After 5 years, dropped on a dime following her dad’s death

[DBeans]

Hi everyone. I’m still in complete shock and wanted to share my story. In our mid 30s and I’ve been with my GF for 5 strong years. In my mind, I was ready to settle down, and there was much love and commitment. Her father had long been ill, and we knew his time would come. On his last days, I tried to be there to take care of the place while she was grieving. Even then, she told me how much she loved and appreciated me for doing so. Almost directly following the funeral, she called my in an icy cold tone I’ve never heard, and she told me that she’s decided she needs someone else as a partner, that there’s someone better out there suited for her, and that she will pack my stuff up to be picked up. I completely broke down and have just been stuck in a state of shock, confusion, and disbelief. 
 

All I can think of right now are the ways I could have been a better, more helpful partner — all of the times I could have said “X” instead of “Y” and maybe that would have changed it. I cannot bring myself to pick up my stuff yet, and I legitimately don’t know when I’ll be ready. I poured out my emotions and feelings in an e-mail following this, but she responded in just as managerial and cold in tone.

 

I keep taking naps, hoping that I’ll wake up and realize this is all a dream, or that I’ll wake up to a message from her saying “just kidding!” I felt so settled in this relationship that I genuinely can’t think of putting myself out there again. I know hope is dangerous, but it feels like the only thing I have right now that’s keeping me from spiraling deeper — hope that she’ll see more clearly. I also feel smaller and more disposable than I ever have, that I can be chucked away on a whim like this.

 

I wish I could read her mind, but I know it’s probably worthless trying to think of what she’s thinking. I know that I should probably rip the band-aid and get my stuff, but mentally I don’t see me ready to do that for a few weeks — we share so much, that I know it will wreck me out of sentimentality. Hopefully she doesn’t mind holding onto those things in the time being. I feel suddenly lost.

 

[kayc]

Except it wouldn't have changed a thing...because this is not your fault.

I want you to understand that.  It's a thing, people dropping their partner in grief, they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving!  It happened to me too.  It amazed me how they can do someone else, their friends, neighbors, family, but not us, but that's how it is.  I don't get it but it's a real thing and that's what this section was started for, all those years ago.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain, confusion, being cut adrift, no answers...

It's not you, it's her.  It really is.

I took all his stuff to him the next day, I didn't have anything at his house.  He wasn't home so left it all on the front porch with his roommate.

In time perhaps you can see you were dealt a blessing in the long run, but not at the time, at the time it's too confusing and hurts too much.  Focus on YOU.  Do what you can to make yourself a better person, take care of yourself, be extra patient and understanding of yourself, you're going through a lot.  Maybe now is the time to join a gym or something else you've wanted to do and have put off for lack of time.  You do you. Cut off her social media, etc.  My best advice.  Hard, yes, helpful in the long run though.

[DBeans]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Except it wouldn't have changed a thing...because this is not your fault.

I want you to understand that.  It's a thing, people dropping their partner in grief, they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving!  It happened to me too.  It amazed me how they can do someone else, their friends, neighbors, family, but not us, but that's how it is.  I don't get it but it's a real thing and that's what this section was started for, all those years ago.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain, confusion, being cut adrift, no answers...

It's not you, it's her.  It really is.

I took all his stuff to him the next day, I didn't have anything at his house.  He wasn't home so left it all on the front porch with his roommate.

In time perhaps you can see you were dealt a blessing in the long run, but not at the time, at the time it's too confusing and hurts too much.  Focus on YOU.  Do what you can to make yourself a better person, take care of yourself, be extra patient and understanding of yourself, you're going through a lot.  Maybe now is the time to join a gym or something else you've wanted to do and have put off for lack of time.  You do you. Cut off her social media, etc.  My best advice.  Hard, yes, helpful in the long run though.

Kayc, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. The reason I'm beating myself up is because when she called me, she said she needs someone who will be more supportive, so then I start thinking of every time I made a joke that was taken wrong, or the fact that I took an extra day to come to her because I was with friends, or the time I could have stayed with her an extra day but left... I did take your advice regarding blocking on social media - it was VERY hard. Telling my friends and family, they are all just as shocked, convinced that 'she just needs time and space' but reading the posts on here, time and space doesn't seem to help much on the griever's side. Nights and mornings are the absolute worst, when I'm missing that presence.

