooling in her chest cavity, something I learned the same day I heard she only had days to live. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for shooing her away from me during those nights. I can't help but think about what she thought when I did that. But these feelings have been getting easier to handle, they are still heart wrenching, but perhaps they are less heart wrenching than before. A thought came to me today, that if I was given the chance to go back in time, knowing what I know about what will happen, I would still choose to love her just as fiercely as I do despite the pain that I know it will cause and I figure, if I am willing to love her so fiercely again knowing how much I would suffer, then maybe I could love something else just as fiercely. I like to think that Roxy and I were soulmates, and if we were soulmates, then maybe she would be reborn as something different, and if I completely close myself off forever I might never find her again. It has taken me a long time to come to that conclusion though, you shouldn't try and find meaning or purpose from what happened with Jada, it's okay to just feel and feel and feel because you lost someone who is dear to you and you should be allowed to grieve in your own time, on your own terms. I used to think that if I stopped crying about her, I meant that I was starting to care less and I felt so guilty because I never wanted to care less about her, I wanted to be with her and think about her until forever. But I found that the love I felt for Roxy wasn't constrained to whether I cried or not. How could crying ever convey the love I felt for her? I still cry about her, but not as often as I did when she first died, and I think of the crying as a side effect of my feelings for Roxy and I know that side effects don't happen all the time. I don't know if I worded that in a way that makes sense but my point is, love goes beyond crying and just because you stop crying doesn't mean you stop loving. I think the fact that you were close enough with Jada to know something was wrong and that you desperately wanted someone to help you help her shows how much you cared for her and I am sure she knew that as well. It is not your fault that this happened, and it is not your fault for feeling the way you do. Message me if you ever want to talk, or if you want to vent out everything you are angry and upset about to somebody who will listen.

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That is so sweet of you!  I have said before and will continue to feel this is one of the hardest losses we can experience.  It felt very much like losing my husband did, all over again.  Our animals are our companions, sweet, loyal, they make us their study, they know every little thing about us, they're truly there for us, and losing them is one of the hardest blows we can experience.  I'd rather lose all that I own than my dog or cat.  (This is the first time I've been this long w/o a cat)...I lost both within 4 1/2 months of each other.  Around two years now.

You are doing what Dr Phil says and the Bible talks about, lending purpose to what YOU have gone through to bring comfort to others...God bless you.

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