Lost my mom 2 weeks ago, have no clue how to continue on

[ESM]

So I lost my mom just about 2 weeks ago. I've been going on the various grief boards such as this because I have no one to talk to and at least in the moment it gives me a little relief to just get my thoughts out there. The depths of the loneliness, sense of isolation, and the feeling that you don't even exist any longer is unlike anything I've ever felt before. My entire life was my mom. She was my best friend. My life revolved around her. Especially over the past 10 years and her three bouts of cancer.

We ate dinner together, we had breakfast together, I would see her for an hour or so before going to bed every night. And now all of a sudden she's just not there. I feel almost panicked 24 hours a day. I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I have palpitations that don't stop, and I really don't feel like eating anything. The thing that anchored me to this world, was my mom. Without her there I no longer have any identity, there's no more structure to my life, I seem to be just wandering around in a daze.

This all started just six weeks ago. She was diagnosed with an acute form of leukemia. She had beaten colon cancer 10 years earlier and then add beaten uterine cancer seven years after that. When she was diagnosed with leukemia she was having absolutely no symptoms. She was fine. She was going about her life doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking on a daily basis. There was nothing wrong. She started chemo and six weeks later she died of a cardiac arrest at the hospital.

I know people like to use the expression just take it day by day but I'm having a difficult time just getting to the next second. My mom was really all I had. My dad left when I was three and died several years ago. My brother died of pancreatic cancer back in 1997. I have no significant other and most of my friends I've lost contact with over the last several years. Also over the last several years while I was a caregiver to my mother I was self-employed. I can't do that any longer, so I have no job, no income and I also have to start looking for a job and pretty much have no idea where to even start.

Just before typing this I was putting some groceries away and usually my mom is sitting in the kitchen helping me put the groceries away. I started to cry hysterically and felt as if I couldn't breathe. These bouts of crying hysterically having several times per day and even when I'm not crying hysterically I feel absolutely distraught.

I don't have any really grand scheme to this post or message I'm trying to convey. It's just that it's 1 in the morning I have no one to talk to and I felt I'd just get my thoughts out there. Maybe they'll help someone else who is going through a similar thing. I don't know. I hope everyone on these boards find some peace and a sense of well-being. Have a good night.

[kayc]

I am very sorry for your loss.  Losing your mom is a huge loss and change for you because your life was literally wrapped up in her.  I'll post some helps at the end of this but want to take the time to address the employment.  You could advertise as a caregiver, some even want live in caregivers.  You might check with adult and family services to find out where to start with getting licensed or on a referral list.  But not everyone is licensed.  Not sure if you're in a city or small town but in a small town it's word of mouth whereas in a city it helps to be on lists.  Do you have  other job skills, what kind of jobs have you held in your life?  You could also go to the unemployment office, they aren't only there for those getting unemployment $, but they have other resources as well to help you towards finding a job.

Your feelings are totally normal in grief.  We can have a myriad of feelings all at once, even some that make no sense to us, they're all valid.

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief
Grief Process
Caregiving after it ends
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song
Support, lack of

 

[Ruby]

My condolences to you. You described so clearly the closeness of your relationship; the emotional impact of losing her; and the myriad of challenges you face in the midst of it all. My mom died 4 months ago. Aside from my spouse, she was the person closest to me throughout my life. I thank you for posting this. It is certainly comforting to hear from others facing a similar situation. Hopefully we eventually find some semblance of peace, as I’m sure this is what our moms would want for us.

[ESM]

On 11/20/2021 at 9:35 AM, kayc said:

I am very sorry for your loss.  Losing your mom is a huge loss and change for you because your life was literally wrapped up in her.  I'll post some helps at the end of this but want to take the time to address the employment.  You could advertise as a caregiver, some even want live in caregivers.  You might check with adult and family services to find out where to start with getting licensed or on a referral list.  But not everyone is licensed.  Not sure if you're in a city or small town but in a small town it's word of mouth whereas in a city it helps to be on lists.  Do you have  other job skills, what kind of jobs have you held in your life?  You could also go to the unemployment office, they aren't only there for those getting unemployment $, but they have other resources as well to help you towards finding a job.

Your feelings are totally normal in grief.  We can have a myriad of feelings all at once, even some that make no sense to us, they're all valid.

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief
Grief Process
Caregiving after it ends
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song
Support, lack of

 

Thanks so much for the encouraging words and the links. It's most appreciated. Be well.

[ESM]

On 11/20/2021 at 9:40 AM, Ruby said:

My condolences to you. You described so clearly the closeness of your relationship; the emotional impact of losing her; and the myriad of challenges you face in the midst of it all. My mom died 4 months ago. Aside from my spouse, she was the person closest to me throughout my life. I thank you for posting this. It is certainly comforting to hear from others facing a similar situation. Hopefully we eventually find some semblance of peace, as I’m sure this is what our moms would want for us.

Thank you. I hope you're doing well. I appreciate the response.

[kayc]

You're in our thoughts and prayers, I know this is a long journey, little by little we learn how to do it.  I hope you feel free to come here and post your thoughts/feelings, we want to be here for you as you go through this...if you want us to.