After 5 years, dropped on a dime following her dad’s death

[DBeans]

Hi everyone. I’m still in complete shock and wanted to share my story. In our mid 30s and I’ve been with my GF for 5 strong years. In my mind, I was ready to settle down, and there was much love and commitment. Her father had long been ill, and we knew his time would come. On his last days, I tried to be there to take care of the place while she was grieving. Even then, she told me how much she loved and appreciated me for doing so. Almost directly following the funeral, she called my in an icy cold tone I’ve never heard, and she told me that she’s decided she needs someone else as a partner, that there’s someone better out there suited for her, and that she will pack my stuff up to be picked up. I completely broke down and have just been stuck in a state of shock, confusion, and disbelief. 
 

All I can think of right now are the ways I could have been a better, more helpful partner — all of the times I could have said “X” instead of “Y” and maybe that would have changed it. I cannot bring myself to pick up my stuff yet, and I legitimately don’t know when I’ll be ready. I poured out my emotions and feelings in an e-mail following this, but she responded in just as managerial and cold in tone.

 

I keep taking naps, hoping that I’ll wake up and realize this is all a dream, or that I’ll wake up to a message from her saying “just kidding!” I felt so settled in this relationship that I genuinely can’t think of putting myself out there again. I know hope is dangerous, but it feels like the only thing I have right now that’s keeping me from spiraling deeper — hope that she’ll see more clearly. I also feel smaller and more disposable than I ever have, that I can be chucked away on a whim like this.

 

I wish I could read her mind, but I know it’s probably worthless trying to think of what she’s thinking. I know that I should probably rip the band-aid and get my stuff, but mentally I don’t see me ready to do that for a few weeks — we share so much, that I know it will wreck me out of sentimentality. Hopefully she doesn’t mind holding onto those things in the time being. I feel suddenly lost.

 

[kayc]

Except it wouldn't have changed a thing...because this is not your fault.

I want you to understand that.  It's a thing, people dropping their partner in grief, they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving!  It happened to me too.  It amazed me how they can do someone else, their friends, neighbors, family, but not us, but that's how it is.  I don't get it but it's a real thing and that's what this section was started for, all those years ago.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain, confusion, being cut adrift, no answers...

It's not you, it's her.  It really is.

I took all his stuff to him the next day, I didn't have anything at his house.  He wasn't home so left it all on the front porch with his roommate.

In time perhaps you can see you were dealt a blessing in the long run, but not at the time, at the time it's too confusing and hurts too much.  Focus on YOU.  Do what you can to make yourself a better person, take care of yourself, be extra patient and understanding of yourself, you're going through a lot.  Maybe now is the time to join a gym or something else you've wanted to do and have put off for lack of time.  You do you. Cut off her social media, etc.  My best advice.  Hard, yes, helpful in the long run though.

[DBeans]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Except it wouldn't have changed a thing...because this is not your fault.

I want you to understand that.  It's a thing, people dropping their partner in grief, they can't do a relationship at the same time as grieving!  It happened to me too.  It amazed me how they can do someone else, their friends, neighbors, family, but not us, but that's how it is.  I don't get it but it's a real thing and that's what this section was started for, all those years ago.

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain, confusion, being cut adrift, no answers...

It's not you, it's her.  It really is.

I took all his stuff to him the next day, I didn't have anything at his house.  He wasn't home so left it all on the front porch with his roommate.

In time perhaps you can see you were dealt a blessing in the long run, but not at the time, at the time it's too confusing and hurts too much.  Focus on YOU.  Do what you can to make yourself a better person, take care of yourself, be extra patient and understanding of yourself, you're going through a lot.  Maybe now is the time to join a gym or something else you've wanted to do and have put off for lack of time.  You do you. Cut off her social media, etc.  My best advice.  Hard, yes, helpful in the long run though.

Kayc, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. The reason I'm beating myself up is because when she called me, she said she needs someone who will be more supportive, so then I start thinking of every time I made a joke that was taken wrong, or the fact that I took an extra day to come to her because I was with friends, or the time I could have stayed with her an extra day but left... I did take your advice regarding blocking on social media - it was VERY hard. Telling my friends and family, they are all just as shocked, convinced that 'she just needs time and space' but reading the posts on here, time and space doesn't seem to help much on the griever's side. Nights and mornings are the absolute worst, when I'm missing that presence.

[DBeans]

Also… it didn’t even sound like she was breaking up for the sake of grieving…. Rather, that she needed a different partner. Perhaps this truly was all wrapped up in grief and I just can’t see it, but it inevitably makes me think it was on me.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, DBeans said:

I did take your advice regarding blocking on social media

Blocking on social media is for your peace of mind, not because you don't still care or have feelings, it will help you move forward.  I know everyone's situation is different but one common thread I've heard is people regret that they didn't do this right away because it would have made it easier in the long run.
Here is my story...

It could be a mixture of both and the grief triggered it, who knows.  Going forward you can take with you some things you've learned from this relationship, we all can from what we've been through, except I'm 70 now and although I say "Never say never..." I have not been inclined to get involved with anyone since the last one, 13 years ago.  I'd have to really know them and I haven't dated in all these years since...

 

[kayc]

@DBeans, you doing okay?  Been wondering how you're doing...