[DBeans]

Also… it didn’t even sound like she was breaking up for the sake of grieving…. Rather, that she needed a different partner. Perhaps this truly was all wrapped up in grief and I just can’t see it, but it inevitably makes me think it was on me.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, DBeans said:

I did take your advice regarding blocking on social media

Blocking on social media is for your peace of mind, not because you don't still care or have feelings, it will help you move forward.  I know everyone's situation is different but one common thread I've heard is people regret that they didn't do this right away because it would have made it easier in the long run.
Here is my story...

It could be a mixture of both and the grief triggered it, who knows.  Going forward you can take with you some things you've learned from this relationship, we all can from what we've been through, except I'm 70 now and although I say "Never say never..." I have not been inclined to get involved with anyone since the last one, 13 years ago.  I'd have to really know them and I haven't dated in all these years since...

 

[kayc]

@DBeans, you doing okay?  Been wondering how you're doing...

[DBeans]

On 3/25/2023 at 6:33 AM, kayc said:

@DBeans, you doing okay?  Been wondering how you're doing...

Hey KayC - I really appreciate you reaching out. I'm not doing well lately. She turned quite cold, dropped all my stuff off, rid her place and self of anything to do with me, hugged and wished me the best, and was off. I'm still in complete shock and have started going to therapy to try and process. I remember her saying how much she wanted me in her life, only to cut me out completely. I've started debating whether she's seeing someone else or what, but I still wake up each day hoping I'm in a dream. If you are around, I'd love to DM you for some support.

[kayc]

I am sorry, I was afraid of this.  I don't know if you ever looked at the link where I went through it back in 2010, but it's quite a process to getting over someone.  Instead look at it like reclaiming your life, your person-hood, do positive things for yourself.  Spend time with friends/family, join a gym, take a class, go for regular walks, do you have a puppy?  That helps tremendously!  

[kayc]

Here I Go Again

[DBeans]

I did indeed read through your story. I never in a million years thought my ex would leave me, let alone in a 10-minute phone conversation. Even though we thought his death was imminent, her dad passing seemed to create a huge shift in her, where she suddenly saw me as just a stranger or acquainted work colleague - no more emotion, even when I bawled my eyes out. She suddenly started blaming me for not being there enough, for not caring enough, for lacking qualities she desired. I could do nothing but apologize, even though I later realized it may have been projection or a form of self-defense against her own emotions. The ease at which she tossed me aside makes me feel betrayed by the one I gave my all to, and I'm back to square one. I'm surprised you were able to maintain a friendship after all of that - did you ever receive any sort of apology or recognition from him? 

[kayc]

Yes, it took a couple of months.  He's Asperger's and socially awkward, once I knew this about him it explained a lot.  I still care about them but not in the same way, esp. knowing his entire network of family/friends/neighbors all participated in this lie.  It shocked me beyond belief, and esp. that he could keep it up this long!  Beyond shocked.

But my main reason in wanting you to see it was that in reading my posts that first year or so you could see it's a process, an evolution of sorts trying to get through the breakup, the stunning shock, the pain, trying to make sense of the nonsensical, it's hard!  

In some strange way they've made their marriage work for them, very odd.

[DBeans]

Yes - I followed through your posts. It really does play out like grief. It feels worse than when I lost my grandparents because I knew that was coming, but this relationship felt ongoing and had a permanence in my head... It did seem like, despite her saying that it wasn't because of her dad's death, that it had to play a significant role in some sort of shift. She did ask to remain friends--and somehow she can continue looking at my social media posts unbothered while I can't bare to see the sight of her without erupting in tears. I told her that I couldn't keep a friendship because that's just not what I see her as.

[kayc]

The one that is in your day to day life is naturally the one you will be missing hard core.  I found that to be true when I lost my husband to death, nearly 18 years ago.

On 4/12/2023 at 12:19 AM, DBeans said:

I told her that I couldn't keep a friendship because that's just not what I see her as.

Good for you!  And I'd be miles ahead if I had done that also, but I did so NOT with the hope of getting Jim back, but merely being friends as I saw him as valuable, but then I never would have learned it was all a sham and he was really married.  I have never heard of anyone else going through this so long term and so many people complicit in it, including his wife!

But you esp. do well cutting her out of your life (blocking on social media) deleting email contact, etc. as it will allow you to heal faster going forward. I know it'll drive you nuts for a while but do you really want to see/know she's moving on with someone else?  NO!  My best to you going forward!

