Not sure what to do... feeling crazy

[Momof3boys]

I am new to this site, so please bear with me while I give you some back story. We lost our Mom February 2022 from metastatic lung cancer. She was a recovering alcoholic (4 years sober when she passed). (I mentioned her alcoholism, because it's relevant to this story.) I am the oldest of her 5 kids (I have 2 full siblings and 2 half siblings). When I was a child, I was essentially the primary caretaker to 3 of my siblings. I know you're thinking how is that possible if you're a child? My parents divorced when I was 7 (one brother was 5 and my sister was an infant not even a year old) the early 80's were a different time... my Mom had full custody of myself and my 2 full siblings. She left us alone to frequent the bars or hang out with friends. Which left me in charge of my 2 younger siblings, as well as her friends' kids. My Dad fought for 7 long, hard years and finally was awarded custody of us. At the time he got custody, I was 14 and had been taking care of one of my half siblings for his entire life at that point, he was 2 years old at the time of us leaving our Mom's care. Fast forward and now 2 of my siblings are also addicts. One is an alcoholic and the other is an alcoholic, pops pills, smokes meth, and does basically anything they can get their hands on.

Our mom was diagnosed initially with rectal cancer. They found a spot on her lung during that bout with cancer and so she had to have multiple large surgeries - ileostomy and ileostomy reversal, and lung surgery. She was hospitalized for infections, dehydration, etc. She had multiple appointments, treatments, etc. I was the primary caregiver. My alcoholic sister "helped" and took her to approximately 3 of her appointments during the year and a half all of this was going on. My younger half siblings didn't take her to anything. My other full sibling wasn't around due to his addictions and lack of transportation, etc. Our Mom was officially in remission for just under 5 months and her cancer returned as metastatic lung cancer that had metastasized into her bones (more specifically her spine). This next round was 8 months of hell for her. What felt like hundreds of appointments, multiple hospitalizations for dehydration due to the side effects of the chemo and multiple infections. I again was the primary caretaker. I tried to recruit help from my siblings but again, my alcoholic sibling said "I can't do this. I can't watch her die. I'm sorry but this is all on you." and was working on getting sober. My all around addict sibling said "Yeah I'll take her just let me know when." and then silence when I would reach out, only to find out they were also working on getting sober. My younger half siblings said "I can't get time off work to take her." So it all fell on me. I took her to every appointment except for 3 blood draws (her wonderful coworker took her for me). 

If you're still with me, thank you and I promise there's a point to all of this background story!

Then she was hospitalized for the last time on February 4. We found out that this was basically it. (Luckily at this point, my 2 siblings were a few months sober so I had a tiny bit of support.) Our Mom was refusing to do physical therapy when the nurses were asking her to do it...even though I was frantically calling around for nursing facilities that would take her. We were basically forced to pose the question - Do you want to try to go home or do you want to go on hospice care? Naturally, none of my siblings would have this conversation with her... and I was told almost unanimously "Sorry to put this on you, but I won't ask her that." So again, I had to step up. She chose hospice and that was the last time we spoke with her as she passed 3 days later. I again had to put together everything for the funeral.... they were present when speaking to the Funeral home director but would literally look at me instead of answer any questions. I stepped up and spoke at her funeral as it was too hard for everyone else. It was very hard for me too, but I feel like she was there giving me strength at that time.

A month or so after her funeral, both siblings relapsed. Neither one are sober. One of them I rarely see or speak to because they just go out on benders and you don't hear from them until they need something. The alcoholic one I'm in contact with every day - this sibling is the one who is having the hardest time with their grief. I do truly understand everyone grieves differently, so I allow them to grieve without saying anything or ignoring their feelings. I allow them to talk without interrupting, etc. but when I get off the phone it angers me. I get very frustrated. And my mood is instantly ruined. This particular sibling is very sad. All. The. Time. When I say this sibling cries... I mean they hysterically cry about her passing daily. If I have good news to share, or just something positive to share they immediately make everything sad and about our Mom. When their child has something good happen, they immediately make it a sad situation by bringing up our Mom and then crying. I feel bad for their child because their accomplishments are somewhat overshadowed by her grief. Clearly the drinking doesn't help.

