Mom is dating

[talktexas]

My dad passed away a year and a half ago and my mom started dating someone 6 months ago. I have not met him yet as we do not live close to each other. My mom invited him to come with her to my house for a weekend trip on my daughters birthday.  I had a very open conversation with her on the phone recently and told her that I was happy for her that she has found someone that makes her happy. I went on to say that I am just not ready to have him come to family holidays yet, and especially not ready to meet him for the first time on my daughters birthday for an entire weekend. I did say that I do want to meet him and that I would be willing to meet them half way to go to lunch or dinner, so I can begin getting to know him better. I tried to explain to her that I am still trying to process through everything and I need more time to get to know him before we start doing holidays together. Now my mom is upset with me. I am not sure how to handle this. When my dad died, my mom was ready to move on very quickly. I have respected her right to see other people and go through grief at her own pace, now I need her to listen to and respect my needs. 

I was given advice by another family member that I just need to deal with change and do what makes my mom happy.  I don't feel like my needs are being heard. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I am still dealing with heavy grief and seeing my mom with someone else so soon is a painful reminder of what I have lost. I feel like I am being pushed and pressured into doing something I am not ready for. 

[kayc]

I am sorry for the loss of your dad.  You won't hear me tell you to have someone over that you're not prepared to!  Her mistake was inviting him without talking to you about it first.  We don't do that!  Now she has the awkward position of uninviting him which is something she should have considered to begin with!

I think you are being rather big about the whole thing, willing to meet on smaller scale settings, you are NOT being unreasonable!  Please don't allow yourself to be coerced into something you are not ready for.  It hasn't been that long.

Everyone handles their grief differently.  In my situation I didn't want to create the situation my mom had for us kids...she was widowed 32 years (59 when my dad died) and she put her whole life on us kids.  We'd have to drive 1 1/2 hours down there to take her to the doctor, get groceries, anything!  It was a lot of pressure.  Back in those days we had landlines and the only way to know who was calling was to answer the phone.  I needn't have worried, my kids don't answer their cellphones.  May/may not get a text.)  I'm on my own for survival, I'm 70, my husband died just after his 51st birthday, 17 1/2 years ago.  I remarried 1 1/2 years afterwards, a disaster!  He never lived with me, merely preyed on me in my vulnerability.  In my grief fog mind, I thought I was rebuilding my life so I wouldn't do to my kids what my mom did to us.  Ha!  He was a Narcissist, never lived with me, used my credit for $57,000 and stuck me with it, he lived with two others during our marriage before I got a divorce.  Your mom may luck out, may not...this guy was good at it, can't be too careful!  

Now I tell people to get used to being on their own before getting into anything.  Go VERY SLOW!  Start as friends, keep it there for a long time before exploring anything further.  It will take me until I'm 80 to pay off the debt he incurred and by that time it'll be paid off three times the amount!  I've been on my own all this time.  I gave it one more try and that was a disaster as well.  You can read my story from that one in Here I Go Again.

Do not allow yourself to be pushed.  You may be the common sense in this equation.  Of course I am a bit biased, who wouldn't be under the circumstances!  Hoping he's the nicest guy in the world...

[MartyT]

11 hours ago, talktexas said:

I don't feel like my needs are being heard. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I am still dealing with heavy grief and seeing my mom with someone else so soon is a painful reminder of what I have lost. I feel like I am being pushed and pressured into doing something I am not ready for. 

My dear, your needs are valid and you've every right to feel them. What matters is what you DO with what you are feeling, and from what you've shared with us, it seems to me that you are doing your best in this situation.

I invite you to read this article, in hopes that it will speak to you in a helpful way: Is My Widowed Mother 'Moving On' Too Soon?  🧡

[kayc]

That's a good one, Marty.

I know your mom probably can't see from your POV right now as her grief is heavy, believe it or not, but you are doing your best and sometimes it's hard to catch up to what other people want when you're in such overwhelming circumstances...thinking of you as you go through this.

[talktexas]

Thank you so much for your responses. It really means a lot. It is hard to be able to see clearly or even think clearly and so I just needed to get genuine feedback. 

[kayc]

It is when you're in early grief (by that I mean the early months/years).  Take care of yourself.