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Very few of my family members understand why I’m doing this.  Those who do are fully supportive of me. 
So I think this is something people either will get—or not. 

Scary Thought
While I have dealt with death—often, it took losing my wife to truly understand how fleeting life is.  By that we are here today, forgotten tomorrow. 
If you think about it, 100-150 years from now, chances are great no one will know you even existed.  Unless of course you have a great great great relative interested in learning his/her ancestry.  

How We Lived
When my wife was alive we were not only committed to each other, but our community.  Both heavily involved in youth activities, as well as charitable events, etc.  Without going in to detail, she was also a public figure. Loved by many, and her funeral an event. Standing room only…most of whom I didn’t know.  

Now that she has passed I lost purpose.   My kids moved out weeks after she passed. I went from head of a loving household, each of us bustling with a bustling life we shared…to complete isolation.   I had naively thought I would love out my remaining days in the midst of my family. Boy was I wrong.  They all have their own lives, and unfortunately only one or two of them seem to have the same concept of “family” as my wife and did.  

I Lost Purpose
So after accepting this. I kept asking myself…why am I here? What is my purpose? Yes, I have a leadership position at a Fortune 500 company…but why? The money is good, but I have ALWAYS been about my family.  Instead my family’s advice has been to either find someone or indulge myself in work.  My one sadness in life is the investment I put (throughout my entire life) in to my family was not reciprocated the one time I need it.  

My Wife’s Wish
Ever since I can remember, my wife’s burial request was to be cremated and have her ashes dispuraed in a particular location, literally half-way around the world.  This was not a fleeting fancy of hers, but something she genuinely wanted.  While is sounded far-fetched, I am confident she knew deep down I would do this for her.  
So upon her passing, I had her cremated and started out to take her to this location.  Then Covid hit. 

 I Can’t Leave Her
The bad news of Covid is I was unable to take her ashes when I wanted to.  
The good news is it gave me a chance to  truly take stock of my life.  I realized more and more how loved me unlike anyone else did. I always knew this, but I didn’t know it (if that makes sense).  

So I realized I cannot take her to this location, disburse her ashes, leave her, and come back to…this.  Can’t do it. Won’t do it. I am wasting my life if I do.  
So I made the decision when I take her there, I am STAYING with her! 
This means giving up life as I know it, leaving my career, and moving to a new, foreign culture.  

My Epiphany
My initial thoughts were to bring her, stay, and spend the rest of my days mourning her.  But what does that mean? To me it means ensuring not just myself, but others knew she existed. It means truly keeping her in my heart and allowing what she offered the world to continue through me.  

My Purpose
Then it hit me! My purpose is the same it has always been.  GIVING OF MYSELF TO OTHERS.  
Yes, I realize these are words we talk and often endeavor to do, but I am actually in a position to fully do this 100%.  
So while I am in this country, I am taking the money I have saved an opening an orphanage…in her name.  There is a dire need for this, and not only do I have not t planned out, but I have a few of her family members who have pledged to be investors (in they will help fund this). 
Note: My involvement will be mainly logistics in that I want to be able to hire local residents/procure volunteers to help with daily operational duties.  

While this is a huge undertaking, I will start with small obtainable goals and go from there. However the gist of this is when it’s my day, I want to be able to face God, and without hesitation know I truly made a concentrated effort to positively affect lives.  
This is something I know would make my wife proud, and I’m doing this because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s the right thing to do, it’s what I want to do.  

Finally, I am working with the spiritual leaders within my church to ensure I have their blessings.  While this move has little to do with religion, and more to do with morality, I am spiritual and am turning to the church as I take on this endeavor.   

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41 minutes ago, Sad_Widower said:

My Purpose
Then it hit me! My purpose is the same it has always been.  GIVING OF MYSELF TO OTHERS.  
Yes, I realize these are words we talk and often endeavor to do, but I am actually in a position to fully do this 100%.  
So while I am in this country, I am taking the money I have saved an opening an orphanage…in her name.  

OMG that’s incredible! 
It’s fabulous that you’re in a financial position to do this amazing adventure in your wife’s name. And that you have the physical health to do so. Perhaps the children in the orphanage will be your ‘new’ family 😊💕

Sending many abundant blessings that this new venture will be healing and fulfilling for you! 🙏

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Thank you Boho-Soul, for your kind words.  😊
I sincerely mean it when I say I sense you are a kind spirit, and truly believe you will have good karma coming your way. I hate to have a jaded view of people but have come to learn there aren’t as many kind hearts in this world as I initially thought so it’s important to recognize those I come across. 🙂

On a side note about four days before my wife passed we were sitting in our bedroom. I was extremely sad because both our kids were leaving for college the next week.  My wife was actually excited about it.  However when I was sad so was she and vice-versa. 
I remember she grabbed my hand and said “Don’t worry. You still have me.” and then proceeded to tell me all the places I was going to take her once the kids moved out.  Ha ha
I distinctly remember thinking how lucky I was to have her—and then a few days later she was gone. 

I am happy I never took her for granted.  Of course, being together as long as we were, we certainly had our ups and downs… but we had them together.  For better or worse we were the center of each other’s universe.  

Finally, regarding my move, what makes me so content is not just the fact I am doing what I want. But what I want to do is THIS.  
When I met my wife I was living in a fraternity house.  Never in a million years did I imagine this is where I would end up. Be it an orphanage or a community center…whatever the need I want to fervently do my part to assist with it because I truly want to make a difference.  

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I think it is great that you can do this and know what you want to do, that you found purpose in it while still young enough to DO something!  I can tell you are well articulated and have given it careful thought.  I wish you well with your endeavors.  I understand what led you to this and I, too, have found myself in the same situation but my purpose is local...I don't think it matters so much WHAT our purpose is so much as that we have it and know it and devote ourselves to it!

For me it is helping others with grief and also with diabetes...

 

2 Corinthians 1-4.jpg

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7 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

Thank you Boho-Soul, for your kind words.  😊
I sincerely mean it when I say I sense you are a kind spirit, and truly believe you will have good karma coming your way. I hate to have a jaded view of people but have come to learn there aren’t as many kind hearts in this world as I initially thought so it’s important to recognize those I come across. 🙂

Thank you so much for your response, it touched and warmed my heart 💗
You know, the last few weeks have been a bit rough for me, working through the aftermath of my loss and doing what’s needed to heal from my physical affects of the trauma. When I read your response I was reminded me of my core self, how I naturally have empathy and compassion for others. I’ve been feeling my true self re-emerging from the messy emotions I’ve been working through as I heal. It’s nice to hear someone say they sense that, it validates my healing journey 🙏 And, yes please to good karma, I’m open to receive 😌
 

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