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Tomorrow is (2) a continued era..an ice age


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There will never be a positive moment in my life or after you again.
This was/ is ur ending or beginning..idk 
This was Basically your last summer 2021.
This is the story of u. I hate this story.

08/20 · Edited
My baby died today, and it's all my family's fault. everybody didn't believe me and shunned me when I told them that she was deathly sick for weeks. They are acting like it was natural causes but it wasn't. For weeks I have been telling them that she was sick and she needed to go to the vet and they ignored me telling me that I'm not a doctor and that they were tired of me complaining about it. she died horrifically on my kitchen floor with blood and urine pouring out of her orifices. I am very angry. this could have been prevented, or at least she didn't have to suffer. now my family joking that its time to get a puppy now. Also they were saying that I need to get rid of her things soon. I posted on another forum on another site under a mental health thread anonymously and the people there were very insensitive. Saying disgusting and irrelevant things almost blaming me like how come I didn't take my baby to the vet, and I shouldn't be sad because I'm not the victim my baby is. Those things made me feel even more terribly than I did previously sorry for posting this many times but I need to..to cope... I let Jada down. I was a coward and couldn't even bring myself to hold her as she passed. I went in another room..I'm disgusting

Because of him and them...I have to walk into the room and on the space where she died multiple times a day. I will never forgive them

I told them for weeks and begged him to take her to the vet ..even sent pictures to him and videos of her suffering and I was ignored. I even begged yesterday for him to do so, but he did not. All of my family members are disgusting because they said they understood him not wanting to take her to the vet because of him not wanting to pay a vet bill to have her die soon afterwards. I explained to them that regardless of if the prognosis was grim or not , she still should have had the one last visit to either cure her or end her suffering hopefully in a peaceful way. Maybe she could have been cured early on before it progressed. Yesterday I begged and pleaded to end her suffering. But he wouldn't do it. I tried calling mobile vets as I am homebound and no one would come out. I didnt even get to hold her as she was taking her final breaths. I was a coward and left her there to die alone, I didn't want to see her in such a condition. I failed her. I promised her that I would get her help. I'm disgusting. It should have been me.
I am soo depressed. I wake up crying. I have flashbacks, I can't eat, I can't sleep willingly..my body just forces me too.. Her bed still remains untouched as she left it in the room that we shared..Despite my family talking amongst themselves about me needing to throw her things out. I had to get rid of the clothes that I was wearing down to my sneakers..I can never wear that again at all. I don't even want to clean or vaccum , as I dont want to erase her scent, presence, and remaining essence. I'm a mess. Seeing how people were insensitivity asking/almost blaming me for not taking her to the vet, has really messed me up as well. The self blame has amplified and synced with my DNA , and has become something I will never get rid of. I have to listen to them describe her death with insensitivity towards her, and me to others. How pitiful and sad she looked while suffering..the allowed suffering that they intentionally inflicted on her for weeks despite my advocacy for her. The words echo in my head about how I told her that I would get her help. I promised her that I would. Her last breaths and how she was gagging and coughing for air as she tried to make her way down my basement to go outside for a final time, but how she was only able to get to the top of the basement doorway before she collapsed on the floor dying haunts me as I have to cross that spot many times during the day still. The words and memories swivel around my head and heart like a true and sincere lover and friend romances. My thoughts are mostly focused on her. Apologising to her hoping that she'll hear some how. My days consist of me trying to dictate and put my tears on a strict regimen and schedule. I blame myself for everything, including not being strong enough to carry her down, or not be strong enough to hold her in my arms while dying. I anger at the fact that my family is seduced by lies, and spreading them around like a foreign contagious parasite. Calling it a "natural " death due to age. They can't even get her age correct and cemented in their brain. They left the mop and clothe that they used to clean away the blood, outside in my front yard, so there is no escape and breathable air outside. Her corpse wasn't even respected and dignified. They took it away to a unknown place and that was that. I know that the last time they saw her she was wheeled away someplace. That's all I know. I would have given her a proper burial. Coffin and all. Maybe in her favorite park if allowed..or somewhere where it the world's beauty was reflective and matched and mirrored her beauty. I wanted soo much more for her. I wanted her to be safe in life, and secure in her transition to the unknown. Now I pray and hope that she is safe and loved in death.

It's been 18 days too long since you've gone. I barely sleep, I barely eat, I barely speak..when I do it's in an impatient , short fused voice...because I'm a reconstructed timebomb that keeps going off and reanimating itself. I've been held up in our room refusing to step outside. The 2 times that I've been outside were reminders of how cruel and insensitive society is. When I speak of you there's a crack or slither in my voice that serves as a breaking point, to a breakdown. When I speak of you they automatically tell me that I should get a "new" "one" and I'll be fine (whatever that is) as if you're replaceable. As if your life meant nothing. As if another lifeform can replicate your own personal breath of life and light. I don't know how to smile anymore, my face is now trained not to. I still have your bed in our room still trying to guard it with my life..They talk about just "needing" to toss them away in the rubbish. I don't need to. They do. I try to busy myself to keep from thinking about things, but my mind becomes busier with those thoughts. Two days ago, I met a friendly stray cat who had taken to me instantaneously. Fit right underneath my arms and loved being around me all of the time. Under what use to be "normal" circumstances I would have taken her in..but it's too soon. I would never have been able to love her as herself. I would never stop comparing and contrasting you and her. I have always believed in reincarnation, therefore I am unsure if it was you in your new lifeform, or her adjusting to her current one..Either way, I just can't accept it..So I gave you, her, or both of you collectively away. She occupies my thoughts as well. Yesterday since the family refused to take the bags of blood soaked rags and equally soaked mop with your blood out of my front yard like I've been asking them to since the day you left...I had to touch them. I had to smell them. I had to carry them to properly dispose of them. They continously let us down...I know you know how that is.

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11 hours ago, Ztyu123 said:

There will never be a positive moment in my life or after you again.

:wub:  It pains me to see you talking about you will never have another positive moment as we can intentionally try to make our way through this...what would your pet want for you?  That is the question I ask myself.  Yes, I will always love miss my husband who was my soulmate and best friend, and yes I will always love and miss my Arlie who was my soulmate in a dog, my companion, a perfect dog.  I carry my grief inside of me, it's never gone from me.  But I can also embrace and appreciate the good moments in life and think they would prefer that.  IT IS NOT OUR GRIEF THAT BINDS US TO THEM, IT IS OUR LOVE, AND THAT CONTINUES STILL.  I have nothing to gain by proving my love/grief to them, they know how I feel already.  I showed it to them in real time, in life.  We don't need sackcloth and ashes to show our grief, nor do we have to paste smiles when we aren't feeling it, but I would hate to deny myself the enjoyment and appreciation of life in the moment, it doesn't help, it hurts us.

Wishing you the best this day forward...

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