Ruby

Enza, I’m all these things and more. A dear friend suggested I join a support group; maybe I’d meet a nice man. Not now, not ever! Never say never, she says. Never! I’ve gotten lots of notices about support groups, wonder if any are actually happening in person. COVID rates in this state (FL) are up almost 1000%. It’s a shame. Plenty of isolation and loneliness in the world even before COVID. Totally understandable, anybody wanting the emotional and physical connection with another person. People do need people.

Joining in the chorus in support of you, Gwen; just wishing you the very best.

This is true compassion.

I read these articles, Kay - great information that I’ll refer back to as needed. Added a sample of a book that was referenced to my Kindle. (Read a little about the group that made the video - a branch of Buddhism that has put out lots of YouTube videos of a spiritual nature; quite interesting.) This guilt and grief. It is on me to do something about it, or not. I hope I can. Thanks for providing these useful tools. Been hopping around with a walker the past 3 months due to a knee injury, so no walks, my favorite method for managing stress. This hasn’t helped my mood. Hopefully the arthroscopic procedure will take care of it. The dogs are also missing their outings. Though I guess we’re making it work; they’re not too unhappy being couch potatoes. Kay, I hope the days of shoveling snow are coming to an end, and I wish there was some help for your hands.

Seems you’ve made progress, even if that self-blame does keep wanting to rear its ugly head! No way to know how things might have been different if Annette had stayed in rehab; she was where she wanted to be, at home with you. I’m struggling with guilt, having made faulty decisions at the end of my husband’s life. On top of the grief, it’s tough. I feel I need to process what transpired, not to absolve myself, but to help clarify. I have a tablet and pen on the table waiting for me to start writing it out (can’t do it by just thinking, keep changing the topic to avoid the painful memories). This is hard. Maybe posting helps hold me accountable. What does give me some hope for the eventual possibility of self-forgiveness is thinking about my husband. He was kind and gentle. He didn’t hold grudges and didn’t spend his time ruminating. Without a doubt, he’d be urging me to let this go and move on; I can hear the words he would use. Thanks for listening.

Wishing everybody peace, healing, and hope…

I am so very sorry about the sudden loss of your dear husband due to COVID. Not being able to be with him in person at the end must have been incredibly painful. I loved hearing about your relationship; it sounds very special and loving! My husband also died unexpectedly 6 months ago. It’s been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, and sadness overwhelms me at times. Like you, it’s turned my life upside down. It’s been day by day for me. Supportive relationships have been a help to me, as have small behaviors and activities that calm and rejuvenate in some way. I know that learning to navigate this grief will be my great challenge. I know that you’ll find wonderful support from the people on this site, as have I. I wish you the very best.

That’s considerate of you. Hope all’s well in southern Italy.

Dee, I bet those were good times in N’Awlins with your husband! And what a great tour guide he had, imagine you know the place inside and out! Gosh, since Katrina, seems these weather catastrophes have just continued to increase, everywhere. Hard to wrap your mind around the toll on human lives, species, and the environment. Feels like grief on a global scale. (This turned into a downer, sorry. 😩)

Ahh, N.O. One of my/our favorite places. No place beats it for architecture, music, atmosphere. You could almost see Lestat and his vampire buddies roaming those streets. I could do with a beignet (or 2 or 3) about now.

James, love hearing about Annette! Both of you are fortunate to have found each other, sounds like a great match.

Thanks, Dee. The downsizing must have been tough with all the memories. Living on your son’s property sounds like such a great arrangement for all of you. Hope you have a pleasant (albeit different) holiday, and enjoy those grandkids!

