Momof3boys Posted May 15 Report Share Posted May 15 I am new to this site, so please bear with me while I give you some back story. We lost our Mom February 2022 from metastatic lung cancer. She was a recovering alcoholic (4 years sober when she passed). (I mentioned her alcoholism, because it's relevant to this story.) I am the oldest of her 5 kids (I have 2 full siblings and 2 half siblings). When I was a child, I was essentially the primary caretaker to 3 of my siblings. I know you're thinking how is that possible if you're a child? My parents divorced when I was 7 (one brother was 5 and my sister was an infant not even a year old) the early 80's were a different time... my Mom had full custody of myself and my 2 full siblings. She left us alone to frequent the bars or hang out with friends. Which left me in charge of my 2 younger siblings, as well as her friends' kids. My Dad fought for 7 long, hard years and finally was awarded custody of us. At the time he got custody, I was 14 and had been taking care of one of my half siblings for his entire life at that point, he was 2 years old at the time of us leaving our Mom's care. Fast forward and now 2 of my siblings are also addicts. One is an alcoholic and the other is an alcoholic, pops pills, smokes meth, and does basically anything they can get their hands on. Our mom was diagnosed initially with rectal cancer. They found a spot on her lung during that bout with cancer and so she had to have multiple large surgeries - ileostomy and ileostomy reversal, and lung surgery. She was hospitalized for infections, dehydration, etc. She had multiple appointments, treatments, etc. I was the primary caregiver. My alcoholic sister "helped" and took her to approximately 3 of her appointments during the year and a half all of this was going on. My younger half siblings didn't take her to anything. My other full sibling wasn't around due to his addictions and lack of transportation, etc. Our Mom was officially in remission for just under 5 months and her cancer returned as metastatic lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones (more specifically her spine). This next round was 8 months of hell for her. What felt like hundreds of appointments, multiple hospitalizations for dehydration due to the side effects of the chemo and multiple infections. I again was the primary caretaker. I tried to recruit help from my siblings but again, my alcoholic sibling said "I can't do this. I can't watch her die. I'm sorry but this is all on you." and was working on getting sober. My all around addict sibling said "Yeah I'll take her just let me know when." and then silence when I would reach out, only to find out they were also working on getting sober. My younger half siblings said "I can't get time off work to take her." So it all fell on me. I took her to every appointment except for 3 blood draws (her wonderful coworker took her for me). If you're still with me, thank you and I promise there's a point to all of this background story! Then she was hospitalized for the last time on February 4. We found out that this was basically it. (Luckily at this point, my 2 siblings were a few months sober so I had a tiny bit of support.) Our Mom was refusing to do physical therapy when the nurses were asking her to do it...even though I was frantically calling around for nursing facilities that would take her. We were basically forced to pose the question - Do you want to try to go home or do you want to go on hospice care? Naturally, none of my siblings would have this conversation with her... and I was told almost unanimously "Sorry to put this on you, but I won't ask her that." So again, I had to step up. She chose hospice and that was the last time we spoke with her as she passed 3 days later. I again had to put together everything for the funeral.... they were present when speaking to the Funeral home director but would literally look at me instead of answer any questions. I stepped up and spoke at her funeral as it was too hard for everyone else. It was very hard for me too, but I feel like she was there giving me strength at that time. A month or so after her funeral, both siblings relapsed. Neither one are sober. One of them I rarely see or speak to because they just go out on benders and you don't hear from them until they need something. The alcoholic one I'm in contact with every day - this sibling is the one who is having the hardest time with their grief. I do truly understand everyone grieves differently, so I allow them to grieve without saying anything or ignoring their feelings. I allow them to talk without interrupting, etc. but when I get off the phone it angers me. I get very frustrated. And my mood is instantly ruined. This particular sibling is very sad. All. The. Time. When I say this sibling cries... I mean they hysterically cry about her passing daily. If I have good news to share, or just something positive to share they immediately make everything sad and about our Mom. When their child has something good happen, they immediately make it a sad situation by bringing up our Mom and then crying. I feel bad for their child because their accomplishments are somewhat overshadowed by her grief. Clearly the drinking doesn't help. I guess what I'm trying to say is are any of my feelings valid? Do I have the right to be angry and upset with my siblings? I have never been allowed to grieve fully I don't think.... because I have been having to take care of grown adults. I have been having to make sure everything and everyone was taken care of. Is this part of my anger? As any of this validated? I feel like a jerk for being irritated with my sibling(s), and I am honestly a very empathetic person so after the anger and frustration wears off, I feel terrible for feeling angry and frustrated. I feel crazy in a way. Does anyone have any advice, any thoughts, or maybe have a similar experience? I would appreciate anything at this point. Also, I apologize for the rambling.... I've been needing to get this off my chest for awhile. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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