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Did you know this?

That right after you disappeared I:

Thought about seeing you.. staying with you for a bit...but decided not to because it hurt too much, because you may not have wanted me there or to be seen soo unexposed....

I felt unwanted. 
I felt ashamed 
I felt guilty
I felt like a pos.

That I was knew that I was the last one in your vision...that the sound of my feet walking away from you was probably the last thing you heard..

That I impatiently waited for your dad angrily..as he came an hour or less away after you disappeared.. That I watched you disappear for months and on that day no matter how I begged all day he wouldn't come. 

That I went in another room and picked out a focal point and stared...

That I had my back towards you, while you stared straight ahead...

That I had to step over who you were into a new reality while i was made to retrieve cleaning supplies..
That your blood stained my shoes. 

That after they deserted you some place
 I stood on the sticky bloody floor staring...
Then I took a mop trying to erase the past.

That i picked up the last remeberence of your body functioning, and thought long  about keeping it to try and function. ..

That I picked up your untouched food and tossed the whole container in the trash, that I took alot of you and started stuffing it in a garbage bag..

That I thought about making one a body bag so we'd match.

Took everything I had off including shoes and tossed it. . Trying to toss her in there with you so you'd feel safe.

Got angry with myself and brought everything back in.

Except for me.
Except for her.

Went into our room pulled out a phone, searched for every forum ..to be a part..To talk because nobody ever talks to me..

Listened as my family went behind closed doors and opened up doors of denial and ignorance. 

They whispered 
I screamed softly.

They went around stroking their own egos saying things only found in a new timezone..

How we mustn't tell her
How she was just old, not sick
How they did everything possible 
How she must throw out "that stuff"
How u should ask her about a "new "one"


I lay down 
Swatting the hands of reality 
Away from the heart.

Tomorrow, the next day, the next season, the next holiday, the next year all arrive.

But I never came.

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