My mom died 1 week ago and the guilt and sorrow are killing me.

[Daryle]

I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything because it was too much house and property for my mom. I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiancé loved each other as well even though my fiance didn't love with us. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time (a few months ago) and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she didn't want me to take her just let her rest and see if the pain let up any. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was lying in bed trying to get comfortable. I told her I would be back at 3pm and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER and not "waited to see" I could have helped her and she may still be here. I was afraid it was serious, but also didnt want to put her through the hell of going in an ambulance and all unless she had to. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home" to be with our Lord and family, I know she didn't want to leave me and I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. I have no idea how to shake this feeling. We talked every morning before I went to work, sometimes around lunch, and I went upstairs to see her every afternoon when I got home, and then talked 1 or 2 times after that at night. My mom was my routine and although a squeezed a couple things for myself in here and there she was my life. I can’t even stand being in my home because of not hearing her footsteps upstairs anymore. The silence is deafening. I walk upstairs and my brain can't even process her not being there. Of course sometimes I had thoughts of what it would be like when she was gone and I would no longer have the responsibility, and now I feel guilty for having those thoughts and would give everything to have her back. I did everything for her and feel like I completely failed her in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[MartyT]

Dear Daryle, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved momma, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Clearly you are a loving son whose devotion to your mother is obvious ~ even though your love and care were not enough to save her.

I want to refer you to a piece that could have been written just for you, and I hope it will bring some comfort and understanding to your broken heart: Guilt In The Wake of A Parent's Death ~ and be sure to take a look at some of the many additional resources listed at the base. ❤️

[kayc]

Darryl,

I'm so sorry you lost your mom.  Those thought flit into our minds unbidden when we're tired, as you surely were.  It doesn't mean for a second you wanted to lose her!  It was hard when I was caregiving my closest sister, yet when her death shocked me, it turned my world upside down.  I miss her so much.  In three months it'll be two years she's been gone, I no longer have the person I loved surprising with takeout or talking to, she was there all my life, just like your mom was.  It's hard living without them. 

It's important in grief to take good care of ourselves, to be patient and kinds to ourselves...think what you'd tell your best friend if this happened to them.  Tell yourself that, because now that your mom is gone, it will be important to be your own best friend.

You've been an amazing son.  You can be proud of having been there for her.  Think what your mom would tell you if she could...tell that to yourself now.

(((hugs)))

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song