I know what you mean. I never had or wanted any social media presence; great for others, just not me. So for me to be on a site like this is a big departure that I can’t really explain. But I agree, it’s valuable! A place to express and to learn. Reading about how others have persevered and adapted under the most difficult circumstances is an inspiration. Novi, I love Sphinx’s story and the hopeful message! Makes me think of my Zoe who left a few years ago; hope she found my husband and mom. Gwen, can’t imagine your disappointment and despair, and just wishing the very best for you. Kay, hope you don’t mind my copying your memory tree idea! Except mine is a bare persimmon tree that I’ll plant - so sticks and ornaments. There’s a Santa in a blue kayak. He loved his blue kayak, sleek and fast (unlike my wide and slow yellow one). And the chef’s jacket. He was such a skilled and creative cook and surprised me with something incredible almost every day. I was spoiled rotten. Now it’s lots of peanut butter. Sure am dreading Christmas Eve and Christmas. Hoping some of you are at a stage in which you’re able to find some enjoyment in the season!

Kay, the tree and story behind it are just beautiful! What a way to do honor to a special relationship. The resources on holiday coping are so helpful during this really difficult time; much appreciate, Marty.

That’s great. I do something similar, spending a little time every day with the baritone ukulele, a gift from him. Seems something that requires such focus is helpful; harder to be in the throes of grief when you’re trying to get a chord right. And as you say, feels like he’s there. Guess we’ll take whatever helps, even momentarily! James, what a lovely thought about the books. Surely there are books in heaven!

V.R., I’m sorry about the loss of your soulmate. Interesting to hear both descriptions of time. For me it’s been strange how days are simultaneously interminable and fleeting. I’ve never before known this level of sadness; miss him horribly. Miss my mom too, and feel her death was in a way eclipsed by his; my husband, and so unexpected. Wondering with trepidation about the emotional impact of her memorial next week. Trying to avoid returning to that state of inertia, when I barely got off the couch, by engaging more with people and activities. At my ripe old age you think you have your coping strategies down, then something happens to shatter your world and you (I!) flail. Like starting over. It’s been helpful to me to read others’ posts about how their grief process has evolved over time; thanks to all.

♥️♥️♥️

My condolences to you. You described so clearly the closeness of your relationship; the emotional impact of losing her; and the myriad of challenges you face in the midst of it all. My mom died 4 months ago. Aside from my spouse, she was the person closest to me throughout my life. I thank you for posting this. It is certainly comforting to hear from others facing a similar situation. Hopefully we eventually find some semblance of peace, as I’m sure this is what our moms would want for us.

Kay, wish you’d have gotten some resolution instead of a health scare! Always so stressful waiting for news. You do so much for others. Well wishes and prayers definitely on the way for you.

Thoughts to all who are experiencing the severe weather…

I’ve also been thinking about options in case I become too incapacitated to care for pets. I’ve been hobbling along after aggravating an old knee injury. 2 of the 3 dogs have been enjoying my weakened state, teaming up to dig under the fence and create havoc. Had to pester my neighbor, at night, to retrieve one from her backyard - 8 lb. chihuahua mix Kiko, never short on nerve, was acting mean to the husky in the husky’s own yard. Came close to ending badly. Obviously I need to secure the fence (it’s reinforced with cement block!), can’t do it now. 2nd dog was down the street and the (indoor) cat took advantage by shooting out the door into the woods. (Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. 🙂) Since suddenly living alone, I’m feeling that vulnerability and missing the comfort of knowing that whatever problems, current or future, will be worked out together. Appreciated the definition of soulmate - how fortunate are we who have experienced that.

Maybe meditating or deep breathing exercises? Easy, doesn’t have to take much time. Comforting to me. Glad you’re searching for helps. Take care of yourself.

Interesting, Day of the Dead. My husband was from Europe and his family celebrated All Saints Day by placing chrysanthemums (the bigger and more beautiful the better) on graves of their loved ones. I "celebrated" by picking up a couple mums from Home Depot. Yeah, tough days ahead, fast forward to January. Best to all.

Kay, this is great, thanks so much. The grocery store trigger was huge - walking in and just bawling. Going to different stores now. It's nice to be reminded that we're not alone in our responses.

How very sad; you have my condolences. That was kind of you to bring her to live with you in order to care for her; imagine that meant a lot to her.