[kayc]

Resurrecting for the sake of current one...

[DBeans]

Thanks kayc... wow! This breakup is hitting me so hard again right now. The past week I fell into a deep depression after feeling decent (moving forward) for a month or so. It may have to do with the fact that I've been going to my friends weddings, or the fact that it's now fall-ish, where we used to do all of our fall activities (haunted houses, baking together, cuddling and watching movies...) and the reminiscing is hitting hard. I can't really talk to my friends much about it, because 6 months on they feel that I should be over it by now... but being blindsided after four years just leaves me so clueless and hopeless. Ugh!

[kayc]

I wish people didn't have preconceived ideas about what grief looks like or what is normal when it isn't.  It's very hard when they lay it on us and expect us t to be a certain way.  We need them to be there for us and listen and care.

It's hard.  Even with me all these years later, I'm no longer enamored of him, but am still puzzled, in a quandary about where in the hell his head was at!  It wasn't, plain and simple.  It's hard to make sense of things when it seems nonsensical.

[DBeans]

Yes! The non-sensical nature makes it hard to grapple with, especially when it feels like a switch was flipped. Of course my stupid brain starts telling me things like 'maybe she's just waiting for me to reach out?' Before the breakup, I talked to one of my good friends who last her father (before I knew her). She said that losing her dad made her so angry that she took it out on her boyfriend at the time, going out of her way to cheat on him and then tell him about it and dump him! She's now admitted (years later) that it was super messed up, but she's since moved on to someone new. However, she also told me that my girlfriend (at the time) is more reasonable of a person, so no way she would forcibly push me out! Anyway, I'm just rambling... I really need to force myself to do something because otherwise I just get in a rut, ruminate, and start reading these forums, which causes more despair/hopelessness...

[kayc]

I'm confused, is she talking about the person that broke up with you and saying she wouldn't have done that?    I hope I misunderstood something.  Anyway, I think you have a good understanding of what happened, and even though there's nothing good or right about this, you have equipped yourself with the knowledge you need to continue with your life and let her do her.

Nothing simple about any of this, I know.

[DBeans]

Yes sorry - basically I had a friend (I’ll call her C) who lost her dad some years back. C took it out on her boyfriend (she told me the whole “hurt people hurt people” thing). My (now ex) girlfriend (who I’ll call A) lost her dad, and I tried to talk to C to get advice/perspective. C told me the whole story of cheating on her boyfriend at the time and dumping him but said “A would never leave you over this though, she’s a much better person than me.” But then, of course, she did. I think the best answer that I’ll ever get is that maybe she had occasional doubts during our relationship (as we all do), but they were never strong enough to overtake our love/bond… when losing her dad, some switch flipped (for whatever reason - we have seen grief/loss do this time and time again on this forum) and to justify getting out, she made herself amplify those doubts or went searching for other reasons. She was even bringing up arguments from years ago that we had already settled! Searching for further answers and hope is addicting in a way, but it’s not healthy.

[kayc]

Clearly, people who are grieving are not in their right mind.  If they were, I never would have fallen  prey to "Con John"...it's been nearly 17 years and I'm still paying for that!  They have grief fog, big time!  That's why they warn people not to make any major decisions the first year, and I would extend that to 3-5 years!

[DBeans]

Hey all… I just wanted to give an update after about 5 months or so. 
First, am I over her? No. Do I still have bouts of questions/sadness/depression/confusion over what happened? Yes. BUT, I’ve been able to lean on my therapist and friends in those times, realizing that there is more to life than a significant other. I do get lonely, but I got a cat to help. What therapy has helped me do is understand myself better, and I have to keep reminding myself that we can’t predict what others will do, so it’s important to have self worth and independence. Has my ex reached out to me? Yes. But if I respond with any sort of flirtation/testing the waters, she immediately retreats, wanting to stay “just friends,” and that has not been healthy for me, so I’ve stopped messaging. Now, I’m not sure what she’s up to… if she’s moved on or dating other people, but I’m trying to shift my focus back to MY life. It is a long road, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

[MartyT]

Good for you! And thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. (We're all pulling for you!) ❤️

[kayc]

@DBeans So glad to hear this, it's a step in the right direction, you are taking positive steps in your life and I applaud you!  So glad to hear it!  And thank you for letting us know, we care!