I guess what I'm trying to say is are any of my feelings valid? Do I have the right to be angry and upset with my siblings? I have never been allowed to grieve fully I don't think.... because I have been having to take care of grown adults. I have been having to make sure everything and everyone was taken care of. Is this part of my anger? As any of this validated? I feel like a jerk for being irritated with my sibling(s), and I am honestly a very empathetic person so after the anger and frustration wears off, I feel terrible for feeling angry and frustrated. I feel crazy in a way. Does anyone have any advice, any thoughts, or maybe have a similar experience? I would appreciate anything at this point. Also, I apologize for the rambling.... I've been needing to get this off my chest for awhile.         

[Novi]

I think your feelings of anger are validated. It sounds to me like your siblings could not and would not deal with your mom's illness and subsequent death. Using alcohol as a crutch only goes so far... their inability to stay sober shows they aren't willing to face reality. I have a sister that has done similar things, while my brother and I took care of mom while she was dying of cancer, my sister was no where to be found. She came back into our lives shortly after mom died filled with regret and saying she would never let our family down again. But once again she is nowhere to be found. I haven't seen or spoken to her since the summer of 2019.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. 

[MartyT]

6 hours ago, Momof3boys said:

I guess what I'm trying to say is are any of my feelings valid? Do I have the right to be angry and upset with my siblings? I have never been allowed to grieve fully I don't think.... because I have been having to take care of grown adults. I have been having to make sure everything and everyone was taken care of. Is this part of my anger? As any of this validated? I feel like a jerk for being irritated with my sibling(s), and I am honestly a very empathetic person so after the anger and frustration wears off, I feel terrible for feeling angry and frustrated. I feel crazy in a way. Does anyone have any advice, any thoughts, or maybe have a similar experience? I would appreciate anything at this point.

My dear, I can assure you that your feelings are valid, and you have every right to be angry and upset with your siblings. Besides, feelings are neither right or wrong ~ they just are. You cannot control what you are feeling ~ but you most certainly do have control over what you DO with those feelings.

Given the history you describe, I strongly encourage you to reach out to Al-Anon, whose purpose is to support and encourage those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. You need and deserve all the informatio, understanding and support you can get ~ and help is readily available to you. All you need to do is to reach out and ask for it.

Al-Anon meetings are held both virtually and in person. An internet search for “Al-Anon meetings near me” may be sufficient to discover them. However, you also can contact your local chamber of commerce, hospital, physician, and library for a community schedule. Some local newspapers list dates and times for Al-Anon meetings. Because all meetings must be registered in the AA database, you can call the main call line for information:

Call 800-839-1686
Toll Free. Privacy Guaranteed. No Commitment.
Help is standing by, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Find further information here: Al-Anon: What It Is and Who Is It For?
Help is standing by 24 Help is standing by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.hours a day, 7 days a week.

Help is standing by 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Who Answers?

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Momof3boys said:

Do I have the right to be angry and upset with my siblings?

Absolutely!  Personally, I'd be in counseling, I know a lot of people don't go for it nowadays, but I think I saw one until my mid-40s and it  helped a lot.  They give you things to think about and focus on (I had an extremely dysfunctional birth family and had to continue dealing with it as a grown person).  It helped me with setting boundaries, and letting them own their decisions/choices in life.  You can still love them but their lives are their own to manage.

Kudos to you for being there for your mom!  Maybe the alcoholic sibling is carrying on to make up for not being there for her BEFORE she died.  If it was me personally I'd probably beg off listening to her so much, maybe excuse myself, "Sorry but I have dinner plans..." and go fix dinner.  Take your phone off the hook when you go to bed.

I was in my 40s when I listened to an Al-Anon speaker at our church talk and realized how much my dad's drinking had affected me...he passed when I was 29.  I bought 

• Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Boundaries
• Emotional Blackmail
• Toxic Parents

Not only for me, but also copies for my siblings.  Two of my siblings were alcoholics but eventually dealt with it and one more had her nightly wine and eventually quit, one is married to a functional alcoholic, the rest of us don't drink.  With my family the issues were my parents, my mom was mentally ill, abusive, controlling.  Boundaries helped me a lot with setting MY boundaries and letting her own her own choices/responses.  I did not give in to her demands, etc.  Yet I was there for her all her life even when she had dementia.  My sister too, she died a year ago but I took care of her with her disabilities and dementia.  I miss her so much but realize how fortunate she was to have died at home in her easy chair rather than having to be put into a home because it was heading that way eventually with the dementia and falls.  She had enough taste of that (hospital/rehab) to not want that and I am so glad I fought for her to be in her home!  

I hope you'll continue to come here to read/post, Marty has a wonderful collection of articles here and lists of books, lots of resources.  Always someone here to read/listen and get it.